cheerios, ibuprofin, milk tea

day 2 of being sick only makes me wonder what happens if i actually caught the flu this year.

a relatively short day begins with a review for Hong Kong Eatery (check my Yelp), the middle with false news, and the end with a hope for a better day. as i type this, i think "damn, the year's almost over. where am i gonna be on new year's eve, and who do i wanna spend it with?" thoughts in my mind about the weather, the festivities, and most importantly the future. nothing's planned, nor set in stone, even though there's a nagging in the back of my mind that it's already been and being taken care of for decades on.

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in this ho-hum day, i posted a couple of statuses on the facebook. one random update turned out to be either coincidental or providential.

i had posted "if there's one thing neone should do before they die, they shoud definitely confess to killin Biggie or Tupac." after listening to the radio and my itunes. the update is a play on the whole bucket list of recommendations for what people would or should do before they die. these things are as mundane as travelling to Europe, to as wild as wrestling in a tub of jello with swedish swimsuit models. 

but anyways, 5 minutes after i had posted that, on the news feed, another friend posted a link to a youtube clip saying that Tupac's murderer was arrested today. link to one of many posted videos about the coverage is 

it turns out that this was actually a hoax. i looked at the clip to entertain the thought, and during the clip, one can see on the news channel's scrolling bar that the date was may 20, 2010 or something like that. there are also a couple of slip ups regarding the date and time-frame of certain events as well.

regardless, whether or not the clip had been real, (though it would have been great if it were), the focus of thought i have right now upon said clip is the why. bleh, let me start again-word salad. { i would have been happy if the clip were true. it was not. nevertheless, it got me thinking why the clip was made. }

there were many comments on the youtube. among them are the standard spammers, the classiness of cuss words towards certain peoples and "representing your block of LA". in looking for more coherent responses, i had found two. one was that this clip was an attempt to promote the Tupac assassination dvd. the other is that suge knight is responsible.

i don't know of or know about the tupac dvd. i don't know suge knight. i can't say if he is directly or indirectly responsible. all i know, and i say this without implicating anybody, but this was my comment about it, that most murders are usually committed by a close party or had some intimate contact with the deceased. usually killings are not done by strangers to others (this is what i remember from my forensics class)

if either of those responses are true, that could spell out different implications, but again, i'm not sure. what i see in front of me though are that both of those responses are both media-related and media influenced.

the tupac dvd was produced by mill creek entertainment, a business started in the early 2000s and distributes dvds or box sets. i don't know much about the company itself, but i wouldn't be surprised if a company would engage in this in order to profit. after all, when bruce lee died, there were a string of movies released by dozens of studios that sought to capitalize on the fame of that legendary person. these films were labelled as "bruceploitation", a play off the blaxploitation films of the 70s.  

suge knight was the current ceo of death row records. at the time, the whole east coast and west coast hip-hop rivalry was at its peak, with all the big names involved.  during the latter point of Tupac's life, death row records was falling into decline not only due to the rivalry, but also because of internal struggles within the record label, mainly due to the increasingly thug apperance of the organization. prominent artists such as dr. dre, snoop dogg, and warren g had left to record and produce their own records. tupac had also talked about starting his own label, makavelli record, and also signing new talent. one could possible conjecture that suge did this either in retribution for leaving, or because due to his popularity, tupac could have been a major threat financially to death row records. again i don't know.

what i also know is that the responses to blame the media and these media figures are, oddly enough, being reasoned to us and conferred to us by the media. the same outlet that we blame for these behaviors is also our dominant source material in our logic. it's kinda like that catch 22 where you need to have experience to get a job, but you need a job to get experience.

the important thing to realize though is that we're being distracted. yes, people can blame the media for X kind of people, or Y type of behavior, but the thing is that, like technology, the media is inherently good. it has started as its base word-medium. given, there have been many changes ever since advances in technology, but essentially, it has always remained as a channel of mediums to convey information. it is the conduit, the wire, the messenger, the container which holds a substance.

it is actually the substance to focus upon. the dominant themes within this whole conversation, elements of greed, power, thuggery and  pride, are transmitted to us through the media and perhaps even driven to us as well. however, these people and parties whom are involved live outside of media too. in fact we all do. what i'm saying is that those issues existed long before media-those problems and shortcomings of people in society. people need to change those attitudes and individuals first before blaming the channel that provides it. it becomes all too easy subvert our brothers and sisters and even our own humanity when there's a readily available and prevalent scapegoat.

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2 more days and phase 1 is complete.

Posted via email from Bloodscope Economics

pizzeria regina, milk tea, aloe drink, cough syrup

it's good to be back on the blogosphere again.

day 1 of being sick is no fun. woke up and had that bad feeling in my throat, which i thought it was because i swallowed my pillow again. it was about 11 am when i got a phone call asking if i was available for lunch. deciding that the outside world, as cold as it were, was more fruitful than lying in bed aching and depressed. went out, met them up, had a nice catching up, and then hung around the area to meet up another friend. got bored, so decided to play some games instead at the prudential food court. after that last "crucial game", i was happy in knowing that i still play it pretty good.

came back to base, and was bored the rest of the night. played some more games, took care of emails, chatted with folks and stuck around to see the sunrise again for the 10th time this month. really needing to go to sleep at a status quo time.

================================================================================================

the lunch was good because i don't usually get to talk with said friend or catch up all too often. usually it's on the gchat where communication begins and ends, so it was a refreshing change of pace. also at the same time, i was looking for information as to see how philadelphia was doing. am planning a trip back there in february to relax, catch up, and maybe be an idiot tourist for the first time in a long while.

what was interesting though was something that popped up during our conversation. we started talking about ministries and how the current state of affairs for our own were going. this one idea that was mentioned, titles as it were, got me thinking.

titles scare us, or rather provoke us to respond, usually in a negative or defensive manner. within the context of our conversation, it refers to us being leaders or head participants in our respective ministries. within the church, it comes up more commonly as our roles within the church, whether we are serving or not, and to what capacity.

most, if not all, times when positions and responsibilities are given, there enters the power struggle, or rather the possibility of pride (and incidentally prejudice-no pun intended). no one intended to lord over their positions among others, unless they only took the job for that title (doctor, professor, officer, president, etc.)

however when those differences occur, there inevitably is a whiplash. how many of us look down upon authority figures of any type, whether corporate ceos to officers of the law or within our own lives, maybe parents or elders? is it because we dislike their behaviors? perhaps we fundamentally despise an authority that looks over us. perhaps we fear that they may threaten our ways of life because we cannot keep them in check...

titles are receiving all too much emphasis in today's world. everyone's looking to become something greater in their occupations. who doesn't want to be senior vp, or regional manager, or knighted even? it doesn't have to be as extreme as in the caste system, but people love having those prefixes and suffixes. after all, no one wants to hand someone a one word business card.

yet at the same time, we hold people with titles in great disdain, even more so when those titles start to overcrowd and simply become superfluous words, devoid of meaning and necessity. we can look at the lead corporate finance officer of a large company as simply "Fred".

as they say though, there's something that's in a name. our Christmas service-Christ was given 3 titles: Savior, Jesus, and Lord.

the other thought that tied into the subject of titles is our response. whenever there is a leading or dominant authority within a group of people, there is always a minority who will be self-spurred to respond. they are the different ones, who could be good or bad, valid or heretical in their thought. this group of individuals may not have even communicated with one another at all, but with the introduction of a power structure, these people have mobilized, now becoming allies to each other and seen as the rebels to the authority. it is within the development and unfolding of events whether or not the change they want to see becomes the majority rule, and again if the cycle restarts when they or another body comes to rule. 

confused i am as to how life operates. 

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realized that fear only exists if you're afraid to lose something.

Posted via email from Bloodscope Economics

Ode to Winter

you send chills down my spine-my response is modesty.
you're coming soon, bringing a change of light.
your presence is unmistakable-you are unique in time.
others look forward to your arrival, but to me, you're just cold.
i know you mean well-you were made for a purpose which i'll never understand, but we're not ready for you.
you're great-you make children smile, but you leave others feeling isolated and alone.
hope by this time next year i'm ok with you.
life wouldn't be the same if you were gone.

Posted via email from Bloodscope Economics

Marshmallow Pebbles (which is a crappy cereal and I regret having tried it)

This is going to be a short post since I've implicitly learned that anything "controversial or thought-provoking" I write about while looking for a job may keep me from getting hired. It's a shame really, but everyone has their own agenda, whether good or bad. If you've been around me long enough, you'll learn two things: I think very unconventionally, often to the point of counter-culturalism, and that appearances can be deceiving. Also this is a short post since I'm still really pissed off from the dinner tonight at Stockyard. (Read my review on Yelp to find out why.)

So tonight after dinner, we stopped at Dunkin' Donuts to chill. We were talking about all types of issues, which was cool, running the gamut from marriages and businesses, the economy to job outlooks, and how often people socialize with each other. What we ended up coming together about though were various Youtube videos that became popular memes on the internet. You know which ones I'm talking about-some of the more recent ones: 2 Girls, 1 Cup, Double Rainbow, the Best Cry, and rampant use of autotune. Most of these spectacles picked up steam for their shock value, derisiveness, and outlandishness and many have been viewed by millions as well. A friend commented that even CNN had covered stories about these memes. From that comment, I started thinking...

My initial thought was about the state of entertainment right now, especially with so-called reality shows that are more often staged than spontaneous. Youtube is the perfect example-everyone wants a piece of the action by creating a skit, speech, or an act that's going to capture people's attention. Is this life imitating art where folks integrate these memes into the daily grind, or art imitating life where subject matter is created from others' recycled ideas? I can see another purpose for Youtube now. Like a comment on Facebook statuses, some people like having a soapbox to stand on. It feels good, and it's a part of human nature to be noticed, to have praises showered upon oneself, to be regarded as important to the masses. Perhaps some entertainment needs to be concocted and planned out, but more often than not, it is the natural ebb and flow of life that's going to provide the fun times. The elements of life that are unexpected and can't be controlled: it is those that we cherish and long for the most. Anyone can be an internet star by doing something silly, but at the end of the night, you're only a blink of the eye in society's timeline-easily forgotten and ridiculed.

The following thought came afterward, that the internet has fallen from its original purpose. I remember the day where I first logged onto America Online with those CDs that people use as coasters now, cause they were spammed in people's mailboxes. The first site I went onto was Nintendo.com, where I looked for the latest cheat codes for video games I had. Now I use the internet for a whole laundry list of tasks but mostly it's for information. Google can be a time-saver, but Wikipedia can be a time waster. A lot of people use it for different purposes too, noted by e-commerce and personal communication. (Wasn't the original purpose of internet military related?) Anyways, the internet is integrated by people in order to bolster their own lifestyles while expanding into new frontiers. That famous quote where someone says the internet is a series of tubes? Perhaps they weren't that far off: those pneumatic tubes are there for transporting an item from one location to another. This is what were doing now.

I have relatively little insight for the future direction of this world, and certainly much less for the artificial one created on the internet. Many moral and ethical issues also come into play especially for the nature of the internet in how connected this network is and how quickly information is disseminated as well. It is not my job to police people or wage wars against organizations (at least without bigger weapons, both mental and financial). Rather it is to understand how and why these elements are here and figure out how to fix them, or at the very least temper their effects. Why? Above all, the internet is a tool, created by people for people. If we knew how to work well with people, then much of the problems created by the internet affecting people on the internet would be gone. Maybe they'd be done away with in real lives too. 

Posted via email from Bloodscope Economics

Hot Dogs, Gatorade and Orange Cranberry Muffin

I think it's been a while since I did some reflection in culture. The last time I talked about life being so-so different was from the trip to Canada, and even so, I don't think it'd be that much of a change (except for the whole Frenchiness). Anyways, I was coming back from Somerville to pick up an old Nintendo 64, the rain started to come down. It wasn't so much of the water or the weather, but it was the little obligations that come along with it. For me, it was the crappy umbrella I borrowed, the very porous backpack I wore, and the thirst that wasn't quenched. Plus when the train came into Sullivan Square station, it unloaded a wave of dripping for anyone unprepared. All I wanted to do until I reached New England Medical Center was veg out in my mind, but I knew I had to be alert for tonight. Even as I'm writing this entry, I fell behind in some work and instead decided to cradle myself in reading, which was probably not the appropriate action.

During the last couple of stations, an individual came along with a man, who was standing on my left. This individual who reeked of alcohol became very vocal for this man on account of no one was giving up their seats. He also proceeded into a mini-diatribe about the disappearance of courtesy and that "the men, both young and old, should have got up" (A woman had done so, and also there was an empty seat as well). On the right side, another woman was asking another man to give up a seat, for he was occupying two of them. He refused, and the woman responded with a bit more hostility. Again, the man refused, and the woman gave up asking. From these coincidental yet related events that happened in the same area and time, I opt to reflect upon things pertaining to the realms of manners and individual interests.

Perhaps chivalry is dead as they say, but I believe courtesy still exists. I cannot speak on behalf of the individual, but he did have a point of folks needing to be a bit more courteous to others, especially the elderly and encumbered. His presentation of his thoughts, ironically enough, could have been seen as self-righteous, which may have been a contributing factor as to why no one responded positively. The man who was also with the individual also did not seem as he desired a seat, nor in the very least wanted to trouble anyone for a seat, as witnessed in his speech. Personally, I think that everyone else was much more interested in being comfortable sitting down, not giving heed to this individual's words, considering it was bad weather. People's own self-interests are at hand, which also played a part in the other episode of "please give up your seat." The other man who was refusing a seat to the other woman-both people come into the wrong: the man for not giving up one of his seats, and the woman for cursing at the man.

(A random thought comes into my mind that ties into this entry. Perhaps it is our own wanting to assert power, especially to beings whom we see as weak or inferior that both individuals acted like they did. The individual bolstered by liquid courage ended up yelling at a lady and her child, both who were in conservative Islamic garb, and the man did not give the seat to the woman. There seems to be a surge of self-seeking up in this piece.)

At any rate, I come back to base looking for an answer to the death I feel in my heart, especially with the summer ending. Why does it feel that all I'm good at is burning bridges? Instead of expanding upon a network of associates, I actually am closing them down and shutting them out. Maybe this is my own individualism expressing itself...could this be the reason I feel so crushed? Fading away from society versus the willingness to isolate from it...

 

Posted via email from Bloodscope Economics

And we're back!....

...not only from Canada but to the blogosphere.

It was good that I got to take time off from all the mundane activity of looking for work and confusing reads over the internet. The country air, atmosphere and different culture, combined with stepping away from the internet and radio allowed my head to clear up. The long car rides across the borders gave me time to really appreciate and meditate the time I was given.

I guess the first thought that came to mind was the example of parenthood. Details came in before, during, and after the trip concerning how my father parents his kids. It's funny really, because it's like watching life unravel in real time, even if it's as silly as telling kids to keep it quiet or dealing with disputes. Watching him take care of all of us-it was certainly pleasant and comforting, even if that experience came a lot later than it probably should have.

Relating to that thought is the remedying of that feeling of a second family. Whether or not legality comes into play, it's tough to ignore blood. Home is what you make of it though, and even if it's so far away, knowing that you've a place there-you can't really ask for more.

Aside from spending half the time in a moving cage with five other people, we actually got to tour some cool places. Unfortunately I don't remember most of them, because most of them were in French. Also I had went on a frenzy for true Canadian franchise items, such as Chez Ashton, Tim Hortons, and poutine, which didn't have the beef gravy I was looking for.

Regardless of that, Canada in those parts isn't really much different from the States. Without getting into a big rant, I think it's partially due to all the global corporations trying to replicate the same experience across the world. A McDonalds looks and feels like a Mickie D's here. Clothing stores still have that elitist feel, and everywhere you can find tacky tourist items along with "hip rebellious slogans and graphics". However the case, folks still like fast food, clothing, entertainment, etc. We have those tastes embedded in us: the culture may be different but life finds its way all the same.

Nevertheless, the vacation is over and I'm back on the grind. Looking for work is indeed a full-time job. Luckily I'm my own boss for now, and it's been a relaxing time, but I dread this feeling once again...nothing is ever settled in this world.

Posted via email from Bloodscope Economics

pizza slice: Completed Crisis Intervention and Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes

I can't explain it, but on a certain day this week, one that was filled with coincidence and perfect timing, I was left with a sense of appreciation and unfortunately dread. The happenings through the day, albeit menial, proved once again why I need to keep refining and living my life for the better, even if it looks like I'm merely being a goofball.

Life has its ups and downs, and mine is no different. My ups come from the emotional and physical highs I get when learning something new, reading a new story, or hanging out with friends. Likewise, the downs are related to those things. In particular, the stagnation of any of those categories leads me to retreat into myself, because when the potential for growth is there but never accomplished, it feels like a waste-the fishing trip without the fish, the job without the paycheck.

On that same day of coincidence, a friend brought to my attention what I usually do in my current stage of life. It's a question I get all the time from folks who honestly don't know too much about me and what I do during this wonderful time of unemployment. The way it was framed though..."Beside church, what else do you do?"...it got to me. Maybe the question was asked because this friend wanted to know more about me, or simply was not aware of my life outside.  I thought about it and realized that I've fallen much into the middle ground of mediocrity?

What does this mean? Of the few things I typically do in my week, there is no extra oomph. Many of my interests I've conceded to not get better at, not joining an organization, leadership team, or even an informal support group. It may be because I don't want to become a snob; it may be because I don't know where these places are or how to get to them. I believe the real issue is actually the non-committed feeling. Not enough of my efforts come into having something that lasts-the contentment of day to day surprises and events seems satisfactory, however little or mundane they could be. As I run through my past, the only thing that even fits the definition of consistency, of dedication and fervor, is the time I spend in the church. I'm not sure what that means at this point, and I'm starting to question my intentions again for being there so much for so long.

Maybe today is my wake-up call. Maybe this is God's way of saying that I need to find something, and stick with it, but not only float along. This is the time to educate, to dedicate, perspire and inspire. Maybe that is my longing-something that is going to last.

Posted via email from Bloodscope Economics

the first flight

Today was about a whole bunch of nothing other than going to TWIGS. Because of that, more of this post will be more about two prevalent thoughts that crossed my mind today. One's about the South End and the other is about control.

The first item occurred when I was walking to Andy's place for TWIGS. On my way to Tremont St. from my place, I look at the cars on the street. There must be at least a million dollars worth of value, out on the curbs, packed bumper to bumper. Ranging everywhere from motorcycles and Vespas, to Beamers, Lexuses, luxury SUVs and other high-class sedans, I stopped and wondered how much wealth there really is in the South End.

Most of the money in this area is actually in personal wealth, which lies the problem. There is much Americanism in the mentality that what you work for and what you earn becomes yours. Folks plug in 40 and 50 hour work weeks to get the money, pay the bills, and have a little something for themselves to spend. As such, they use it for flashier clothing, faster cars, adorned households, and even clothing for dogs. I myself was not born into a wealthy family, but I learned the value of wise spending, and definitely the importance of investment.

What pains me the most is that most of the personal wealth spent is indeed only for the persons in question. If you spend money on a nice car, it only benefits a couple of people, like your immediate family. It does nothing for the community, and cannot be passed on easily. This custom of keeping the wealth within the families is not unlike the idea of certain royal families that were marrying each other during the times of Eugenics. Although I am not saying that this practice does not compare in severity, the general idea is an air of selfishness and a contempt for "lesser people".

That's not to say that one shouldn't spend their money in their own way. It's more to say, please be prudent and caring towards others, and implicitly, stop consuming conspicuously.

===================================================================================

Something else struck me tonight when we were in discussion and it had to deal with faith. Apparently, much of our prayer requests fall into three categories (RED) Relocation, Explanation, and Destination. Relocation is for moving away from our current situations and hardships to another more comfortable area. Explanation is seeking the answer to a question or perplexing problem. Destination is honing a focus or direction to or for an activity or attitude.

In all three of these categories, we are seeking stability and an element of control in our lives. We are looking for our lives to be manageable, and oftentimes it comes to a point where simply we either manage it ourselves or someone manages it for us.

There is a difference between control by our own hands, and having things controlled. The problem is that in practice, they look very different, and so too are our mentalities when they occur. One could see it in the example of cooking. By making your own meals, you run the risk of making mistakes, but you get the option of personalizing to your own tastes, and having a greater degree of control. When someone else makes your meal, you are depending on their expertise and effort to make it right. They may or may not take your input into consideration, and subsequently this may affect the final product. At any rate though, less work is for you.

Ironically, this is the reverse in prayer. Many of ask simply ask God to do things, and take care of the big issues one at a time, and then return back to our own lives. The problem is that prayer is not a one time stop and shop. It is supposed to be a growth, a building of relationship, a transformation of character. It is much better to let God take control of our prayer and our lives, rather than for us to take it for ourselves. That is not to say we sit on our butts like bumps on a log, but we take the emphasis away from ourselves.

===================================================================================

Right now, I think my prayer is being answered, and it's blowing my mind.

Posted via email from Bloodscope Economics

Macaroni and Cheese. 7-Eleven Iced Tea.

Today was about a whole bunch of nothing other than going to TWIGS. Because of that, more of this post will be more about two prevalent thoughts that crossed my mind today. One's about the South End and the other is about control.

The first item occurred when I was walking to Andy's place for TWIGS. On my way to Tremont St. from my place, I look at the cars on the street. There must be at least a million dollars worth of value, out on the curbs, packed bumper to bumper. Ranging everywhere from motorcycles and Vespas, to Beamers, Lexuses, luxury SUVs and other high-class sedans, I stopped and wondered how much wealth there really is in the South End.

Most of the money in this area is actually in personal wealth, which lies the problem. There is much Americanism in the mentality that what you work for and what you earn becomes yours. Folks plug in 40 and 50 hour work weeks to get the money, pay the bills, and have a little something for themselves to spend. As such, they use it for flashier clothing, faster cars, adorned households, and even clothing for dogs. I myself was not born into a wealthy family, but I learned the value of wise spending, and definitely the importance of investment.

What pains me the most is that most of the personal wealth spent is indeed only for the persons in question. If you spend money on a nice car, it only benefits a couple of people, like your immediate family. It does nothing for the community, and cannot be passed on easily. This custom of keeping the wealth within the families is not unlike the idea of certain royal families that were marrying each other during the times of Eugenics. Although I am not saying that this practice does not compare in severity, the general idea is an air of selfishness and a contempt for "lesser people".

That's not to say that one shouldn't spend their money in their own way. It's more to say, please be prudent and caring towards others, and implicitly, stop consuming conspicuously.

===================================================================================

Something else struck me tonight when we were in discussion and it had to deal with faith. Apparently, much of our prayer requests fall into three categories (RED) Relocation, Explanation, and Destination. Relocation is for moving away from our current situations and hardships to another more comfortable area. Explanation is seeking the answer to a question or perplexing problem. Destination is honing a focus or direction to or for an activity or attitude.

In all three of these categories, we are seeking stability and an element of control in our lives. We are looking for our lives to be manageable, and oftentimes it comes to a point where simply we either manage it ourselves or someone manages it for us.

There is a difference between control by our own hands, and having things controlled. The problem is that in practice, they look very different, and so too are our mentalities when they occur. One could see it in the example of cooking. By making your own meals, you run the risk of making mistakes, but you get the option of personalizing to your own tastes, and having a greater degree of control. When someone else makes your meal, you are depending on their expertise and effort to make it right. They may or may not take your input into consideration, and subsequently this may affect the final product. At any rate though, less work is for you.

Ironically, this is the reverse in prayer. Many of ask simply ask God to do things, and take care of the big issues one at a time, and then return back to our own lives. The problem is that prayer is not a one time stop and shop. It is supposed to be a growth, a building of relationship, a transformation of character. It is much better to let God take control of our prayer and our lives, rather than for us to take it for ourselves. That is not to say we sit on our butts like bumps on a log, but we take the emphasis away from ourselves.

===================================================================================

Right now, I think my prayer is being answered, and it's blowing my mind.

pizza, odd veggie calzones

As I go through this week, life's been taking an interesting turn. Aside from failing on the "get a proper jump rope quest", I've been spending more time networking with people, and looking for suitable work. Right now, still unemployed, and I'm reaching close to the 1.5 mark, but regaining confidence, and I guess that's probably the most important part of it, whether looking, getting the interview, and carrying forth.

For now, I am officially a mentor in my community for an 11th grader. Time has allowed me to reflect more upon myself, my alertness towards others, spiritual and physical growth, along with having fun. Eventually, I'll get to that coveted seat in that house, but for now, as long as people know I'm there for them, looking out for their best interests, I should be going places.

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At Crossroads yesterday, we talked about the Parable of the Pharisee and Tax Collector found in Luke 18:9-14. The pretext of the parable being Jesus warning of folks who have self-righteousness and look at others with contempt. These two people go to the temple and pray to God; the Pharisee gives thanks that he is not a sinner like these other folks, and proceeds to tell God of his many good deeds. The Tax Collector prays that God simply extend mercy to him for he is a sinner. At the end, the lesson to the parable is that whoever is prideful shall be humbled, but those who are humble shall be exalted.

We're constantly talking in church about our attitudes, and how those will truly define our actions. Something may look seedy on the outside, but if our intentions and desires are right, then God will let it pass. At first light, the parable seems simple enough to synthesize smoothly: don't be like the Pharisee, boasting about your deeds and thinking that you are righteous by yourself. Conversely, be like the Tax Collector-humble and understanding that grace alone saves, something that cannot be achieved merely by man or his works, no matter how good.

What struck me last night however was the thought that perhaps we as a people are misrepresenting the grandeur of God. Looking back to the Pharisee, we see that along with saying what he is not, he proclaims what he has done in the past: fasting and tithing. I believe in this way he has made two mistakes:

1) He is using his own deeds and comparing them to the standard of God, equalizing their worth. In this sense, he is saying that he can reach the level of God. In reality, we know this is not true, otherwise salvation and perfection is self-attainable.

or

2) He is lowering God's standard to something a bit less than what it actually is. To say that what the Pharisee has done is enough to be on level with God is to portray Him in a lower light.

Intentionally, I don't think we try to do that, but we do a lot of comparison and bargaining, at least initially when addressing God. We fall into the compulsion of using our past deeds to negotiate, or we use our present character in order to justify a good response, a desirable result of our own decision. It's tough; at the root of things, it's not what "we've done, but what He did."

It's not to say that we should stop trying, striving for good and bank on this one belief only. Rather, it's an encouragement to those who feel the world is crashing on them, that for those who are feeling down, undeserving of mercy, grace, protection and love...that there is one out there for them. Knowing this, it lifts much the burden of life; giving up your own in order to embrace it, instead of bringing the focus back to self.

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All I can really do now, is wait and see what develops, and that chances are given, actions not misconstrued, and that our hearts are true.

Bacon, Egg and Cheese Bagels + English Muffins

Humor comes from acceptable deviations of standard behavior. The line between offense and applause is a thinner one every coming day.

After being overaddicted to puzzle games again for the billionth time, I ended up with a sore body and tired brain at 11:30, which developed into a re-nap until 1. Yelling at my computer for about 5 hours while getting tense in my shoulders led to some pretty poor choices for meals today. TWIGS in the evening only further demonstrated that sleep is critical. Some conversations and a revelation of a new Mortal Kombat trailer prompted me to come back to base to take care of these matters. Right now, I'm probably more interested in how tomorrow's going to play itself out.

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Tonight at TWIGS, we talked about the parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector in Luke 18:9-14. In it, Jesus directs this message towards people who are enveloped in their own righteousness and who also show contempt towards others. There is also a lesson seen that in actuality the prideful Pharisee is humbled, while the humble Tax Collector is lifted high in the presence of God.

I left tonight feeling unsatisfied, because someone in our small group said that self-righteousness and looking down on your peers seems inevitable, symbiotically linked. This brought me to questions in my mind, "can someone be self-righteous and not end up being a jerk to their people?" can someone still be a jerk, and yet not be self-righteous?" The answer I received was that it depends on your attitude.

Yes, it does depend on your attitude for everything you do, whether punting a baby or eating vegan. I'm starting to feel that many of these discussions are centered around buzzwords that have become the end all of conversations, that we accept those answers and move on as if checking off entries on an agenda. The transformation of the heart and oneself-we understand that it is important to both persist and consistently act in a way pleasing to God and to others but have we lost the wonder, the grandeur of it all? It seems that we're not trying to challenge ourselves, but only achieving and accumulating answers like notches on a belt.

Blind acceptance, without having the negative connotation, does not sit well with me, especially when we're talking about something that is supposed to impact that way you live on such a large scale. This is why I opt to question even the simplest things. Yes, it will lead to some stumbling in words, maybe a little faulty logic, and some badly shaped hypotheticals, but dammit, as tired as my body is, as uninterested as I look, honestly, it's to figure out more of these mysteries in life. Life presented is not the same as life experienced. This wisdom given must be explained more so that it can be fully applied, developed, and cherished. Otherwise, we're stuck with mere words.

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Sometimes, the smartest play involves being dumb. Statistics work when all information is available to everyone, but discovered truths trump those numbers every time.

cereal and buns

The last couple days have been a blur, hanging out with various people. Every day since Friday, I was involved with food, and it was pretty fun.

Friday-I went to the Colonnade, invited by a guest. They had a nice albeit small pool on their coveted 11th floor, although their view left something to be desired, especially with 10 other buildings being able to look DOWN on the roof.

Saturday-Coolidge Corner has a Friendly's Express, meaning Free Scoop Day on the 5th was a go. Along with some high school friends, I got 2 cones, and then some Buy 1, Get 1 Free at J.P. Licks. No lie, J.P. Licks has the much better ice cream.

Sunday-Lunch was at Pearl Villa. Shrimp chips, flat noodles, beef, and crispy chicken were good choices, but still were too many vegetables. After losing my umbrella, there was some game time at church with old school Bomberman, Mario, Paperboy, and Chessmaster.

Probably what I really needed most was sleep, and with all these catnaps I'm taking, it needs to be a priority. In the upcoming month, I am looking for a challenge, a new project, a new hobby; learning to rap was only the tip of the iceberg. At the same time, I have to balance the whole running shenanigans; the stomach's getting wider every day.

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Today, we continued the talks in our series "Fundamentals of Sex" in Sunday School. Discussion questions of how leadership looks like in the workplace, church and home were put out there. From our group, we came to the general consensus that good leadership qualities carry across the board and are independent of setting (e.g, good listener, humble, has integrity, etc). We also concluded that the setting will influence how leaders may act due to different incentive structures, and because of that, the quality of the leader may be worse; climbing the corporate ladder has its own motivation, whereas being a small group leader or head of the household may exhibit a different showing of a leader.

While relaying that thought to the rest of the class, I realized midway that I was catching myself from offending some people. The recurrent issue of church leaders and how in BCEC there are no female pastors was brought up in the open discussion, and it got me thinking of 1) how sensitive is this issue to the women, and 2) how sensitive is this an issue to the church as a whole. My understanding of the whole matter is limited, but I grasp a couple of key concepts:

1) Some women take it hard because it feels like the church puts the end all of leadership in its place.
2) Some women are alright with the way the leadership element is presented, because they honestly feel that there is nothing wrong with the current model.
3) Some people do not know or attempt to know the matters concerning leadership and what the "proper model" should be in the church (I included in this boat).
4) There is a part in Scripture which I cannot find the reference now that says that men should be the leaders.

I am not going to personally comment on those 4 points, partially because I don't throw gasoline on fires, and my knowledge needs to be expanded more on this whole issue. What I am going to say is this: in these past weeks, I've found that my outlook on people isn't specifically gender based, that is to say, if a male waiter served me lunch or a female police officer gave me directions, I wouldn't attribute their actions to gender. Their actions don't need to account for gender.

At the same time, I'm not looking down on anyone or giving extra expectations to men or women when doing anything. I believe that anyone is capable of anything if they actually try (yes, there are biological actions that the genders can do, but that's not the point). Perhaps it's a fault of mine that recognizes and sees more to a person than mere physicality. At the same time though, I gripe, wondering if that's only me and my habit of oversimplification. "Now that nagging thought comes that I may be overthinking again :("

What I'm trying to say is while gender is albeit an unavoidable part in any area of life, it should not come into play so much in the larger picture. Having good relationships with your peers, being a leader, and conducting yourself in the right manner-a male is not inherently better than a female, and a female is not inherently better than a male. Everyone does things different, and many qualities of men and women, ones that seem internalized like aggression or listening, are not exclusive. Life is much more than being locked in by personality traits and physical limitations.

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My body works too fast for my mind. My mind works too fast for my body.

Pizza for Breakfast

I'm going to try a new format for this blog, although it'll be a minor change. It'll still be the same content, and nothing quite too strange.

So today, I spent most of the day recording my audio for Denice's scrapbook. It took a while, due to the fact that I was recording multiple times, trying to sync up some homemade beats, and writing the lyrics for a bit, all while learning to use Audacity for the first time ever. At the very end of the project, I ended up using music that I found hosted on the internet. The music had to be edited in order to fit the timing as well.

Lessons I learned from the whole experience:

1) The Flow Diagram is really important and is not to be underestimated.
2) Preparation is key, not only in keeping the area quiet and having all the proper equipment, but also being mentally and physically prepared.
3) You have to have fun with it, otherwise it becomes a chore.

Around me, music, Starcraft, Rock Band, and pizza were present. Today felt very short, but pretty relaxing.

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In my desire to turn over that same new leaf, I find myself regressing back to step one.

Consistency is going to be key, in order for me to get my vices to leave. I must appease the need without conceding, my own life, own soul, a fresh heart beating. My dreams are starting to come back as a reminder that one day, some day I'm going to find you, the house, car, whether Beamer or Benz, but to get this all started, we gotta be friends.

Right now I have to clear my mind and get my priorities straight, otherwise I fall into the trap of comfort, not knowing how much more grander life can really be. There's always a balance that I have to strike between family, friends, wealth, and society. Unfortunately, all sides tilt to left. My hope (which is not to say that I'm not actively trying to change) is more that I don't crash and burn.

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If following basketball has taught me anything, it's learning that the game is subject to societal forces. The purest form of the game is untainted by wealth, racism, power inequality.

breakfast bun filled with chocolate, 7-Eleven iced tea

got a sunburn at night. that's all i gotta say here.

woke up actually at the right time tday, even though i passed out from last night. headed out to Dorchester to help someone via Taskrabbit. quick job, and i think i met a new friend. took the train to Andrew station, dropped off some papers, then came back to base. pickin up the rap routine, gettin inspiration from everyone and everything. some lulz at Mass ave ensued when i was racially profiled, in the good way, which was kinda messed up.

but anyways, came back to base, slept fer a bit, then CR'd it. some odd discussions involving criminal systems, fair treatment, and what direction immigration should go. came back home, everyone was rantin bout how the celtics got screwed-i decided to not care, and spend time with friends instead.

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screw it, i dunno what to say here tnight, except once again, my life isn't as interestin as others. perhaps my role in life is to assist others to a better one.

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my guts left as you came at the scene. my heart grew soft, cause your eyes have that gleam. the fear versus fabled future, i'm caught in between. not a saint yet, but i'm becoming pristine.

life reject cereal, orange juice, How to Rap

as someone politely put it tnight, i do not do mainstream things; is this why i am an outsider?

woke up at 8 instead of 10 cause someone decided to unlock my door and check to see if i was sleepin. broke thru my alarm a bit and ended up wakin at 11. had some breakfast fer a bit, played some games, reviewed some emails. finished up the hip-hop book, and now lookin to start a piece.

to Andy's place fer TWIGS. cooled down a bit, reflected a lil bit about changing attitudes and reminders of what we need to pray fer. hung around fer a bit, played some Bang! and Rock Band, followed by sittin around the tables at Parish Cafe II. lots of lulz there, but thru stories rather than thru sights.

back to base, tryin to plan out tmr. seems like the afternoon's booked up fer a bit. hopin the night plays out right.

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by personal request from "Matt", whose blog you can check out at http://www.mattwong.posterous.com, i'm gonna muse about the night lady in tremont st. she and a few others you've prolly seen in the streets, lookin thru your trash, seeking cans and other goods that ppl have thrown out yet can be of some use to them.

(No lie, this stuff needs to flow into 16 bars)

Ma'am, i saw you when the lights shine low and when the winter breeze blows.
I've walked past many times, wonderin if your actions are mere crimes.
In those cold common confrontations, i've come to these simple summations.
Although some seem at first in haste, it don't mean i've ripped them from anyplace.

Perhaps it's all work, dirty as it be, so she can support her family.
Or maybe she's bored more than ever before, so she tips trash trying fer that one big score.
Or maybe she's smart, pounding pavement, pushing packages to set herself apart.
I admit, I hadn't tried too hard to read the realities of her heart.

Point being through it all, I can't judge, or make that judgment call.
But poverty and problems lie amongst us, no matter how big or small.
It can't hurt to halt, help, hold a hand and reach out.
To learn of hers or a new story, to really get that truth out.

So maybe next time, or next week, when i'm walkin down columbus or tremont street,
i'll act upon my words, do somin small, get her somin to eat.
And it'll be ok, whether she likes vegan, fish or meat.
She deserves to be happy and not feel like dreadful defeat.

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small talk isn't my forte, and i'm not sorry to say that things will be ok. but please don't go, c'mon and stay. see what surprises i've got fer you today.

Regular TKO from Chicken Lou's, Arizona sweet tea

what is poverty? are we in it now? or are we unaware? is it only relative to what everyone else has, or is there a cutoff line? what is the black and white? (and yes, i took into account that stupid poverty line but i'm not feelin it at all.

woke up late to grab some breakfast, so decided to make Chicken Lou's both breakfast and lunch combined. got the TKO, which i thought was only one type of sandwich, but apparently it differs in amount of sauce (the others being called the Heavyweight and Super Heavyweight). silly me, i got the wrong one. hung around at mugar quad eatin lunch, catchin up with people and watchin folks embarrass themselves through ultimate ninja. lulz to them all leavin their stuff unattended :)

was at Curry fer a bit, playin pool and such. ran into an ol high school friend who destroyed all of us at the table. headed to Andy's place to chill for a bit-Rock Band and Starcraft 2 all up in that monkey. walked back to base later in my Air Forces while watchin some kids play on construction materials and equipment.

had a dinner of cereal and Arizona Tropical mix, while playin some games and writin my Yelp! review for Cafe de Lulu. can check it out under Fat G. gettin back into the groove of things, but need to clean up later on. rough week ahead, full of nothin, some hopes, and maybe more exercise, given i don't get sick again.

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my obsession with wanting what no one else wants is crippling, to say the least. societal interactions hampered. hopefully this gets sorted out before i become 100% pariah, as opposed to the 80% i am now.

still, there's something special and somethin to be said for someone who's lookin for that somethin else different. somethin that's not wanted and praised over by society.

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(wonders what is the tipping point...what would really let you know that i love you?). maybe it's been goin down all wrong-a poem, a rhyme, a love song? or perhaps you gotta see that i can be strong and not hurtful all along.

sweet bread

if i said i love you now, i wouldn't know why, and neither would you.

woke up this mornin at 8:15, renapped, woke at 8:45, reslept and woke at 10:10 to head to church. snacked and chatted fer a bit before goin to sunday school. learned about differences in sexes. brought up and thought up some intriguing questions.

had lunch at cafe de lulu, a new place in chi-town. lulzfest and so-so food. chilled fer a bit at youth lounge while playing super nintendo. got my shoes from z, and more lulz by a different group of folk. went to royal palace fer some eats and drinks, and saw the secret hideout near the highway. some bball fer a bit, and then back to base.

rest of the night involving gaming, and some pretty interesting convos with folks bout sunday school. other recaps through the night and hearin some old music, recovered and remixed. tryin to plan out tmr, hopfly it doesn't make me any fatter than i aready am.

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the sunday school we talked about tday and carryin on to the next couple of weeks is about gender roles, sexes-the when, where, what, and why. my table, not gonna lie, wasn't real helpful with the whole differential thinking. lookin for various minds to open up, teach me something, show me somethin new.

the question i thought up, but ner got answered yet, was whether we have something innate that makes us male and female. not talking bout the obvious things like body parts, and not even things like our actions (whether something looks male or female), but rather is gender something deeper? is our spirit, our thoughts...can they be distinctive like that?

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can i start over again with you, if i try hard enough? or you let me show you a true love?

microwave bagel, mini chocochip muffins

i went to Hen House fer the first time tday, not knowing i pass by it a lot. so many things wrong with that place-like the beer rule and the double entendres on the counter.

woke up this mornin to escape my nightmares, and also beat out my alarm this morn again. sunlight is bad crack. cleaned up the room a bit, folded some laundry, took care of messages in the ebox. headed to Pea in a Pod to start off the day.

first started out with helping this woman move some furniture out of her place-they were awkwardly heavy, and i think i mighta hurt my back :sadface: but we got it done. dropped it off at goodwill. afterwards went to kirk's bday lunch at TGIF-general hilarity went down there, and lulz to follow.

went to a gig in cambridge to help assemble ikea furniture-learned a lot about why i dislike a certain company...but that's all here and there. got the last job done to help move a futon and then i was off to the desert tasting in Dorchester.

came back to base, broke, tired, but feelin good. need to get some sleep before i feel as bad as i do after that hen house meal.

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not in anythin now fer the money. they say all we're lookin for is compensation. in truth, i'd rather be broke, but have access to everything freely, rather than be the richest guy in the world and have as many ppl in my pocket as lint.

but some ppl don't realize that yet. and they better open their eyes quicker than later. wasted talent is the same as withholding it for "bigger things".

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doesn't matter what i know, or how i feel. what only matters is what's real. but that doesn't mean i can't sustain with or without you. my heart's got the largest flame, but the smallest candle is all.

cha siu baos, sparkling water

I think the National Federation for the Blind hates me. no further comment on that.

woke up this mornin to prep and get picked up fer the move in Georgetown to Haverhill. saw a lil more of massachusetts, and some cool things too, like those houses with the lawn bigger than your living room deal and driveway as large as a school bus. played with a dog fer a bit, helped some moving, and a lot of fast food franchises on the way back. stopped at Sonic in Peabody-food wasn't that great, but drinks-exactly what i was lookin fer.

came back to base to recharge phone, get some work done, and check messages, while touchin base with amanda. went to prudential to drop off some stuff and get back in the groove-playtime is not over, and it only gets funner when ppl don't know your style.

on the way back home, saw a guy who was bleedin from his knee. he refused my help, but at the same time thought that i was sarcastic-a shame, really. anyways, now at my comp, fb'ing, planning, prolly playing some games later, and deep in thought.

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not a fan of neutrality, at least in terms of costs. right now, feels like i'm runnin the gamut simply to keep myself alive. in a few weeks, i'm gonna restructure and get back with bein freelance. feelin kinda sad it has to go this way though, but it's becoming blatantly obvious what i must do.

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crazy love? crazy in love? love crazy? maybe i are, but she doesn't understand it quite yet. maybe the reasoning and the presentation is off, or maybe we're not on the same channel, wave frequency.

1/2 New York Market =(

enjoying singing again-but it's prolly due to the copious amounts of water i drink now :sadface:

woke up, having enough sleep. didn't eat a good breakfast for a while, and missed dinner last night, so was feelin not good. had meeting with a guy from the commonwealth seminar. he's pretty cool, and has some ideas to get off the ground-am prolly gonna help him out some.

got lost fer a bit in the car he was drivin, but made it to best buy. killed some time on rband, and some internets. headed out to royal palace to pick up dinner and then had some CR time. was arigh, got to talk bout truest love and how we show it to folks. hung out at shabu shabu after fer a bit, but wasn't really feelin the food.

came back to base, did some auditing on the spreadsheets fer otisburg. need to get prepped fer tmr for a couple of gigs. need to find some time this week to look for "a real job."

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tnight we talked about the sermon on sunday and went to figure out what is love and the expressions of it, and to whom we should show it to. the revelation today is that, yeah, the love should be shown to the most ungrateful and "undeserving" of folk, not simply to folks who are in need.

don't mean to confuse and confound, but yeah, sometimes somin that powerful is that difficult and that paradoxical. no hammurabi's code here-you show it, even if folks have blown it. time and time again, you deliver, even if folks don't send it back.

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you phased me out, and i can do that for you too. the new challenge now is to not figure it out with the person next to you.

sweet bread, nantucket nectars-grapeade

these cuts on me, the blood i bleed, the tiredness i feel...perhaps i should go to the doc soon

woke up early enough to get to the meeting at borders with caleb. talked about more logistic stuff and more site design. ran an errand soon after where we headed to FedExKinkos in Harvard Square to pick up a banner fer TaskRabbit. helped them set up fer the launch party yday, learned about the word "grommet" and got to chat with a couple of folks at the party. wish i coulda stuck around more but...

got picked up by tom to go to phil's place to meetup fer dinner. caesar salad, spaghetti with italian sausage, seared salmon, and sweet iced tea-not bad. drove like a bat outta hell to the WorldVision exhibit in Hopkinton to learn about AIDS. experience-was arigh, pretty chilling at some parts, but mostly the whole thing made me feel uncomfortable on multiple levels.

unintended lulz when i was there:

seein that nurse in the exhibit-didn't expect to see any ppl there, got freaked out.
hand sanitizer after the exhibit-you can't cleanse yourself of what you learned or saw, nor can you sanitize yourself from AIDS.

andrew led us on a winding path to a Dunkin Donuts in Framingham, some folks didn't attend cause they were "lost". nice talks about the exhibit before headin back to base. took some orders while catchin up on emails. needin to prepare fer the next days, and to get some training done, even though my body's crap right now...

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if anyone has been watching my Facebook posts, you've seen that i was in a lil flurry of anger last night, due to what transpired after the exhibit. a small lil thing like reminders of folks saying Africa is so impoverished, so afflicted by malady... yes that may be the case, but it's not the ONLY place hit in the world. and yet for some reason, we divert all our pity and 2nd class citizenism towards it, whether intentionally or not.

there are other spots in the world that need help, and i'm not saying this to lessen the severity of the problems affecting Africa, but it comes to a point where you ask yourself, "are you really helping folks because you feel guilty about it, or is it a genuine call to arms to help another human being, regardless if they were hurting?" we spoke of something in how we treat these folks like outcasts, but a point made in the exhibit is that anyone with HIV/AIDS can look like anyone and look perfectly healthy; they don't have to be malnourished or frail-looking.

at the same time though, one of the problems is that there is a shunning, a social stigma involved with having or being associated with those diseases. wonder if folks could someday look at a person and care fer them first without havin to use something else as a reference point for them. "hello, this is my friend John-he has AIDS". what you should hear and note first is that this is first and foremost a friend. so what if he has AIDS? you didn't become their friend BECAUSE they had this something-you were there first, and then you learned of this, and you were still there. that's that trueness that this world ought to be lookin for.

leavin the exhibit, WorldVision encouraged folks to sponsor a child, and i gave an honest answer, that i wouldn't do it at this time fer many reasons (in no particular order)

-financial (not enough funds right now i got)

-improper method? (anyone can really donate to a kid somwhere in some far land, but i feel that if i'm really gonna help this kid, that i should be doin more than simply 3rd partying-direct involvement is what i want)

-wanting of a stronger relationship (if and when i would meet this kid, i don't want to say, "oh i met you because a social welfare group told me about your story." these folks are not charity cases-they are people.)

-not moved by guilt (if i were to do this, i'd want to it to have freeflowed thought from myself, instead of having some exhibit urging me to do so. it's nice they encouraged it, but it's not true if someone else prodded me on instead of myself wanting to really help)

but yeah, that's my 2 cents about it. i need to understand more about my world tday.

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in the same way that a lot of things don't impress me, i too am not impressive to you. ah well, i gotta keep on my grind fer now. if you wanna quicken your pace in life, or wanna stop and smell the flowers, it don't matter, cause i'll always be here if you wanna find me. it's only a matter if you are WANTING to.

let's stuff 2 days into a post

that sleeping in anger from las night is REALLY helpin me get feel the need to get to bed much earlier.

saturday:
woke up to a chilly mornin. headed out to the hatch shell to help shoot a video fer Taskrabbit.com-am also participatin in the relay fer charity on marathon monday. dunno if i can pull 4 miles, but the will to succeed is there. had lunch at papa razzi, shoulda got the new york sirloin instead of the farfalle salmone...

darted to quincy center to meet Tackey Chan at his kickoff campaign announcement fer state rep. found out i was too late, but ran into him and his family as they were comin back from dunkin' donuts. got to talk about political issues, involvement and a battle plan fer the upcoming election.

came back to base, played some games. got angry so decided to sleep off a hot head. ended up wakin at 2, and replayed until 5. so ended the night.

sunday:
a quick nap where ended up wakin at 8, and not brushin my teeth, due to the quick drop. had congee fer breakfast and felt pretty satisfied. service and sunday school were arigh, cept was seein some sadness develop in front of me, but it's not my role anymore to change it. recruited some help for the upcoming movies, so keep an eye out.

go to c-town fer lunch cause royal palace dropped the ball in terms of serving ppl effectively. got a pork dish which made me, as a great thinker once said, "feel like a fatty". played some games fer a bit in the youth lounge, while messin around with sleepin people. definitely shoulda pasted something on stanley's face...

back to base, decided to start the relay training. was gettin into a progressive groove, and then i bottomed out by forgetting to drink water. returned back, showered, and then trained on the steps inside the building-(gettin winded from the stairs is prolly a bad thing...) looked some random wiki articles including the poland incident, animal rights, and tips on how to be a better runner. fallin asleep, so optin to rest up fer tmr to a whole buncha nothin...need to secure business deals quick, cause fallin deeper into debt.

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2 types of selfishness that fall into extremes. one is the classic "it's all me, me, me!" deal where everythin revolves around one person. pretty self-explanatory. the other is the one that i'm fallin into now, and lookin fer a way out. it's "i don't care bout me at all, and rather, let's fulfill other folks' stuff first."

why is that bad? think it falls into the category of tryin to heap false humility upon myself. or even so, it borders around reckless behavior. guess my tolerance for action is pretty high, but it shouldn't come to the point where it's the only craving, the only thing on the mind. after all, even the smallest of animals and the greatest of kingdoms feel a need fer self-preservation...the health of it all

seeing now that both extremes dehumanize the person in question. the former example turns the person into an entity which is only self-serving and consumes only for oneself. the other is simply a robot, mindlessly carrying out commands that users input into it. no thinking involved, no feeling...only the sense of "it must be done, regardless". this is my own challenge-to not become that professional that i once sought to be. folks don't need taskmasters-they need humans, they need company, they need friends.

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think from now on i'm prolly gonna speak a lil more, due to the fact i feel i'm fading too hard, at least by accident now, as opposed to when i looked to be the ghost of my fantasies. it's arigh either way i guess-either i stay fresh and impartial, or become immersed into the fabrics. we'll see how it works out next week.

items from the commonwealth seminar provided by the haley house

rain doesn't make me sad-it's the part where i get soggy that's a prolem.

woke up this morn to get to the seminar, got lost but bumped into a classmate to find the place. was zonin out all mornin, but got the message about immigrant reform and those issues with naturalization. been hearin that a lot of folks need to be represented, which is becomin a common recurrent theme fer this week. on the flip side, stockpiled a whole bunch of nantucket nectars...

came back to base, gamed fer a bit. decided to run an errand, and it prolly wasn't the best day of days to do so. completed it, but not heard back from the sender yet, nor have any payments gone through. still needin to fig out this whole system. along with that, plannin fer what to do tmr. schedule's written already-it's the flow of the day that's gon make or break.

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there are 2 things we hear-sound and noise. sound is the essence of being-the wave that defines us, unique and essential for our recognition. noise is the extraneous addition into the environment. for what reasons they are emitted are our own.

lately i've been hearing a bunch of noise, mainly from the folks around. hasn't seemed like progression has been building up, but it's mostly from this sagely perspective i have, at least in terms of society.

even now, the radio that plays in my room...it brings entertainment to a point, and then it starts to become more of a filler, something for the sake of my own ears, and not fer my mind. the silence is fine, but fer some reason, i can't want it right now...

the insides are wrestling each other again, and this instability only takes a toll on the frame that holds them both :( something needs to be satisfied, soon, lest some destruction come into play.

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you, yes you, you've got me all wrong. it's not a shot at you, but it's that you haven't tried to seek what's right about me...the most disturbing part, is that you're slowly and surely becoming that evil that you once hated. you are the antagonist of animal farm, you are the self-fulfilling prophecy. ppl are too nice to say that to you, and i admit, i prolly fell fer it too. but i know it's happenin, and i don't want that, even if, even if i'm not supposed to care. only doin my job...

bad cornflakes, sparkling water

perhaps now, is the time to start caring, and maybe to do things as duties instead.

prolly gon skip all the stuff i did tday. most of it seemed pretty uneventful. headed to a runner rally and gained some more info. headed to the portrait of a childhood thing at harvard, and felt like i was at at one of those jonestown brainwashings. came back to base, and back to yelling at ppl over the internets.

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folks who really wanna know, will really want to know. simple as that, if they're not lookin, they won't see it, or get it.

my world's blanker than it looks.

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sigh...they only want what they want.

chicken slices, eggs, sparkling water

the best thing i did tday was not be myself and channel someone and something greater than i can or could ever be

bad episodes and dreams led me to wake up much earlier than the alarm of 9:30. odd goosebumps dreams where a witch made tarantulas and split our bodies into cat and owner woke me to 6:30. also the sunlight didn't help either...

some gaming all thru the day, while trolling around fb and checkin the runner feed fer some tasks. made the mistake of misreading the evite, so took an unnecessary trip to lechmere. need to work on lefty guitar.

headed to CR early, where i set up and toyed with the piano fer a bit. feelin really tired and hungry, but gracefully a meal provided-will have to "reciprocate" later on.

night dragged on fer a while, oddly due to lack of ppl in sg. long discussion about many things, which will be somwhat covered in the reflective section of this post.

walked back to base, helpin a friend along the way. gettin updates on what's goin on fer tmr, and at least fer me, i gotta get more sleep, otherwise a big crash an burn.

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so tday one of the key issues that we talked bout was the stance that the church takes fer certain items. one is the idea of gay marriage, or "civil unions" if you wanna be PC about it. as i write, i got my own personal thoughts and experiences about this, but this is less bout me and more about the whole of elements that we touched upon today.

in america, even this one issue falls into the purview of so many uh, -al words. here's a few of them

philosophical
ethical
moral
religious..
social
economical
political
physical
emotional
legal

(sh*t, did i miss any? prolly did, but you're gettin where this goin...)

point is, i guess by approaching the issue, you have to deal with the sub-issues as well, and at this point, ppl are not down fer compromise-viewpoints are very staunch.

from my life right now, i know that folks are goin thru a lot in terms of their own desires, wants, representations, and the search for personal freedoms. america's got a great reputation for giving freedoms, but also taking them away too. eventually one view will overshadow or dominate the other.

as a Christian right now, i'm also needing to reconcile my own feelings towards denial and perhaps being shelled in. tryin to understand, empathize and make things right before hitting the big stage.

if i learned anythin tonight, it's that folks shouldn't need to feel their lives and lifestyles are threatened and that being welcome without having labels put among us or leading others to stereotype and shut out...we need to love folks first.

but things have to be clarified. as a society, we're kinda assertion heavy and not explanation heavy. "free cell phone! (with signing of 2 year contract)". this is the kind of people we are, only presenting the "main points" but not allowing the read between the lines.

today, yesterday, and tomorrow, we fight forth. granted, our talks will be a bit longer, but you'll have those question on your heart answered and feel genuinely satisfied. and if not, then we, as a people, need to be able to sit down and sift this out correctly.

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flossing to some ppl is like clothing-optional.
flossing to some ppl is like clothing-for protection.
flossing to some ppl is like clothing-for aesthetic reasons.
flossing to some ppl is like clothing-cause other people do it too.

corn flakes baby!...and sparkling water

tired a lot, physically, mentally, and somewhat psychicly

left the drapes open this mornin by accident, so beat my alarm by 2 hours. rewoke again when the time was right, and headed to Flour Bakery on washington st for my first errand of the day. went there thinkin it's a small joint and be pretty quick...boy was i wrong.

transported by MBTA to central to deliver the food. things felt a lil rocky but got a good review fer it. before i got to the bus, was treated to the sight of a dog crappin on city lawn, and an old guy right behind to pick it up. changed my track a lil bit as i headed to my next errand, stopped off at best buy instead. saw the iPad, tested it a bit, came to the conclusion not worth my money. "fixed" the rock band controller at the kiosk as well-still can't play rascal flats well yet.

waited some more fer the bus instead of walkin, cause still hadn't eaten lunch by then. got to see all the AB folks comin from Hynes Convention Center, and uh..i felt my eyes bleed inside. some girls gotta be modest, while other girls gotta shape themselves up.

finally made it to my second errand, which took much longer than expected. the guy was really nice though, and also got to advert the site around the neighborhood some while enjoyin the outside. saw a neighborhood easter celebration-the dj needs to know how to volume control better...

came back to base finally. played some games and was hopin to hang out tnight. instead, ran my own errands of laundry and toothpaste. gaming right now, and preppin fer tmr's easter madness. wanted to prank some folks, but i'll save that fer when A Fool's Day falls on Easter :)

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perhaps the most prevailing thought on my mind is what the future of my actions now will bring. am i building anything up, or is it only self-preservation? am i freely acting? or am i exercising the only options available right now? right now, i'm tryin to get up there in my organizations to create my own changes, not fer my own sake, but fer the folks out there who need it more.

sad i are a lil bit, but nothin a lil nap won't cure. that and some lovin, by an ice cream cake.

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"to my old folks out there, i know how you feel. to my young ones, i was there before. to the ones who haven't had a chance yet, i am grateful that i can be to represent you" were the words of Jesus

corn flakes in a bucket, Plato and a Platypus-Ethics

why do i feel accomplished? simply because someone else set a pinnacle, and i'm ever so close to reaching it? would i have wanted it, if someone else didn't want it in the first place?

broken sleep tday so woke before the alarm. did some back in the day buffet before checkin emails and runnin another errand. was on the go but finished breakfast beforehand.

gettin there wasn't so bad-ken's noodle house at the 88 in allston. took care of those orders and trekked to medford, while bein able to plug the business some to this elderly indian woman who recommended a restraunt in harvard square. gon go check it out sometime or other.

after makin the delivery count, headed back to base. saw some odd faces, like this old lady who looked like one of those grand tiki statues, and another person from twigs, whom i happened to catch at the right time. took care of some packages and stuff at base before headin to the beta test for RunMyErrand's new site.

they had pizza, wings and beer; i had pizza, wings, and water. the site still needs to go thru some aesthetic changes, but other than that, it seems ok. met the folks and the higher ups who upkeep the site-they're typical folks is all, pretty down to earth, and all familiar with the word douche, seein how it comes up in conversation like so.

once more back to base, caught up with some folks. gamed fer a bit, and takin some good advice. kinda busy weekend ahead, and i wanna make some money thru all of it, but...there are bigger plans at work.

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so as i was goin to the meetin at RME, i went thru my city. found out that Barack Obama was comin to town, apparently fer a DNC fundraiser.

good job-the man's gotta keep up appearances and be loyal to his party. created a lot of gridlock downtown, and folks were comin to see him later at night as i was tryin to catch the bus. they were treatin him more like royalty and celebrity, rather than presidency.

thoughts came to me-is this what bein at the top is? acquired status? rubbin elbows with the higher ups? parties and fundraisers? it's prolly not-musta been a bad day, bad timing is all. but everythin happens fer a purpose. we'll see how this all plays out years from now.

if (and it's a big if), Mr. Obama, you're reading this, lemme request a call to humility, to come down to folks at my level, ones who are facin that crappy hardship called unemployment and destitution, but have great motivation, vigor, and a hope that the nation can carry forth, if indeed we implement true change, rather than play and tinker with the forces that are dominant now. my dream, one day, to serve the people while being with the people...Rudyard Kipling's "If" (If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings—nor lose the common touch)...to one day reach the position you're at, and to serve it well with a legacy of wisdom, frugality, and empathy-that is my hope.

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what is love? it's not a sandwich, tv show, animal, or even a feeling. ok, maybe it's a feeling, but love is truth. hope you're out there hearin this, so that we can try this again, at least in my mind.

corn flakes on a train

men can influence us to act. some men can get us to think differently. even fewer can affect the ways we should feel. but who in your life can captivate you so hard that it changes the way you live? Easter's in a few... have a good one, J.C.

woke up this mornin prematurely, ended up oversleepin the alarm that i accidentally shut off. caught up on early emails and such, and saw an errand that i could actually run so headed out after preppin and gatherin the right materials.

took a trip that brought me to somerville to pick up an envelope, and deliver it to NEU, or "home field" as i like to call it. got lost fer a lil bit, but met up some new and old familiar faces fer a bit. after successfully runnin the errand, headed to best buy to unwind in victory.

guitar wasn't workin, the "bass" guitar's strum was broke, and the chair fer the drum was taken by a guy who was playing MLB 2010. (really yo, that game doesn't require you to sit at all-even IRL baseball is majority standing, unless you suck). headed to pru instead to see if folks were there. played some stupid things and learned bout other decks and tricks before headin out to CR.

CR tnight was kinda wack. came early and folks weren't there; everyone was out of their natural rhythm, and there was corn syrup ervywhere. fortunately though, got a lot of things to think about, mostly the part of how to be a fundamental Christian.

walked back to base, catchin up with a friend. some packages came in the mail, took care of them. some msgs that i couldn't respond to. long weekend ahead, starting with tryin to knock off my bonus in the games, followed by a beta testing, state house meeting, and Easter things to be done. hopfly this sickness goes away before.

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congee should not resemble soup. 'nuff said. should tell you all you need to know bout me, from a food critic stance.

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why do folks see more of the hatred in my heart than the love? it's there too, but i guess it's not as powerful or having the ability to move others as much as it can and prolly should. (wish my love was "offensive")

corn flakes, orange juice, tap water

is advertising really the make or break of a good business, idea, relationship? if this is the case, i need myself a pr rep.

woke up this mornin feelin kinda good from the supposed crack nap fer sleep. ripped my bedsheet, dunno how, musta been an angry dream. played games fer a bit while checkin out some job listings by TSA. not lookin to work with dogs, or anything weighin over 70 lbs. took in some orders before headin out to the galleria fer the runner rally.

was arigh there-pretty lowkey, only a few folks came in. got to knock down some questions, get some input, and perhaps breathe a second wind in my sails. went to their best buy as well, and jammed on some beatles rockband fer a bit (and i realize that i now hate the beatles, or at least the persons responsible fer the soundtrack)

back to base, took care of some emails, read some articles about responsibility and other articles about humor. wantin to get back in shape right now, but still sick and don't wanna oerload fer a bit. in a couple days, be back on my feet, ready to tackle my world by doin nothin :)

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inspiration comes from good ideas and thinkers, and folks who simply aren't afraid to speak their minds. the rudest, most uneducated individual, and the proverbial pompous jackbutt...well, they can both teach us things and open new windows, new gates to explore and to get in trouble in.

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(wonder what i'm gonna do with my TV once this lent season is over. cause right now i don't really need it....perhaps someone can take it off my hands.)

corn flakes, sparkling water

my friend stacks caiuses on his diamond dude effects, has led to many lulz

woke up, bad cough, sore throat. called ppl regarding hanging out tday, and folks were busy, not there, or not havin it. gamed fer a bit-am laying back, cause i'm actin delirious, and playin terrible. headed out to meadow glen mall to run some errands.

sold off some of the video game stuff. picked up my gift card, and looked around fer a place to spend it in, but nothin appealin, and also fer the fact i don't need "more materials" in my house.

fun stuff at the mall:
================================

-easter decorations
-a woman manikin with a sloppily placed easter bunny suit on it
-a person dressed as an easter bunny takin pictures with kids, who were punchin it. looked like a corpse at first, cause it wasn't moving...
-thread therapy/beauty acts.
-bunch of old italian dudes playing a game. one looked almost exactly like super mario, while the others were kinda stereotypish lookin. (not sayin that in a bad way, but it was the idea, personified)

on the way back to base (instead of best buy for rock band, cause still tired, sick and have things to do), i come to the revelation of what my future wife would look like to me: in the end, it doesn't matter if she looks like a train wreck, cause i'mma still love her. beauty is only aesthetic preference to our minds. (however, if she decides to have a sex change, i'm out)

at base, ate some dinner, while asking questions to my colleagues about girl stuff, and the world around me. optin to take care of a bit more finances later on this week, after i get rid of this sickness. where is michael jackson's hyperbaric chamber when i need it?

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a thought hit me when i came off the bus tday. we are suckers fer technology, and i wonder why. we've been usin it fer so long, and perhaps we are coming to the point where if they all suddenly stopped working, or even worse, ran amok, we'd go "what do we do now?" don't get me wrong, technology has great use, and has done so much for ppl. but let's consider some of the typical technological marvels we have and typically use today:

apple and its related products in the music industry, such as the iPod, iTouch, etc has made entertainment portable, easy to access, and easy to buy as well as build and toy around with. great and all for personal entertainment, and even sharing with friends. but as i walk through boston common, or sit on the train, folks don't wanna communicate-they wanna be left alone. stimes they don't even notice the world around them with their earbuds jacked in. our own implicit form of isolation-same goes for cell phones.

personal computers have been faster, stronger, being able to hold, process data, organize many things, streamline us ideas and information on the internet, able to create many works of art. however, another isolationist tool. every one computer out there, unshared, owned, personalized, but guarded, and out of reach. even worse, as we use these tools, in our homes, in our workplaces...who's really using who here?

tv-broadcaster of entertainment since the death of the Golden Age of film. much like a gun, great in the right hands, deadly if not. folks glued to the couch, watching crappy sitcoms and other shows. a double shot to us, because not only are we harmed by its content, but also by the time wasting element. same for video games, and i partially know firsthand and from secondhand accounts.

the whole of our technology, without even realizing it, is that we're wiping out the face of humanity ever so slowly. one day it might be even that we become so comfortable with our lives, that we don't need other humans to function, sustain, or entertain ourselves; we'll get all our knowledge, enjoyment, our "life" from machines. this is what we must avoid-to not let us become the pet of the machines that we created so much to help us, that instead, they become the master technician.

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(wonders if this'll ever get to you in time...yknow, before i either get old and grey, or you fall off a cliff. )

shredded wheat, corn flakes, pepsi

earn my respect, and the world will be given to you. curse my name, and may you wallow in your own misery. simple motto to live by.

woke up this mornin, optin for a refreshin day, since i got more than enough sleep-throat still scratchy and dry. played some games fer a bit, and got into a little war with a guy, which i ended up winnin, purely by curiosity. headed out to ming's market to grab lunch, then to meet up allen at prudential.

some gaming convention is in town, so a lot of folks were at the prudential center. some guy went up to one of my acquaintances and asked him if he wanted to link pokewalkers together; i thought it seemed too much like gay bathhouse cruising. stuck round fer a bit, played some games and took care of some finances before headin to best buy to unwind.

gamed fer a bit, still need to work on hammer-offs more effectively, and also the rapid succession in the drums. ended up teachin a stranger how to play drums and guitar from very easy to the medium difficulty. left when i "needed to go"

back to base, makin dinner. gettin into scuffles with the wack person at home. simply i think she's gonna be forever unjoyful-the proverbial yin to my yang, in terms of emotion and hope. needin to figure out plans fer tmr, and hopefully there's no return of this abrupt winter.

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i... don't know how to take of kids that well. in my experience, i've worked with folks of many ages. wee ones of 5 and 6, to 3rd and 4th graders, to 6-8th, and older. what i do, i don't treat them as smaller, inferior, or less wiser. pretty much, they're the same as us old folks, cept a lil more..naive maybe?

tnight i was reminded of such when 3 separate age groups were tryin to play rock band. this lil kid was mindlessly bangin the drums. an older kid was hittin the drums, better than the other kid, cause he had a bit of rhythm but he was also a lil resilient to change. finally this other person, i was able to teach guitar and drums by changin their technique. it was pretty cool.

point is, i myself have got to learn how to change my own technique in dealing with folks. no "one size fits all" method can work fer people. guess i'm projectin too many of my own ideals, hopes and dreams onto others in my vision of what could be a better world onto folks, and... i guess all aren't ready or willin fer it at this point in their lives. maybe some day the right persons will understand my "method of madness", my lazy lunacy.

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not gonna resign myself to this fate of americanism. i love this land, and i love my people, but we've lost sight of what we really should be fighting for, some time ago....america, you gotta help yourself, before you go colonizing other lands again.

shrreded wheats, non fructose corn syrup orange juice

being suck sicks. wait, lemme try that again...

in the magical world of sleep, i wake at my normal time. (which blows cause i was actually supposed to be at the state house this morning). played some games fer a bit, entertained allen while progressing in another game. still kinda broke, but a lil hopeful now that more "work" has come thru.

plowed through my readings pretty quick. also a quick wiki journey through world war 1 and 2 flying techniques, the history of tanks, some educational articles about cursing and a homosexual China. gettin really frustrated with what's goin down at home; the most toxic threat towards the welfare of this place is the person who actually lives in it.

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tnight i learned from the Bible a lil more bout God. in particular, it's that he has a sense of humor. dunno if it's crass, but the things that popped out were certainly blatant. guess it's in my best interest to see humor for how it presents itself best-naturally, not forced or set up, and also to parallel that need for independence in other aspects of my life.

some things gotta be said though, but you know it's from the heart, my true heart, and not the one that folks only want to hear or see or feel.

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think i'm done, in terms of waiting and wanting. you shrug me off, you don't give a man a second chance. your stuff is intentionally curt, and it throws me for a loop. either you don't know, or you don't care and frankly, yeah... i'm at a loss fer words.

huge shredded wheats, orange juice

this cough is gonna get me in trouble. stupid seasonal bronchitis.

woke up feelin drowsy from last night. no weird dreams tday, but had a vision holding pocket jacks in early position. did the breakfast thing, spilt stuff all over the place, wheat pieces and oj everywhere. back in the day buffet wasn't that cool. did some gamin fer a bit, and now really startin to fall into my groove. filled a couple orders, and had some homemade dinner that i could put my stamp of approval on. did some wiki'n about old music stars, and fun songs, such as Chuck Berry's "My Ding-A-Ling".

headed out to CR, was able to break in some reading, help out folks, and kinda delve into other peoples' work life. tried somethin new tday that dunno, felt awkward at first, but hopefully it becomes more normal as such. it's so weird when we sang a praise song last week how folks would stand up for God, yet ironically most ppl were sitting....

discussion was aright. talked about what our devotions were, perhaps what's holdin us back, and also situations where we've both seen, needed, avoided, and embraced what remains true to us. great piece of wisdom drew from that is that devotion and commitment are not one and the same; i can be committed to my work, but not devoted, and the other way round.

came back to base, almost did somethin really stupid on the way back, but i guess thankfully those words didn't come out. after all, there's a first fer everything, simply though i'm not sure that person would be the first. makin some reheats on dinner, and hopin to sleep early tnight, so at the very least can heal up fer next couple days. feelin flabbish without any type of exercise.

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tday sam ng was in our CR small group; he said he was visiting. as long as i've known sam, i know what kinda guy he is. folks have his opinions on him. i do too, but that's another entry in another time. what's consistent about him though is that he always is a source of knowledge, or at the very least, intriguing things will be said by him.

tnight, he struck a mental chord in my mind with this phrase "devotion doesn't necessarily need love in it", or rather devotion and love wouldn't be one in the same. he said that from webster's dictionary, that there is no mention of the word love, or even the notion. so i sought out to find more information, and learn something, whether by truth or refuting.

the dictionary apparently makes a differentiation between devotion and devote. in the devote it mentioned a giving of resources, whereas devotion is more of the context of religious pursuit. they did mention however that it has to be an earnest giving and that it also tends to go in one particular direction. makes sense enough so far.

let's however take a crack at what is the most universal example of love, the desire fer the spouse, your soul mate, "the one". put yourself in a situation-what would you do to sustain, to have, to cherish and to keep this love goin? you'd put your all into it-time, resources, emotion, money, your being. is that not devoting yourself there? if i weren't devoted to my girl, would she think i loved her?

reverse it a bit, and let's see somethin that i devote my stuff to. time is our greatest asset, one of the few things we can control and choose how to direct in and out of our lives. my time right now, i place it in few things-books, my games, my people, my dreams, my God. do i love them? well, in certain places, they've given me heartbreak, disappointment, frustration, rage, and unfulfillment at least in a physical sense. but God, do i love them. why would i "waste" my time, doing something i didn't like, let alone, didn't love?

i suppose i could be devoted to something, such as an ideal, and not love it. could be pride, power, the american dream. feels narciscistic though, and only meant to sustain self through reciprocation. if these things get me another thing, such as security, recognition, peace, then, i will go for them, otherwise i will not pursue them when they burn me. that would be your devotion, witout love.

devotion-no matter how big the cost, how foolish it looks or seems, it feels right cause simply, it is right.

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tnight feelin alone still matters. but it's only the body that's got me down-f'my mind's connected to other folks, then we've beaten the forces that were out to stop us.