cheeseburger, fries, ramune

hung over on lack of sleep-resetting schedule for tmr.

after sleepin late from readin joke posts from cracked.com, woke early to head out fer the temp gig at drydock ave. bumped into molly on the bus the way there.

the day was pretty lame overall-was paid to essentially be a high school gym coach. along the way though, got to figure out more about the network and the organization. was pretty laid back-got to bounce a basketball fer an hour at the office. lunch at pete's wasn't that bad either, but i think the fries were a bit stale.

lolz ensued as the Federal Protective Service has a number 1877-4-FPS-411. thought it was a live FAQ hotline for first person shooters. as i came back to base, some guy off the bus threw something in a trash can, then ran away. turns out it was Fidelity investment research-odd place to dispose of things.

got some surprise business done, followed by a confirmation of pervading thoughts and understandings. feelin tired, so might head to bed early. lookin forward to gettin back on the work track.

====================================================================================

apparently the government has strict regulations about overtime, but will vehemently and gladly hand out money to inept people for their elementary tasks. today, it was all about learning to start and stop a watch, as well as waiting and clicking the X in the window. feelin special...or perhaps a lil guilty cause it's really...REALLY that easy.

====================================================================================

cringe as you imagine what ppl will kill for in order to be stable in their lives. really, what is 1 billion dollars to a country? merely pieces of paper.

chinese pork dumplings

plans will go awry, but we do what we can to contain the nature of randomness

after losin out on some gametime last night, woke around 1:30 and headed to Southie to pick up a package. the lady remembered the wrong bus route, had to hike it out fer a few. the ppl in southie aren't really ones to look at-and everywhere it seemed that everyone had a kid, with them on the street.

after discoverin the package wasn't what i thought it was, dumped it on broadway and let other ppl take care of it-was funny to see two women try to reassemble it. took the 9 and headed out to prudential. messed round fer a bit, din't collect any debts, but kept my head up.

back to base, did some cleanin, quiet time, some reading. learned about oxygen deprivation, the "true" version of freestyle and misconceptions, and a couple other topics as well. some late night harassment via the internet and home-gon prolly grab a snack, try to sleep earlier tnight, gotta haircut and prep for thursday onward.

===================================================================================

(wonders if people know what they're doing.) a lot of ppl come to me, agenda prevalent and pretty one-track mind. it's pretty easy to sniff out what they want and what they're cringing about. but ppl put the blinders on and aren't willin to clear their mind and learn to forgive a lil. simply put, people see their self-righteousness shine through, but if we step back, we can see that evident faultiness of the matter, the hole-liness of it all.

(wonders if people will understand.) not sure what is up for tonight, but rather...i cannot live the realm i'm in, feeling that the paparazzi style is king-that other ppl's lives concern me more than my own. granted, there is a call to be selfless, but where is the line drawn between nobleness and radicalism, the obsessiveness?

===================================================================================

kings feel like kings because of their people. find out why and how.

h-mart katsu meal

wat do i have to give thanks fer this year? paraphrasing wat i thought of last night: the education i received that some are unable to afford, or forgo beacuse of circumstances or preferences in their life.

woke up kinda late, expectin to have to go to 2 thanksgivin meals. instead was brought out to burlington to pick up stuff from h-mart. was my first time there, so i decided to do and see a lot of things.

highlights from h-mart (and thoughts learned)
============================================
-multiple spellings of the world "dumpling" (didn't know there was an "o" or two "u"'s.
-lot of eye candy (seemed like a typical couple shopping place, even ran into jfei and lisa lee)
-korean gangsters on a karaoke disc (hip-hop pervades all cultures)
-lot of immigrant workers, sadly fulfilling the stereotype
-playing the "let's drop random items in other ppl's carts and see if they notice/buy the item"
-the tomboy who served me my katsu breakfast
-of all the misspellings and bad grammar at the h-mart, the only thing they got right was "the h-mart parking lot is not responsible for damages or losses to your vehicle."

came back to base with groceries and some new extra drinks, then headed out to fam's in quincy fer thanksgivin dinner.

highlight from din
=======================
-once again the nontraditional chinese food: beef, shrimp, turkey stuffed with sticky rice
-mishaps with the young'uns
-a nonfunctional rubik cube
-seein my cousin's new place-s'a friggin mansion
-understanding child psychology

back to base once again, tryin to figure out if i'm sick or simply agitated from my meals

===================================================================================

as i think about it, the only bad spots in the day were when ppl decided to be snide about other's downfalls, or tried to make up for their own. those incidents could have be clearly remedied simply by adding food in their mouths. makes me think the world would be a much peaceful place if everyone were eating at once (no offense to the poverty-stricken folks or ppl who are scroungin out-much love to my brothers and sisters)

===================================================================================

in any case, don't force your own expectations on me. perhaps none of us chose to be born, but all of us choose how we want to live.

mysterious egg omelette

would rather be down or up, but never on the neutral spot. love the swedes, but can't agree 100%.

woke up this morn to some decent sessions. took care of some business with packages and other gatherings. went to supermarket to get milk and pan liners, followed by a meetup with some ol college folk. need to get my head back in the game.

======================================================================================

sad today, now that i think about it.

cheesy egg omlette, sweet tea

they say lies make the world go round. disagreein, it's what some use to get around.

slept early an woke at the right time, but postponed wakin fer another 4 hours. still kinda sick fer a bit. gettin hassled at home, headed out to take care of some bills. went to the sheraton again fer some tourin, followed by pru and the apple store to check mails. best buy after fer a lil unwindin. findin that i'm losin interests in music games now.

checked out card dog in alewife, played in tourney and swapped fer some stuff. kinda disappointed how the night went, an kinda disappointed in others too. guess this is where the conscience and justice starts to kick in.

back at base, internet's back up. took care of some business, clearin out some msgs and now kinda..alone fer the night? at least fools beckon 24/7, (if that should be any consolation....)

====================================================================================

it's gonna be a long road up ahead. need someone to envision and recognize that potential should be more important that simply "what you can see". tough to respect folks who only act up and out for the superficial, things that they can only perceive on that surface.

granted, it's the main way one can judge and understand, to act upon such gatherings and conclusions, but guess it's simply aggravating and disheartening when ppl are short sighted. they see the cookie jar on the shelf and don't see the cake 2 shelves up.

it might be the cough makin us delirious or the fact that promises are broken much more this week, but we have obligations to be better. to ourselves, to one another, and to those who've haven't experienced that kinda grace? in the environment they live in. derisive environments...do we take advantage of those citizens, or do we strive for change in them? perhaps...there is no depends.

===================================================================================

(wonders how many forms of comedy there really are. ironic humor and "the straight man" have already been exhausted on tv and public media)

boston kreme donut, yogurt drinks

need someone to help in making the Hero series videos. the next idea i have is gonna be pretty blatant.

woke up this morn, irritated by the cough i still got in the middle of the night. headed out to the sheraton fer the job fair.

lulzy stuff:
pens that looked like tampons
booth competitions: blondes vs. brunettes
the guy that talked to me had bloodshot eyes, think he did some coke.
uber-bitter complimentary lemon tea
spanish yellow pages and giant stuffed AFLAC duck

went to best buy afterwards to unwind, caught some ppl who were skippin school. came back to base to drop off stuff and clothes, then headed to pru to pick up debts.

TWIGS after, with multiple intriguing convos and played the new super mario brothers fer the wii. back at base now, still kinda hungry and thirsty. bored and wantin a new book to read.

====================================================================================

why my ppl in distress? seems more now than ever that prolems are startin to surface. tnight, it seemed a buncha ppl who are quiet were, well...quiet. the night played itself out the way it wanted to, but again a lot of potential to get deeper.

oersimplifyin life, the priorities on my mind are the ppl, the funds, and the status to move up. seems much harder, yet more desirable to keep the ppl happy on top, rather than seein them sad an low.

lookin fer an opportunity to shine out, or at least someone who's wantin to take the next steps.

====================================================================================

perhaps in the end we're all children. to someone, to something...

hot dog bun, toothpaste

lol i know hypocrites-today, i ran into a hard nosed trader who doesn't want tradebacks, but asked for one to me: a thief who cried cause he was stolen from: and a trash talker who was outtrashed by a bigger trash talker.

got woken up early in the morn to accompany parents to doctors. frustrated from lack of sleep and increasing futility with agony, so headed to best buy to play some dj hero. came back to base to clean things up and get things in order.

went out, collected some debts and created new ones in the meantime. long night, interesting conversations with friends and getting sick :( moral support needed, or monetary support works too. needin sleep too as well, hopfly i'm up by 10 tmr, or else i can get beat with a rake.

=====================================================================================

ppl do stupid things, but i love 'em in the end. just...don't test the intellectual side too much, cause sensibility isn't far behind.

=====================================================================================

yes i would like to try that person's apple crisp. that sounds delightful, as long as it's not too sugary.

chinese raisin bread, sweet tea

what drives me now....the game. if there are none left, guess only the ppl remain.

was dealin with a major PITA case of insomnia last night. ended up readin bout industries, wiki'in, gettin my thoughts on about ppl i know, and what to say, given the proper time. ended up goin to bed thru the sunrise.

came back up round 10:30ish breakfast an all, while packins. headed out to church fer the conclusion of the missions conference. nice talk about politics and job occupations and speakin of gettin the job done, victory in dodgeball this final week. some other time though when ervyone's ready to be treated.

headed back to base, watchin the dog playground and freestylin about the reproductive system. blew thru rest of the night gamin and makin deals, while gettin interrogated and chided by silly actions. hopfly tmr's gonna play out correctly-wait scratch that...will make it my day.

====================================================================================

not sure what to do at this point. guess i'm feelin kinda lost again since life has been simplifyin itself. priorities right now include gettin paid, lookin fer work, take care my friends/family/self, but in my mind, there's sposed to be more.

can't really see the horizon or the big picture atm, prolly cause i hadn't listed out things like the usual. might start doin that again, will help to refocus...get those aspirations and inspirations flamed up again.

if not, then, nah. mediocrity's no fun. to paraphrase the joker "the world deserves a better class of human"

====================================================================================

(is wondering what would have happened had not lines been invented.) which would we cross, today, tomorrow, or ever?

blueberry muffins, vanilla soy milk

the difference between underestimating yourself and putting yourself down-real friends will encourage you. real fiends will agree with you.

was on pace to wake early but more games. 1/2way fail all day, due to bein out of luck. had some early dinner at boston house of pizza, where ironically, none of us got pizza. some TWIGS tonight, discussions, understandings, and rockband. headed then to tufts medical to pick someone up, then back to base fer some frozen gyoza, freshed. still hungry, but need to bed soon, or face the consequences of fatigue. on the plus side, i weigh exactly 89 kilos...

====================================================================================

(wonders what happens when certain power figures in your own lives are disabled, out of commission, or killed.) how would that change your life, would you know how to get around and function? could you adjust or understand the new roles and responsibilities, or do you wander and waver to the wind?

====================================================================================

iron maiden sucks-ain't runnin to the hills anytime.

1.5 blueberry muffins, sprite

tryin to understand how to give mercy to those who don't expect it, want it, or deserve it.

woke up kinda late an hr due to sleepin on arm and passin out. found out this morn, missed a job opportunity by 2 hours. still on file but not likin the prospect, even if it was an unexpected surprise. gamed up some, then blew some time at prudential, before comin back to base. cleared out some expenses and found out bills are overdue, and it's the mail's fault.

=====================================================================================

ppl still need a teacher, but a friend's more important. too often do i mix work with relationships, and it gets the mind in a haze. most often, i get attached too quickly when the spark is there, not the spark of attraction, but dunno, the feelin of somone needin somin of mine that i can deliver.

that doesn't mean that it ain't the right thing, but it's more...can't be puttin that first, that agenda of lookin fer my certain ppl or experience. feelin like a fading and falling angel.

=====================================================================================

tell of the next time when we and you can have a moment together to explain the complexity of your world?

candy for breakfast?: sign me up

being lost and being found are the same thing at the wrong place. s'a matter of who's there.

after some late night rockband and bummy feel due to madden blowout and resident evil not workin, woke up early to play some more music. headed out to chi-town fer church and lunch. dim sum was arigh, but not fillin enough again.

some dodgeball tday, went 1-1. coulda had that 1st game, but we lost momentum. next week-we win both games, and ice cream's on me, i guess...church again to relax, play some games, hang out.

back to base, some tv on and off. games some more, along with crash nap. wantin more that royal palace chicken.

=====================================================================================

in my quiet room, thoughts are in abundance yet my mind is devoid. it might have somethin to do with the lack of sleep, it might be to the change in mood. more or less though, it's the lack of motivation to overcome again that's got me placated.

an odd show, a raise of power can be quelled and nullified by simple chance and change-the games we play to recognize and reconcile the shifts we've seen.
tday, the sight was seen that if life were played out, cards face up on the table, no fun, no derived pleasure. no anticipation, no challenge, no seeking of metamorphosis, intentions astrewn. simply put, life obvious is life lacking.

however, some simple moments pass us by and we don't even stop to say hey fer it. hmm...

===================================================================================

carry out your promises so that when the day comes, and ppl haven't ones to turn to, that one will be you

blueberry muffins, coke zero

after i think of it, only a handful of ppl can actually show respect to something worth respecting.

woke up this morn/afternoon, still needed to fight the ignorance in my bed. sent out some resumes, planned out some course of action fer the job search. accidentally applied to a secretary position in DC, but it pays...somwhat well...righ now, seems like any job available would be a fluke rather than a solid hit.

went to YC to swap some packages then headed out to copley fer some hangout time. pande afterwards like usual. this night however gets really odd. couple games here and there, learn some ins and out, and then outta nowhere, cops bring me down on accusations of a 10 dollar robbery. check out clean and then find at the end of night i'm banned from locals. they say it was totally unrelated, but bad politics and administration puts this into play.

head back to base, no one's at home. nothin in the fridge cept porti-drinks. hungerin some, but gotta ration out till next night. figurin what next to do tmr mornin.

====================================================================================

weather's been in a fritz, and i guess so life is too. ppl are caught up, still no direction, no longing to overcome, no wanting to risk some to gain more. confrontation at night with authority figures of all types made me learn lot about human psychology.

-fear tactics don't work against someone who plays it cool
-ppl fear what they can't control nor understand
-ppl gotta protect their own psyches more than anything
-eventually, ppl don't care about the truth, that allegiances are swayed only by bread

but it's all fer the best. the world is gettin too small as i think about it. why must we force ourselves through the funnels? freedom is what we're really about, or at least should be.

====================================================================================

apathy and ignorance are the same.

cha siu baos, coke zero

tnight's a good time to blog, marked both by thought and enterprise

woke right on time due to alarm, but stayed in bed till noon cause house was still filled with ppl. did some reorganizin the room-bed's at the window, larger open space. debatin whether to get rid of my tv or simply get a flatter one still. spent a good portion of the day replacin and usin my new printer. was bout to return it, until i found out that another piece of cardboard was blockin the exit..mbnfnkdsnfkjds...

some consolidatin here and there. business demo and presentation here, pretty much blew time and applied fer some jobs out there. needin more experience, so mos likely it's back to school next year if this pace continues. not really likin the adult life, and so used to livin in college mentality.

======================================================================================

back home, realized that much hasn't changed since comin back. life's pretty much the same-surrounded by a white majority, nothin to do at base cept internet and friends, no good food cept thru groceries, or headin to chi-town fer some eats. motivated by lil, cept for the big dream of leadin the ppl to victory, while seein the same shortcomings that they can overcome, both at school and fellowship.

makes me wonder not of the futility, but what's the drive fer some folks once their life plan is laid out. am reminded of a quote (which oddly and fittingly came from Die Hard) "When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain he wept,
for there were no more worlds to conquer..." right now, i know the end isn't near, but it seems that within the world around, it's really too compacted.

is it really another delusion of grandeur? or is there a real reason as to why there's no night's end? my mind's runnin a million miles, and it doesn't know whether to stop or to overcome.

====================================================================================

...why are there so many entry level positions for sales? no one wants to be rembered as the greatest salesperson ever, nor do they have any positive impact for the future of mankind. stop hockin other ppl's wares.

honey nut cheerios, soy milked

all black everything tday. felt it, but it ended up foreshadowing tnight.

woke up this morn fer the first time in a week without having to get up before 9 am. took the opportunity to go out to costco, and pick up some groceries an supplies. went to christmas tree shop as well; they're spreadin themselves too thin in terms of their selection-saw draperies, toys, food, decorations, etc. bought some choco and strawberry flavored cowtails-tasted nasty.

came back to base, ate some leftovers fer lunch. headed out to pru to pick up stuff; fail, but got other things instead. needin to work on composure and speed. dropped off stuff at base, but rushed out to go to crossroads. wasn't feelin it tonight-2 weeks after will prolly be my decidin factor.

takin care of some stuff here, gotta wake tmr fer work and actually earn my keep.

====================================================================================

this day gave my mind a moment of clarity. able to figure out 2 thoughts goin thru my mind, and guess they're both related.

lookin back at my years, am seein that i subconsciously flirt. many points in time, where i do the right thing, the nice thing, the upstanding thing, it ends up leadin to some relational or pre-relationship drama. dunno how it ends up occurin all the time, but it does. leads me to think that it happens, both cause it's addictin to me, or that i'm searchin fer love at every turn. maybe i should end up bein mean to whatever girl i meet, and if she likes me still even fer that, well..there's the kicker.

the other's bout proximity. seems pretty simple enough, but we're drawn close and closer to the ppl around us. we learn more bout them, can physically interact with them, and can reach them any time. that's why long-distance relationships are hard, and harder to maintain. everyone needs that void of distance to be filled somehow. right now, it puts me to the test on whether i'm true or can be true down the line.

====================================================================================

don't be disappointed in humanity. be disappointed for the future of it.

honey nut cheerios

bein sick sucks, but better than bein dead. or a zombie.

woke up this morn, kinda painin but workin it through. trellis was arigh, talkin bout choices we may have lined up and why we may forsake the right path for a bevy of more choices.

got some lunch, then headed to jqus for some dodgeball. our team got killed the first game, but won our next game. still needin to work out the kinks, plays, and scouting reports all in our team effort. to mickey d's fer some after game refreshment, then back to church fer some chillin and bang!

back to base, still feelin hungry. read a bunch of wiki about accidental deaths, causality, and flamethrowers. made dinner, and accidentally poisoned myself. gotta wake up tmr fer work, hopfly i dont become bedridden again. weird dreams too, confusin my mortality.

===================================================================================

head's hurtin, and think i pulled somethin doin the stupid thing.

same breakfast, different day

sleep to wake, wake to sleep...the struggle continues.

made it to work on time this time to avoid gettin fired. whole bunch of examples followed by listing and repeatings as well as understanding maps. geography class feels like a no brainer now.

headed to rudi's resto and cafe on 811 mass ave for lunch.

(here's where i start doing more detailed restaurant reviews.)

atmosphere-open patio area outside for drinks. main dining room but large bar in the middle. some generic music, but overpowered by conversations led by construction workers.

cleanliness-bathroom was ok. floors need to be cleaned slightly, and other small bits of trash lying around.

location-off of mass ave where melnea cass blvd and 93 S starts. parking a bit tricky to find. main entrance is through the hampton inn suites.

service-the main server was prolly the nicer of the folks. waitress checked up on how the dish was, but did not ask if i wanted dessert. not too friendly but not pushy either.

food-ordered the resto burger, which came with salad and fries. fries were kinda soft. salad was ok, lightly covered in herb vinegarette, and burger itself was ok, but the cheese was kinda dull. pricewise, it was 10 bucks, not including tax and tip.

overall, if you're lookin for a bite to eat, this is a better alternative than mcdonalds, which is 2 blocks up the street, but there are cheaper and better crafted options out there.

back to base, bad news with packages and other trade items. needin to "prove" i'm tryin to find a job, but, so lies the balance between bummer and slumber.

===================================================================================

give change a chance.

===================================================================================

not really wantin to sleep now, other than for the reason of humanness. too much on my mind and heart.

part 2 of peanuts, mucho mango

on the way back to base from crossroads, i saw a transvestite or a really mannish woman on the bus.

wasn't really so bad. the flow was kinda slow, but allowed for a lot of thinking. the group schematic seems kinda indifferent/fearful, but i can see potential anywhere. the talk about leadership, proper qualities and direction got me thinkin about how ready and how relevant all of it really is.

at the same time though, the way things panned out kinda put a damper on my mood, but again, not everything that seems right feels good, vice-versa. it's ok though-it's only my purpose to question and to live. to understand the higherness of it all is our roles.

needin to get rid of the munchies, so mystery late dinner tnight. hope i'm not knocked out to the point where i can't wake fer work...again..d'oh!

peanuts, mucho mango

don't rush me man..i'll do it when it needs to be done. can remind myself.

woke up early/late with more bleeding. gettin reamed at work for bein late and sleepin. had some fun messin around some, while readin the examples.

went to this place on 705 mass ave called....grille 705.

cleanliness-ok
service-ok
price-ok
food-bad
location-ok

not recommended, although i didn't try their breakfast, which is their specialty. had their version of a monte cristo, and believe me...i heart bennigan's forever.

back to base, got a package delivered, and to no surprise it was scudded up. lookin for reparations or settlements on all of it. wantin to take a nap now before cross roads, but also got some work to be on.

===================================================================================

no fancy or philosophical thought out here right now. all i can say is...women should not drive on the road, especially if they're talkin on their cell phones and looking away from the direction in traffic. almost got hit twice today.

really, those things are eatin your brain cells. at this point in time, with all our technological advancements and features a cell phone has, you should not be operating 2 types of "heavy machinery" at once, especially if one takes away from other senses...

====================================================================================

pot belly, but not smelly, nor bar refaeli, but like jelly.


why does everyone

peanuts, arizona iced tea

orange juice hits the spot, only when there's somethin to write about.

woke up late fer trainin. bloody nose and no breakfast makes john lee a cranky boy.

went to this new local lunch place called "tom's sandwich stop". from the outside it looks kinda shady, but inside, decent food, decent service and simple atmosphere. got a taste of a bbw blt and a steak with cheese. fallin asleep and ponderin how to question people about domiciles.

back to base to relax, check up on msgs, and send things out. collected my ps2, followed by a run to prudential and off to pande. bodily stressed by work, decided to take a break from teh tourney. picked up on some new ideas, made some trades, a lil munch supply on the side.

takin the train back, i wonder in my mind random thoughts about dating, the night, and what to plan fer tmr, if i could say so in it. *sip of oj*

back at base, need to clean up and get ready again. couple more days till the seasons change, both weatherly and politically.

===================================================================================

does fear make you change, or does it make one overcompensate? as the final moves of the tourney drew it to a close, i think, "perhaps something is wrong with everybody." it's not to exert some kind of ego, but rather, they're stuck inside this expanded box, which to their minds look huge, but from outside...rather small.

at nights like these, or rather quiet moments whether in the park, on the go, or in the bathroom, a meditative state falls upon me. we are better than the situations we put ourselves into. we can grow and become better, if we're empowered...correctly, not corruptively.

====================================================================================

something about tonight, doesn't feel right? because the night isn't light until you've reached my sight.

forgot my breakfast, oh wells :P

is it wrong if i got a tattoo on my butt that says "michael jackson was here"?

woke up the mornin, took care of some forums and business. comp's been kinda slow, need to defrag/improve/clean clutter.

went out to pande fer some gamin/tradin. came into some close calls in the tourney but at least made some gains. ridiculous last couple of rounds though.

came back to base, late dinner. set up skype fer parents, and talk with friends some. wantin to live like i could have 2 weeks ago, but it's arigh. empty house kinda bums me out.

=====================================================================================

my mood has been generally improving, even when no cash flow or ppl go. it's bein able to flow freely that's givin me a boost. hopfly things pick up and i'll be able to travel some, without worryin that things'll collapse around me.

not rubbin it in to no one, it's that...stress is really nothin, unless you're actually like physically hampered.

====================================================================================

we can't help anyone who doesn't want to help themselves. get out your box, and into my circle :)

scrambled eggs, oj, corn muffin

random thought: the word "penis" should be pronounced pen-is. where does the long e come from?

woke up this mornin from bad headache. went off to brighton to pick up some movin boxes, and found out the bad news that the ones i wanted can't fit in the car. drove around left and right to find places that had the boxes, but each is like 12 bucks. pulled the box i could bring back from the car, and found it had a nice lil dedication on it: "don't be a b*tch, this is my stuff, leave it alone". hopfly the eBayer won't neg ref me fer that =/

checkin messages, need to get business done. the house will be filled soon, and still tryin to remedy all debts and financials. mac and cheese, comfort me.

went down to copley and took care of some business before comin back to base. drive to watertown to pick up somin, and spot what appeared to be a "tupac supports obama and biden". then i found out i can't read.

now watchin some telly, and wantin to break out later tnight. instead, will settle for gettin nothin done :)

blueberry muffin, orange juice

sigh, i find right now the overabundant reasoning fer me to wake up is to seek money. feelin hollowed out, when i imagine the weight of the world really out there.

woke up and did some cleanin. took care some bills and other mailings, spent all day on the forums, knowin that i shouldn't have. exercised fer a bit, need to gather some more items. not sure what planned tmr, but feel like runnin, somwhere, fer some reason. the gut kinda makes me do it.

====================================================================================

not sure what i'm lookin fer right now. dreams are still here with me, but they won't get done if it's only the "1 man, 1 drive" mentality. how can i be the cog in the gearwork that works the machine in society?

guess i'm a lil cranked out that originality flew out the window in many aspects of life. tnight, edward kennedy died. they said, he was a fighter. ok, and now what? timeline's a long element, and ppl mourn, and then move on. a speck of dust on a infinite inch flat screen tv.

====================================================================================

life's cruel joke-grow to get to the skies as we get older, in which we start shrinking to and into the ground.

congee, bagel sandwich

yes, i admit it, tryin to save the world. but...is it really worth saving? at that critical point in time, if i have my finger on the button or command of the troops, will i want to?

woke up early fer some prefridged breakfast. spent some time on forums, then headed to service late. sat down, and thought i saw a picture of hitler in our bulletin. trust me, i have it and you woulda done a double take too.

grabbed some lunch in chi-town and hung with ivan fer the rest of the day. all i can say is revere is not a pleasant place. on the way back to the train station, ppl got kicked out for "falling into the pit". apparently a train stopped so yeah, good call fer them

back to base, ate up, tried to figure out more business. tryin to reconnect with some ppl, but the heat's gettin to my brain. makes us do silly things, like look like a pompous jackass by accident.

need to wake early to get on the grind. summer's almost over, and once again, i've "survived" without a job. i swear, i'm caught in the middle of the system.

===================================================================================

kinda disheartened at how people can "settle" for the situations and life given. far be it for any of us to become under-ambitious, because america's about industry and quality, while...

...also being one of the lazier and fatter places in the developed world. but i guess at the same time, we don't want to develop a napoleon complex, thinkin, the world's oh so big, and we need more of it, more of what it gives, because "frankly, we deserve more"

i dunno how to say it, but ambition needs to be kept in check. the only way that'll happen is a clear perspective, or someone who can temper you at the right time. fer me, it's gettin clearer, but still no one out there to cushion the fall when needed.

don't let it come to the point where you don't appreciate what you have till it's gone. ppl die, goods fade, but connections-they're the tops.

=================================================================================

hopeless dragon, where dragon = my life? sign us up please, for i feel i'm finally faded.

fried rice crossover, raspberry grape juice

haven't blogged fer bout a month. kinda noted the deficiency in my minds..

woke up this morn, shoulders still hurtin. cleaned up some stuff and realized that i lost my saved session fer firefox. back to job huntin the ol fashioned way.

met up with a friend at davis, had lunch and walked round fer a bit. went to prudential to check what was goin down, then back to base before goin to crossroads.

was there till end of the night, chillin at base now.

======================================================================================

the prolems that plagued the fellowship 10 years ago-they still hit even now as we're old and grown. various accounts from ppl i can trust is that there really is no end to this.

we gotta find ways to reach out with one another and not so much in the "hi, how you doing?" standard-esque way. it sucks though that in a sea of people, i too wanna look fer a smaller group of ppl to communicate with. but i guess the number is also irrelevant-1 or 1 million works fer me.

================================================================================

she's the prettiest girl in the room, i swear. and she doesn't even know it. gotta remind her, but in what way?

quic pic bbq, pineapple smoothie

life got messy when money was invented.

woke up this mornin, headed to framingham for my interview. came back to base, ate lunch while entertainin some peeps. prudential after to lounge around, got some play. to north quincy fer dinner with the fam. back to base once more to unpack, unwind and catch up. another night of sleepin late, hopfly not.

=================================================================================

improvement at the cost of your dreams? don't like that tradeoff.

=================================================================================

when this year is over, what direction will our ppl go? will be in retry mode for a week.

strawberry milkshake whoppers

what do you care about more? the achieving, or the achievement?

woke up to get prepped fer the drivin test. cut my hand while reachin for my keys. checked out some fb before i left. was waitin around at the ymca fer a bit, played some old school music via blackberry.

did my driving test, almost failed it, but was saved by "my character" and for the fact the instructor mercifully passed me. stuck around the rmv to get things done, then back to base for meal.

headed to pru to gather some more materials. then off to pande, and gettin annoyed. came back to base, fail at games, and hunger. now...to become a semi-adult.

===================================================================================

simply put, don't let money get in the way of friendship. ppl live and die by the numbers for the numbers. spill their red for the green.

===================================================================================

fake reality, versus real fakeness....

hash browns, strawberry smoothie

3rd day of interning, and i've fallen into a rut.

woke up this mornin to get to work. got a smoothie from honey dew donuts fer the heck of it. fer some reason, it tasted of meat and lingered of cigarettes. the bus was a lil late since of miscommunications at logan.

been fillin the day readin what is essentially an econ textbook. some of it review, some of it new stuff. also checkin out what to side deck later on. had an ok lunch at this japanese place, while havin a frank discussion about future career goals. checked out the park, and the museum they have around it; think olde city. came back to the office and read some articles about strategic management and japanese business models. also took some lessons on war.

dunno how the rest of the day's gonna pan out, except i know fer sure not to touch the dog anymore, lest i want my arm humped again.

scrambled eggs, ham, ketchup, arizona iced tea

as long as you don't let time define you, you are free. so begins my hypothesis of whether we are not rats in a cage.

woke up this mornin, but shoulder was hurtin. hit the snooze button and woke at 1:30. made some breakfast, then headed out to wrentham outlets fer the first time ever.

points of interest there:
kids grew up way too fast now. muscle shirts for 7 year olds and way too much skin.

not sure in what direction the economy's headin. the high end stuff was barely touched, but steady market fer consumer electronics.

in front of fragrance market, an old lady smoking.

consumerism is overwhelming. forces peope to make bad decisions based on savin money and increasin value.

way too many families out here.

...why am i in the mood to play RC right now?

neways, comin back to base fer a nap. hopfly tmr wont get oppressive.

quic pic bbq, delivered

late night conversations usually end up either in triumph or disaster. fer me, it's usually both at the same time.

woke up early, then late, because of a false snooze. phone rang at 12, callin to hang out. chilled at my place fer a few hours, then went to the wrap up of anime boston. went to best buy after to look fer a cooling fan and to play some games. newbiry comics after, where a whole new plethora of info came at me.

comin back to base, when the rain fell like a brick. took a shower and when i was done, the sun was out again...plannin again, and need to be responsible some more. stomach pains..

=======================================================================================

pleasantries can come from the oddest of folks and places. my peace comes not at a time or place, but when no forces outside or in are pushing at me. when the flow is right, you'll know it.

====================================================================================

I dont know what they want from me
Its like the more money we come across
The more problems we see.

dinner for breakfast

hmm...i want more ties for my collection.

spent 1/2 the day in bed. woke up, went to a party, then came back to base. bored, and my eye's irritated.

======================================================================================

now i too want to leave.

======================================================================================

get crunk with it.

sausage links, bad bao, orange juice

swine flu today, diarrhea tomorrow.

woke up this morn, caught the early sun at 6 am, but wanted to wake at 10...bah. phone calls, and cleanin up the base. went to prudential, chilled fer a bit, and saw the boredom. went to twigs after, some din and games, then back to base. compiled a list of tradables and now kinda wastin time. thirsty.

======================================================================================

tday, i heard two of the most thought provoking questions: so, how are you wasting your life today? and ...are you a Christ-follower?

the first question was under the pretense of sarcasm, but yeah...gotta get my life on track. gotta get old, get the monies, and get busy.

the second question...it sounds so simple, a yes or no can suffice. people usually answer it by probin deeper and say no, and on the surface, yes. hmm, my problem is with the question itself.

to ask are you a (insert word here) seems to imply a fixed identity. as we know, it's not all that simple. a simple question can get a simple answer-are you male or female? but to ask a question about one's lifestyle, one's living...it's not a yes i am, or no i'm not. usually it's a yes i am, and i am also this, or a no i'm not, and i am also this.

we are not something stapled in time-constantly we are changing. tonight, we must ask who we are, and who we are to be.

====================================================================================

time is two dimensional until further notice

li wong bao, arizona sweet tea

yo, not to take shots at ppl, but what about those women who can't have kids? what a bad way to rub it in...

slept at 3:30 while beatin up ninjas and rabbits. woke to go to service, and was out of it fer a while. someone snuck up on me after and grabbed my love handles...awkward. sunday school and a lil bit of lunch. can't do pictures at all...

went to puma city with dan, charlotte, and katie. came back to church fer some bball, then came back to base to chill with ivan. ate some food, exercised and played some games. need to plan out the week, and really REALLY...need a job.

====================================================================================

i believed you when you didn't try. would you believe me when i do?

====================================================================================

summer day, driftin away...to those saturday nights?

donuts-jelly, powdered, and stale

weather's not puttin a damper on my plans, only the people are.

woke up to a weird dream involving flashback with a friend. went back to bed, then woke up once again, lookin to catch some ppl fore they went to do somethin. no one around, so headed to pandy.

at pandy, lot less ppl than before. new and old enemies round, mix in a dose of idiocy and false egotism, plus a dash of failure and that would pretty much sum up the afternoon.

came back to base, whomped on ivan, ate dinner, cleaned up base, and gettin yelled at fer the bills. lookin to be a smidge more productive later on this week. it'll defly start by gettin to sleep earlier...

====================================================================================
some ppl have not and perhaps will not change. tryin to fix them, i see a brick wall, raging futility and a tear inside that in the end, they've resorted to only being themselves. my power (or advantage, strength, whatever you wanna call it) doesn't lie in expertise, but more about bein different and comin from a diffrent angle.

ppl don't like it; they complain and moan, and comment about the folly and outlandish way things are done. but it works. gonna be on my own grind from now on, not waitin up for slackers who wanna slack, and quite frankly, i'm sick of ppl wantin to waddle in the mud, when clearly there's a better way.

===================================================================================

people need labels for what they don't understand.

corn flakes, arizona iced tea

being 100% is the difference between flake and fake.

woke up with a weird dream about celebrities killin each other to be in my project. made a couple of phone calls to take care of graduation and other life requirements. went on the road fer a bit, and apparently i have speed issues.

came back to base, pumped up the bball, then went to peters park to shoot around. played 2 on 2, beat some white guys, lost to some black guys. sides really hurt, so decided to come back and call it a day.

decided to drink some cherry coke instead, and got sick. went out to somerville to pick up some stuff. major fail in all activities, primary an secondary. back to base once more fer some fried chicken dinner and tele plus games. mighta pulled somethin...somewhere..

===================================================================================

power lies in purity and simplicity. and it needs to be regained...

breathe in...breathe out.. let some gas puff :)

===================================================================================

no closing thought tday. caffeine hurts my head.

some freebase writing

sigh...where an how do i start? (simple, dummy, you type...)

so it's 4/24/2009, and what's on my mind? reflections on where my life's goin right now. as i go through the twists and turns, i find myself desiring many things, many people, many outcomes. ideally, i would wanna be self-sufficient in a couple years, or at least be out of this house fer a while. seems like my own uncomfortable prison cell.

days go in and out as i try to find a source of redemption and a calling or two to fill out. work has fizzled out, and i think once again i've stopped looking. this time around, i don't fear work as much as being put in a routine (even though my life now is currently in one). been glad that i haven't had to suit up, or wear a suit each day in order to be or feel productive. basic needs are still provided for, and a meager but salvagable income still comes in.

in the night, i seek something quieter and more fulfilling than the noises i hear from the tv, radio, ipod, and computer. gives me some time to read and understand, and definitely relax. (wait...relaxed isn't the right feeling...kinda feel...anxious, tense) anyways, my thoughts right now are centered or revolving around people. who are these people? these are the ppl who are in my mind stubborn.

no names, no judging, no rubbing it in...these are the folks who are goin through some things that they've resorted to handling it themselves. to further explain it would most definitely be trespassing, breachin of their trust, so i'm gonna let it pass. doesn't mean that it's not on my mind, and not a concern either. it's tough when you try to be a true friend and not some other occupation or fill some other role in someone's life.

what does that mean? well, basically, all it means is that instead of worryin bout how to get by day to day, some people should look forward into the future. (guess i gotta break out that corny metaphor of "if you continue on this path, where will you be in 5 years" sorta thing). yeah. i'm that old, and maybe overthinkin too much. but i'm thinkin for 2 people, so that's prolly why it's too much-the task wasn't meant solely fer me to embark upon.

some ppl worry that if they die, people won't notice. guess i'm worried bout that too, but moreso in the influence department, rather than my physical being. my legacy(?) if it could so be that, would be that i truly was unconventional and in doing so, was able to tap into true humanity. hmm...(perhaps that's not the right way to phrase it). oh well, it's somethin that my piddly mind can't express merely in voice. it's definitely an action thing.

-loveless world.

hmm, i swear i will eat that bread

ppl got too much pride. they gotta let it go, otherwise they'll be stuck in their rut fer life...this is how and who you become 10 years later.

woke up and checked, still no assignments yet. lost all my stuff in my account, gotta start back the hard way. went to catch jeff and jimmy, and was runnin around gov center and park street. out to orange julius, then to jimmy's place fer some chillin.

went to prudential, took care of some stuff. got bored an headed back to base. learnin to repractice my skills fer the big day, whenever that is..

====================================================================================

7 deadly sins. see them in a lotta folks. especially me. but it feels like i'm only a handful who are fightin against, and not simply a person who'll sit idly by. my understanding is that people indeed are like books, and that if you actually take the time to read them, you'll understand them. their twists an turns, ups an downs.

look hard enough, and you can find a reason to smile. guess that's why some guy called me mr. joker tday.

====================================================================================

the thing is, i find myself being happier when i help people instead of bring them down. dunno if that's a sign of maturity or not...if it is, guess i'm slippin then =P

need to change breakfast diet...

at 7 eleven, there were four different flavors and they were the same color. think i'm gettin ripped off...

woke up earlier than i planned. had to help someone take care of their election statement. also talked to an old annoyance, and i still want my debts paid. chilled at home fer a bit, while makin some phone calls and installin the same software.

headed out to prudential, played fer a bit. after that, went to this weird place in eastie, where i got rid of some junk, and saw the old neighborhood again. came back to base, need to clear up some discrepancies in my soul.

====================================================================================

knowledge is power. knowledge is responsibility. knowledge is a noun. =P

====================================================================================

we really can't change people, only entice them. how you do that though... gotta reach in the bag of tricks.

homemade mcdonalds, arizona tea

as i stood in the rain waitin fer the bus, i notice that the higher end vehicles can be identified in the night by their white headlights, whereas older cards have yellow.

woke up this morn, hopin to go to work. can't happen right now, caus technically i'm fired. chilled at base with jeff, cleaned the house a bit. headed out to pandemonium in the rain.

played some games, decktested, got some trades off, won another prize too. headed back to base round 9:30 after freebieing some wendy's. saw some messages, responded to them, had a nice conversation with an old friend. watchin some tv now, and plannin what to do tmr.

======================================================================================

don't let your heart get hard. by being human we are meant to hurt and be hurt, but as humans, we also have the privilege to feel and be felt. if it's the last thing i do in my life, it's to embolden my soldiers, my people, and apparently the women i know to stand strong.

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being poor sucks. having nothing sucks more, but having nobody... that's when you really don't have anything.

egg mcmuffins-homestyle, arizona ice tea

sensory overload and sensory deprivation are equally but differently dangerous.

woke up fer work with a huge pain in my back. took care of 2 blocks while bravin the chilly weather. on my way back, findin out they're shootin a movie in my neighborhood; maybe i can get a part as an extra or somin, break out.

back to base, a lil kid demonstrates why i should wear a belt from now on. chilled fer a bit, then headed out to brigham circle to check out possible apartments. would have to say mission hill has some small and crummy places. still need to figure out budgeting and who else would be there too and monies..

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they say having somethin is better than nothing. true, since even if one is evil, one knows what to combat. one who stands for nothing will indeed stand for nothing.

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gettin old and fat sucks. not trying to audition for Santa right now, dammit...

japanese food

the idea isn't merely that we're called to serve. it's knowing when, where, and how to serve. remember, it's all about the people, both who can encourage and lift you up high, and the people who are in need at that moment.

right now, been in philly fer a couple days. got away from work, from home, the drudgery of a perhaps repetitive card game and a daily routine which i can only describe as atrophic? (yeah, that's the right word).

pretty much have been doin nothin, cept spent time with a friend or two, go out and celebrate good friday, read, and listen to music. the weather pretty much destroyed most of my plans, or at least the plans set out by others. it's ok though-it's given me time to recoup, relax, read, and readminister some crucial parts of my life.

===================================================================================
the weekend's given me time to realize somewhat clearly what type of company i'd like to spend time with. without sounding too conceited or prideful, these people have to be sensible, somewhat responsible, have a willingness to change, a willingness to learn, and perhaps the most important above all, the ability to hope.

that doesn't mean necessarily i'm going to shun off those ppl who don't exhibit any or all of those qualities. rather, it's something in my life that i learn i have to accept positively, that in those aspects, some people i can't change. rather, it's by the grace of God that these people allow themselves to open up, and believe that there lies something greater for them in their lives.

even so, if not in company of such people, it would be in order to help others, i.e., ones who lack hope or "excel" in stubbornness. it would be in order to show that change can happen fer the better. and yeah, i know it takes some major convincing. i know, i'm not a cunning linguist, an orator, one who is crafty or even careful with my words. most ppl say i'm quite blunt, direct, and harsh even. but uh, that's cause i'm on the quest fer truth.

the point is, that even though i may not be the right one to convince, persuade, or even to carry out the task to the best of its quality, it's my duty, heh, they say...our calling, our livelyhood. what more can i do to serve and let people understand, by both being there, and living the life that both i proclaim and believe in? consistency is very key.

granted, there are gonna be some rough patches. the uh...road marked with good intentions, blah blah blah. not gonna say i'm gonna turn over "a new leaf" immediately. after all, it's the same leaf. let's say that...i'm gonna try to be more mature and responsible, even if it looks odd.

ah well. when i get back to boston, guess it'll be back to work fer me. the grind, the life, whatever it's called. to all my people, my warriors, my ones who need guidance, ones who are seeking...shine on. shine on.

===================================================================================

when i first came to philly, i wanted to be alone. now as i leave it, for perhaps the final time, all i really wanna do is be with people. funny how life plays itself out, huh?

cheese danish, orange juice

didn't know easter had a taste.

woke up an headed to work. the block was kinda slow, and outside was pretty cold. spotted some dogwalkers-two in particular stood out. a nice tibetan terrier, and this really fat lady with a tiny dog. got stuck on the second block since the mailboxes and names were all screwy.

came back to base to organize some stuff, and get the gb deck runnin. some lunch, then headed out with parents to pick up supplies in quincy apparently.

first stop was south shore plaza. most of the places fell into niche categories and most the old stores are gone. there's now a Lego store-they've gone a long way from simply bein bricks. other oddities such as Hot Topic, lingerie stores at every turn, and "stylish" maternitywear came out. checked out some furniture at bernie and phyl's, then off to walmart in search of shorts and a duffle bag.

that place was a lol-fest. every shorts model is supposed to be this 6 pack, thin, and built person. XL shorts show a guy with lovehandles. some dr. thunder soda, but not that thirsty. also checked out the feminine care section. tons of douches and condoms. also a massive bottle that looks like grape drink, except it's multi-purpose cleaner.

back to base, need to clean, correct, collect, and consume.

============================================================

on the drive back through our old neighborhood, lookin around and seein how much things have changed. small businesses, out of businesses, clothing stores, food chic, etc etc. and i wonder why there goes so much change.

it's cause we get bored. we need diffrent tastes. we're never fully satisfied. content, but not solidly settled, nor sold. that's why we get restless, why we leave our jobs, our spouses, our homes.

now, i dunno what interests accomodate you. i dunno how your life goes, but i know that we're all yearnin fer somethin to fill in us that, well, not a void, but to exterminate that continuous wanting of something more. what makes us completed?

============================================================

people are worth much more than money, although many a time we do put a price on them. insurance companies do it, we do it, politicians do it. know that money is a means to an end, not the end itself.

spanish dip, pita chips, french au jus, vbean frappuccino, perrier, hot fudge sundae

maybe that's my weakness-not aggressive enough when i need to make a final push.

woke up to get to work. had brunch at houston's near government center, with a nice talk about livin life. searched downtown fer some supplies, but none suitable. came back to base to get another jacket. headed to prudential fer a couple of games, and then off to pandemonium fer some fun. doing things isn't as important as figuring out how. back to base again fer dinner and checkin out how to absolve some issues involving life.

====================================================================================

if you never see it, then you can't get hurt? what a buncha bullsh..

====================================================================================

from my uncle: people don't plan to fail; they fail to plan.

white chicken, pasta, orange juice

I want some japanese food, right now. it's my favorite.

woke up early to get my hours in, also before the rain started too. the block itself was kinda lame, but most of the numbers were posted up. one place i had to wait a couple hours for clearance, because the management company needed my supervisor's ok.
another nice car on my routes,

after the weather started to go south, ate lunch and headed to prudential to get my game on. ended up gettin the short end of the stick after a bad trade, but got my needed materials. my Nth protege is doing well.

went to TWIGS, felt kinda bad, due to the seating arrangement. was out of it the whoel time, since i didn't eat yet. some good points made about validating the existence of God. some Bang! afterwards when i got thrashed. headed back the long way to base, and got to get some bake sale food at ABP.

back at base, checkin some emails, msgs. might be gettin sued by half.com soon, and might have to request a new computer fer work.

===================================================================================

couples eventually look the same. we saw it. oh boy, looks like i'm doomed...

===================================================================================

you can't hide it, and you can't schedule it. it's apparent, and there.

lasagna, cherry slurpee

hmm...perhaps i may have to start workin at night. no other way to fill in those hours.

woke up at 10:30, but struggled to wake. tried again at 1, and succeeded. made breakfast the easy way via microwave. checked out some wiki articles, and drafted a new deck idea. gonna use some real crap that no one uses, which is why it'll work. waited fer ivan to show up at my place. funny how he got pissed at me fer waiting at the wrong door the whole time...

after a couple games, headed out to church fer some wiffleball. was stinkin all day, but gettin my batting eye better. stuck around fer a lil bit to let some neighborhood kids participate. headed out to downtown to get a T pass and in hopes of findin a dufflebag. found out Champs was closed about 5 blocks from it. took the longer route back to base.

decktested a lil bit, chatted with some folk. figurin out my work schedule-the rain's gonna kill it, but i gotsta go, like the mailman.

====================================================================================

tday, i was reminded again that the life i have isn't mine. much joy derived from teaching ppl something, whether important or inane. tricky or sadistic. noble or destructive. in some way, we're all trained to be teachers, but i really don't wanna be one in the future.

====================================================================================

the truth will eventually hurt. are you man enough to face it, or do you duck it to avoid the lil pain?

a screwed up omelette on my part, powerade

what's good being #2 of 97, if you can't even beat an outlier more than once? =P

finally had more than 8 hours of sleep las night. weird dreams, but can't recall them now. woke up round 12, afternoon routined it. made some breakfast, which went south before, during, and after it was made. headed out to get some work done. as soon as i left the house, found out that i fergot my wallet and keys...

anyways, headed out to the block i was to cover. first place i ran into was a church,which i later found out i came in thru the side. continued round the block, started to rain a bit, but was doin ok. brought my iPod to prevent boredom, prolly not a good idea to sing Notorious B.I.G. in front of a 4 year old, no?

some ppl were really nice, other ppl were kinda defensive. one guy i agitated, because i called his house number, which was clearly on his doorbell. winds were screwin me and the gps signal, decided to put some gloves on. soon as i put both gloves on, got a phone call from ivan. finished the block in bout 4 hours, then headed back to base. dropped off the work materials, then rushed out with the house, tv dinner in hand.

ymg sucks...ppl don't trade fair, nor do they wanna challenge themselves at all. thinkin of makin a new deck soon, once the materials are found/proxied. pretty bored all the time there.

came back to base again, washed some dishes, makin dinner, plannin my next week.

============================================================

....i notice how chic the south end can be, but it feels so heartless. gated communities, urban renewal, and yuppies... face it, ppl aren't better when they have money; they either start good and fall, or they remain good when they have it.

============================================================

the question in my mind now isn't what i'm lookin for-it's who i'm lookin for. my mate, my compadres, my allies, my guidance, myself, my Lord.

honey bunches of oats

seeking comfort often leads us to the wrong decisions.

woke up, kinda drained from last nigh. job trainin's still goin on, the hardware wasn't registerin yet. a lot of messin around and boredom-got reamed fer sleepin again. went to get lunch at the somalian place again, but their electricity went out.

lunch was a weird talk about elitism and the mentally challenged, kinda made me sad. did fingerprinting and finished up with most of the mapping. got driven back to base by supervisor, took a nap fer some hours, then helped to unpack groceries. watchin jurassic park 3 on tv now.

==============================================================

how stimulated are you really? what's your high? is it the right one?

==============================================================

counting down...even if it's short.

honey bunches of oats, cherry 7 up

it's a challenge to be challenged. but, we need to be challenged in order to face challenges.

stayed up all night surfin the net and playin monopoly. bedded round 6:30, then woke up an hr later to do work hw. work was pretty lame, fallin asleep all the time. got bored and texted a friend some. found out later that i forgot to submit my personnel file.

came back to base, went to prudential in hopes of pickin up my stuff, no dice. got bored again, came back to base. doin laundry, watcihin tv, gotta do some groomin, and catch up on meals with sleep.

============================================================

no offense to anyone who has down syndrome, autism, mental retardation, etc.. at work, when ppl gotta compete against another, it's like fightin in a tournament in the consolation bracket, and even the winner is a "loser". i know it sounds really mean, and i don't mean it like that.. but it's the task of all to triumph over all. my words are sloppy tnight.

============================================================

i want to taste some sweet fruit. my mind misses it.

chinese wheat bread, orange juice

Don't let the sun go down on your anger. Now I know why.

was restless in bed thinkin of ppl in bed. found a splinter in my pants, dunno how it got there. woke up an headed to the post office to sell off another textbook. took the bus to get to work, someone splashed coffee on me.

explored the place roun som. it's a lot larger from the inside. filled out some forms, heard some spiels. sounds a lot of work fer X dollars an hour. apparently an old school mate is workin with me too.

on the breaks, looked fer some decent food. there's a somalian place and some spanish buffet place, but the food didn't sound too appealin. went to walgreens fer some drank. also got bored, checked out the goodwill store. got a dartboard, 2 shirts and a stuffed animal.

ended early cause they couldn't fingerprint us. back to base in the rain, come back an find out TWIGS is tmr. prolly gon chill here fer rest of the day, might check out the "alternative" gym 2 blocks down, need to kill some flab.

==========================

===================================

not mad anymore, guess i gotta learn how to take jokes. i know i can, but some seedy stuff goes down, and oh well. the sacrifices i make in order to cap a lil happiness in life. if anythin, i should be pologizin, but that might be attributed to force of habit.

=============================================================

countin down the days. as of right now, i'm a free man.

dumpings and cherry slurpee...gotta fiinish them

cannot wait to leap at the chance to escape this "spring weather" in boston...freezin my nips off.

woke with dreams involvin talkin to mysterious woman, then someone's roommate, while waiting for a card tournament to start. gotta learn that i can't speak to them 3 centimeters away...keeps on incitin somethin...

post complete.

2nd round, dumplings and grape soda

guess i'm "sprung", according to urbandictionary.com

no dreams tday, but medical problems. went to copley, found out we're kicked. headed to prudential, got some connections down. went to TWIGS after, came back to base, get challenged by parents. irritated right now.

====================================================================

reputation is something that needs to be upheld. not the fake one, or the high and mighty one, but the honorable one. tday, someone got their stuff stolen, and i had to put it on my word that certain ppl didn't do it (even though i know fer a fact they've done it before). truth be told, i suspected someone already, but it didn't matter; everyone gets judged if the party's paranoid or threatened.

but it's sad they gotta act like lil thugs... learn to be a man.

===================================================================

the handicap principle comes into play way too much...stupid ppl fall for stupid things.

dumplings, grape soda =(

time to acknowledge my corruption before i go fixin other ppl's crap. i have no high horse.

was primed to go to service tday, but i turned off my phone to avoid jeff's possible calls and texts. got woken up by parents to go, but stayed in bed. my real alarm went off at 11, so someone turned on my phone again...had a weird dream where i got murdered in someone's house by a rampant serial killer. woke up with a feelin between where my left arm an torso meet, that it felt like it was gonna fall off. made breakfast/lunch again.

went out to meet ppl from ss. thought we were goin to 88, instead they headed to asian garden. decided to head to asian supermarket fer pepto bismol drink. played some bball at the gym, then back to church fer some games of stratego and mario party 2. ppl didn't vacate, so played some whiffleball instead.

came back to base, hung with ivan fer a bit, then napped and cleaned my rooms some. all in all a decent day, no money though.

==================================================================

if no one's around, can one perform acts of goodness?

==================================================================

gotta rember to eat your Daily Bread. somethin to cure the stomach rumblin'

dumplings, soy sauce

as i look at my titles fer notes, i'm thankful i'm at least eating diffrent things each day.

woke up at 11ish, weird dream involving me want to play runescape again, and pushing a friend into water, ruining his only pair of clothes. went back to bed, woke up again at 1:30ish, and realized i blew off the guy from Winthrop. hopfly, we can still barter my game system. made some breakfast, while watchin Down To You on tv; Julia Stiles is attractive.

headed out to YMG, nice operator who swapped my charlie ticket fer cash. spent the whole day lookin fer trades, gettin pissed off at Eric for him bein him, and play tested each way. was able to get most of the stuff, not only fer me but other ppl too. a fight broke out in front of anna's taqueria, 2nd instance of one this week in my life, ignored it again.

came back to base, a couple talks with friends. glad to know that things are ok between us. gotta learn not to think the corny thoughts anymore-we grown now. other friends are perhaps crushin again, gotta make sure that don't end up sloppy. stomach pains, cured by dumps and bread. thank God fer connections.

==========================

===================================

if anything, i've understood that this game i play...it's been that massive greed motivates us.

ppl want the money, ppl want the big payoffs, ppl want the biggest, largest, fattest mofo on the block.

instead, we gotta show them that with humility comes strength, cunning, and respect.

this night, we gotta realize that we must step off our thrones on high, and meet with the masses on the ground floor.

=============================================================

mere math motivates many morons. must maniacs muse more?

spaghetti with sauce and cheese

getting more sleep hasn't helped me, but it's gettin back into the "wake up before 10 am" cycle that's important.

woke to bad dreams. 2 dreams both involving thievery, one at my old apartment, the other involving my current place. one more dream involving my barb entering the arcane sanctuary and dying by a hell minotaur. really tardo, cause he didn't have double swing-only a wooden shield.

makin breakfast righ now, tryin to plan out this day. gonna go to orange julius simply to use my coupon, but it's also not half bad. hopfly pick up the psp stuff and be able to borrow an xbox 360. later on tnight, prolly readin and retirin into the night early. gotta go grocery shoppin too-the food fiasco's gone.

sigh...

right now, i'm in this weird place. wanting to be entertained, but not searching entertainment. wishin things could be resolved and laid out in stone, rather than me havin to continually guess my emotions and read others.

hopin that i can figure out how i can deal with friends and coworkers at a later date. runnin through a cycle again when i shoot myself in the foot in order to make others' lives a bit more efficient. always forgettin that there's an emotional component, which i seem to snuff out, for the sake of action. it's at these moments that i realize that the proper action may in fact be to falter and take it slow.

slow, simply because in case we do fall and fail, we are doing it together. some of the greatest feelings of accomplishment don't come in the shine of the sun, but the moodiness of night.

if i could, i'd make it so that ppl are happy fer the right reasons, and not simply in order to satisfy a task or some innate character deficiency. but it's not gonna happen, and ppl aren't going to understand overnight, nor when it really matters.

so perhaps shallowness might be the way to go, in order for some boulders of truth to get things done. it's not giving up, but it's taking a diffrent route to the same destination.

pancakes with jam, scrambled eggs, fruit punch soda

man was not meant to beg on his knees, nor fly like an eagle. earth is his domain.

woke up early from a weird series of dreams. mystery girl morphing into something else, old people on top of a summer camp hill, me singing go west "king of wishful thinking". me falling, rolling down the hill into the surrounding area of mystery woman's bed. about to enter, when all of a sudden, i play a murmillo and destroy a spirit reaper. i'm about to attack for game, when i hear another woman's voice saying "no, please". the familiarity and pleading tone of voice placates me. enter sunlight.

jeff woke me up, needin somthin to do. came over, made pancakes and scrambled eggs. plannin to see off jonathan but was too late by then. cleanin up the house some, then headed to copley. ppl with lack of confidence, while debatin the economy's status. on and off with gameplay, while talkin to folks, makin jokes. wendy's after, hearin stories and failures of glory.

TWIGS after, learnin about how God wants us to take risks with what we have, our talents, gifts, responsibilities. not unnecry risks though. played some r band and heads-up bang. walkin back to base, assailed by visions of poverty. recollectin my thoughts now.

============================================================

headin back to base from TWIGS around mass ave, a spanish guy asks me fer directions, an i shrug it off since i didn't know the street he was lookin fer. he then asks me fer money twice, 50 cents first, then a quarter. i play it off by "faking" that i only know chinese.

headin down tremont st. saw two people on two separate blocks, checkin trash fer cans. night's stil active in the cafes and bars. thinkin the street's a lil more soulless now.

back to base round my area-i think...yeah, we gotta do somethin bout this. this ain't the way a city's sposed to treat its citizens. public awareness, empowerment, housing, ....we gotta do somethin together. a lil sacrifice makes a diffrence in life.

=============================================================

there is much risk in doing an action as well as considering it. a risk with no reward...is only a reward not seen, but not recognized.

fettuccini alfredo, fruit punch soda

noticed that the last couple times i was sick, it was cause i was spendin time with friends =)

woke up round 10ish, wasn't feelin too good. went back to bed and woke again at 1. ate some breakfast/lunch at home instead of out, dim sumin or whatever.

headed to church to look fer ppl. played some bball on the outdoor court, back inside later. watched a travesty of a monpoly game go down, while indulgin in old school paperboy.

back to base, ivan, jonathan, james, and mel at my place. we found a book in the livin room that had a buncha pickup lines to get women. played some games, headed to james' place fer pizza and guitar hero.

return again to base, made 2 decks. thinkin bout day and night. the lonely loner seems to free his mind at night...

=============================================================

i've made up my mind. noble ends can come from ignoble actions.

made a new enemy today, solidified in stone. time to get smarter.

=============================================================

so...from what i hear, cops had to patrol against bars and liquor stores, cause of the st. paddy's parade? ...must we equate drinking and..?

flutie flakes, popcorn, fruit punch soda

my eyesight is so bad now-more accustomed to the darkness, and but still lookin for rays of light to guide me to my final destination.

woke up mid late, strugglin with my bed, feelin a lil irritated but also restless. stuck around fer a bit at home, got some good news bout a friend and her troubles.

went out to ymg, waited fer ppl to show up. killed some time in the park, playin horse and findin the errors in my shot. met up ivan and apparently he brought an acquaintance too.

came back to base, started to make shrimp alfredo w/fettuccini. got screwed up cause the cheese somehow created a bunch of oil in the sauce. decided to salvage most of it by de-oiling the mix.

wiki'd one of my old favorite shows, married with children. some tv, some games, some talk on the side, but nothin real deep. revelations in the back room, i spose. ponderin how tmr's gon go, what i wanna do, who i wanna spend time with, etc etc.

=============================================================

if you're scient (observant, knowing) enough in any situation, watching for the tendencies, you can dig yourself out of it, rise up and perhaps overcome.

my wonder is how short or how long life's gon be fer me. my wonder is if i made a diffrence tnight or any other night in those lives i interact with, even for a lil while durin the days. whether or not they end up becomin better ppl, either from example or observation of my folly, it's important to even "feel" that change is being done.

tday, guess was a weird day. simplest of moments give my mind volumes to struggle with. yday, i'm wantin to eradicate myself of someone's presence, and tday it comes back. the so called "veterans" are playin the same trash. an unheard question led me to a proverb by C.S. Lewis on the train. even the briefest of talks... they help me understand and piece together what exactly my role is..

tmr, what does it mark? as i write this, listenin to anthony hamilton, i wonder if tmr is gonna be game filled, or gain filled. lookin further into the next month-possible clashes once again with my 2 organs. the phrase "life goes on"... makes it necessary to prepare for a life with and without, yknow?

==============================================================

these nights, i never end them with a smile on my face. for once, i ask of one.

french toast, scrambled eggs, purple powerade

with all the money in the world, would your life really change? or would your inhibitions disappear, only to resurface as new vices?

woke up early, but dreamin about the game. thought i smelt pancakes, but it was french toast. ate my cheesy eggs while jonathan killed me at cooking.

copley-won some more games. new deck ideas. left around 4 to kill time at prudential to wait for shaq. saw someone get robbed of their ipod. hung around fer a couple hours, found a Playboy in the bathroom. went to shaws to pick up ingredients fer shrimp alfredo.

back to base, cleaned up some, ate leftovers and mulled over the day. tried to watch some dvd, but ppl got bored and tired. plannin fer tmr.

===================================================================

it's a drag. the unique ideas i "have", now they're being listened to, and i don't want that. there's a reason why i made it that way-it worked for me, a large percentage of the time. now, if people are going to do the same thing, it's gonna lose its effectiveness.

===================================================================

you know, i can't lie. now i'm startin to feel a little greedy too..

flutie flakes, purple powerade, beefaroni

i don't mind losing-the challenge is what keeps me comin back, an it makes it that much sweeter.

woke up early but still was feelin groggy. checked up on the job postin again, searched instead for the branch office online, and emailed them to make sure i wasn't gettin another hoax mail. went out, played some games, talked to some ppl. came back to base, ate a nice homemade meal and then lounged fer the rest of the night. don't think i ought to become a certified nursing assistant-cause i mean, i guess it's good on paper to have, but other than that, i have no justification to go for it. lulz don't count..

====================================================================

every day gives me some time to reflect upon who i am, what i do, who i'm not, and what i ought to do. if anything, i learned that i'm too drawn to sympathy and intellect.

sympathy in the sense of understanding and on the level communication. intellect in the sense of tinkering around and curiosity. any endeavor that involves either or both of those values together puts me out there. fer most of these days, it would actually be discussing tactics of a certain game i play. tis sad, but it's my stimulant.

the other thing i learned tday is that i can be a real bully, given the proper circumstances. i rember a conversation i had with some friends, regarding murder and if i'd do it. guess if i can do somin small like this, then perhaps it is possible.

think i need to be outside again. outside of my bubble world in order to regrow my life.

==================================================================

trips in and out of a possible ghost town next month.

flutie flakes, blue powerade

how do we actually save daylight? is this save as in...conserve, or save as in...to recover a loss?

after comin back from ymg las night feelin a lil fiendish, played games fer a bit then went to sleep. woke up next mornin, eat breakfast. found out i ran outta socks..eww. headed to service, caught up with a friend after, then headed to trellis. learned bout logic and syllogisms. lunch after at gourmet dumpling place-ended up seein 3 worlds "collide". food was so-so, felt a lil stomachy after.

came back, decided to whiffleball instead of monpoly. played some n64, then came back to base. entertained another friend, an now watchin tv. mullin oer what to do tmr, other than go to the bank and make dinner fer TWIGS ppl.

=====================================================================

service got me in the gut. expansion got me to wonder, while the sermon made me view my life in a different light. the thing that hit me the most was right in front of my eyes.

5+ years. gone. done. chapter of my life over. made one mistake, ok. a couple of mistakes that snowballed from it. pains me the most to see it, especially when an bad episode become the leading series.

no curse words, no anger, no regret. when i look at it, i see that from it, i wanted to become a better person. and i still do, not for those certain people anymore, but for the benefit of everybody.

*sigh*... don't think it'll er come back, cause i don't detect a heart. can only say i are friend first-and as long as they're in a better place than you can ever lead them to, then that's what matters.

===================================================================

we let cruelty slip into our brains, like noxious vapors. when we express ourselves, we release it, but not purge ourselves of it.

instant noodles, orange juice

at one of the few points in life where havin a snow day doesn't matter fer me nemore.

woke up round 11ish with a funky dream in my mind bout dancin. played some games fer a bit, while eatin breakfast. found out that there's over 110% of the daily intake of sodium in it-ruined my taste. gettin yelled at too don't make my day either.

went to lib to take care of stuff. plans to start mentoring some ppl, if in fact they can get it out of their heads that their way, or the "pros" way is the best method. still seein that folks only respect the money line, or are too committed to their own ideals.

bk after, went to twigs. was a weird night, considerin all the semi-isolation that i felt/saw being caused by the couples. the few solaces i had, whether gaming or music, didn't seem to work out in the end.

back to base, phone call in hand, can't talk because the roommate's sleepin. dunno what i'm feelin now-the last couple hours are collapsin on me. noticed that on my ipizzle that the only categories of songs are either love or rap...

wantin to get away from the non-life i ever had.

==========================

============================

feelin this rancid taste in my mouth, simply because the path to happiness i want, i can never have.

======================================================

righ now, lookin fer ppl in life to understand. thinkin however, my mind and heart are really confused...

rice, porkchop, water

boredom at home some more-as i wonder what prison could be like, i realize that this now is the minimum security facility i've never wanted my whole life.

mornin started kinda rough and feelin kinda hungry.
not enough sleep, phone not in front of me.
jeff at the lib, called, asked if i wanted to chill, at a friend's place way up near mission hill.
decided to take my mornin kinda slow, although in an hour or so i'd be on the go.
7 eleven gettin my drink, while headin to copley gave me time to think.
in the 5 hour mark i suddenly noticed the weather. winds blowin so hard, makin streetlights sway like feathers.
hung around for a couple of minutes, tryin to get my head an my feelin all in it.
people lookin for books, and me to act funny. this other cat i know ditches his mat only fer money.
i said no, still kinda empty and broke. challenged him to a game, cause he's a total joke.
but he shrugs it away, and i leave him be. searchin around for the next mind candy.
monday night, 6 o clock, group that i goes. dinner had salsa, chips, burritos.
talked bout the sermon and words inspired from above. inquired and debatin bout what really is love.
an action, a feeling, a desired happy state? how really do we show it, how to avoid hate?
the night carries on, sittin here, feelin loose. refreshin my mind on some orange juice.

===================================================================

but i guess, let's get serious fer a moment. tnight, one the key questions was "is love a feeling, or an action?". from what i gather, we respond to the love we feel with actions for someone/something. that we don't know whether or not we do love, until we act, because how do we express our love? how do others know that we love them, or that they are loved, until they receive actions? what is it to feel love?

(narf..ok i rember the other thing that caught my mind). can someone who hasn't experienced love express it? sounds simple enough...i guess we start off by defining what love is, and also by defining the circumstances behind it. (my mind's in a haze right now, and my eyes hurt). hmm, to say that would be saying, can one do good and not know of the concept of good? most ppl would equate love with good, or rather, to love is to do good. goodness, however, may not equate to love. this would be presupposing that love is a conscious feeling, active and aware of its expression and intention. good can simply be done, without awareness or intent, intent being the desired purpose from the giver, and not so much to the recipent.

what i can only say is that, if nothing else, it is love that is hardest to understand, hardest to feel, hardest to do. but that being said...how much more important and fulfilling is it when finally attained?

====================================================================

guess there are a couple souls on my mind. gotta work on bein a better me, so that they can see Him. simple as that-my life's not my own.

no-money style writings

woke this mornin to package some books, started the day checkin my looks.
hair in a mess, pants in a flutter, rememberin we got excess peanut butter.
blew a couple hours, playin some games, frustration and lameness, more of the same.
stuck round till late 3 to send out the mail. no idea of success or of another fail.
when i got to the office, checked my bag. forgot the shippin labels, makin me mad.
headed back home, mind cast in doubt. let loose in anger, spittin the f word out.
fast forward a couple hours, seekin a deal. still on the welfare diet, 2 bowls of oatmeal.
the night talk with some friends, as mundane it could be, revealed in my heart the love i didn't see.
today tomorrow, i furrow my brow, to find a way out of my life somehow.
dreamin, prayin lookin for more, reverting to the tasks that i greatly abhor.
but entertained amidst all the confusion and fuss, to learn the Holy G's in all of us.

man..i need some flow.

recap of the week so far

still in my off time, while looking for a job. to say, not much has really gone on since comin back on sunday.

(huh...the weather..it's snowing? outside) anyways, the past couple days have been at home. playin games, sellin my textbooks, and tryin to get rid of junk at base. my reco forms, fer some reason, haven't come into the philly offices, which is really disappointing to hear. actually hand delivered my part too..

saw an ad i guess to work fer the census bureau. took their placement exam-was like the mcas. pretty much basic math and reading questions. can't believe ppl were havin a prolem with it, but it pays crappily. oh well, any work's better than none righ now.

still waitin to hear back on my other spots. people are gettin hard hit these days, not only with money and resources, but knowledge and overall mistrust. gon be a while before things are sorted out. in the meantime, i'll enjoy the luxury that is sleepin for X hours a day, where X = 8 or more.

but i breathe out heavily, waitin for a sign. dunno if i wanna stay here still, but it's the haven that doesn't create as much friction... =(

valentine's day 2009

Only the Lord knows my true intentions.

Pretty much I was goin thru a rough patch. To anyone who knows what I'm about, there are only a few things I take seriously (even if it looks really corny): respect, knowledge, wisdom, "justice", war, and relationships. This weekend I was assailed by the latter of the latter.

All I sought to do was to surprise/cheer up a friend, while spendin time with some others and a lil change of scenery at the same time. I accomplished most of what I wanted to do, but I feel I did it at the cost of my soul.

More or less, I had fun. Ended up alienating a lot of ppl for the wrong reasons. Furthermore, it's pretty much set in stone that I have consistent trouble with trying to establish "the perfect relationship". So many issues have come up in the past, ranging from pride, jealousy, and oerprotection, to religion and avoidance of sex.

Fer now, I dunno what path I'm destined for. Judging from what I understood from devotionals today, it's a path of destruction, to Sheol with no return. My heartstrings, spirit, intellect and common sense are all being tugged at, but in the end, I can only sense a call of responsibility. How I keep on getting into these scenarios, I dunno. I admit that while in them, the idea of having to pick a side, whether to keep it clean or not, is both undesirable yet wanted.

As I go back to what my normal, obscure life is, I will continue to figure out how to get this all together. And yeah, it's gon be a challenge.

Sigh...we're not a couple, only a couple of lost folks in the wind...

cookies, water, advil

day 2 of bein back at base. slept in all mornin, then coughed my lungs out while watchin the superbowl. various other things on tv too.

-commercials sucked.
-pittsburgh won, meh.
-bored

gonna try practicin all my inherent skills again, this time, gotta emphasize them more for cash though. or at the ver least so that i can feel (happy?) again. dunno-looks like i are not gettin a job so early so i might as well enjoy myself.

countin down some days till that jacked up hallmark day comes. least if nothin else, i already have chocolate =p

bringin back the hits

or whatever they call it in terms of recurring events. day 1 of bein back home.

so i guess you can call my time at boston, semi-vacation, extended. woke up earlier than expected this morn, din't check the clock. went back to bed and rewoke 15 minutes before noon. watched pokemon 3: the movie on tv, ate some cookies, played some games and generally was bored this afternoon.

went with my relatives to jin (again) fer i guess a chinese new year dinner.
highlights from the meal:

-cousin's kid kissed another cousin's kid on the lips
-mango slush drink
-basketball on the tellyscreen
-had to make improptu earplugs, due to lion dance performance inside
-gettin my appetite back

back to base, might have a plan for the summer, but would involve abandoning boston again...righ now, wouldn't seem to hurt. prolly gonna take it easy the next week or so, cure up, and then out on the streets fer work.

li wong baos, crack drink

Into the fray once more. don't know if permanently, but the ver least I gotta get here to find out

After a wiki session that kept me up till 3 am, woke up @ 930 to finish packin. Headed out the door round 1020 into a snow squall. About 40 blocks, 2 bags slowed down by inches. Got on the bus at 11, and travelled all afternoon. ETA prolly round 7 pm.

Maybe grab some dinner, work on some required writings, then to sleep, preppin fer a long day tmr. No solid plan, only a buncha tasks to get done.

===========================

Don't know what I want to accomplish here. Fer now, I want to be able to live comfortably without the hassles of the past burdening me. Cept there's gon be ver little initial support. Sigh...

But I know that whener I try to get to that point of evrythin bein ok, life sweeps me off my feet once again. At least it's better to have th*t hapnin now, rather when there's a lot more on the line and a lot more to have lost. Character buildin experience, yknow?

To that end, I gotta start somewhere and be open to unconvebtional notions. Notions of trust, humility, servitude, and boldness. Those types of attitudes do not come oernight, which is somethin I'm constantly bein reminded of. Again, it's not of my own ability, but of somethin greater.

Now to live out in for the truth