2 dinner rolls, 2 baby ruths

i write in the night with the lights on, so that i know for sure when my fears are gone. not tonight tomorrow yesterday but when, until my hopes, my dreams are alive again. (another bad shot at entering the hip-hop scene, will get better at it soon enough)

woke up early to prep and go to an interview at drydock for a supervisor position. tanked it, a lil disappointed but a lil humbled as well. back to base, some reading and music, some tasks involving student loans, and replanning the rest of the day.

headed out to prudential, no one was there, so headed to best buy to jam out on lego rock band. came back, traded fer a bit, reconnected with some folks i haven't seen in a while. collected my debts, talked to some local shaw's strikers, then back to base fer quick dinner.

headed out to CR early to tinker with the piano and do other things, but the music team was downstairs, so treated myself to an amateur concert. ran thru the rest of the night talking about perceptions of Christianity, and how our experiences have shaped or devoided us of our dreams.

after CR, went to Kaze Shabu Shabu with some small group members. pretty much sat thru it, avoiding television, watchin the drunk guy on our right, and learnin both more about humanity and my people. as it runs thru my head, the vast amount of conversation that was spoken compares little to what runs on in my mind.

walked back to base, nothin out of the ordinary. maybe feelin a lil gassy from the squid-nothin wrong with that. meditatin bout how to conduct myself for the next couple days without going broke or overexhausted.

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my dream, i've set in stone. i know the idea of what i want to do, but i don't know what position i want to have in order to do it. in my mind, i know i want to be on top, in the limelight, in order to bring change. prolem is i see myself, receding into myself when there are only a few players left. in the sea of anonymity, i will rise with a voice and a distinction, but when the opponents are few and familiar, i crack.

to know how to beat this, i've been listening to folks a lot more. and what they're telling me, is what i know, and more of the same in a good way. reinforcing and reminding me what i've been looking for my life, and also what matters to others, what i should be fighting for.

i take a look at my life and realize it's not very interesting, and that the flavor of my life comes from the stories, the mishaps, the colorful surroundings and the nuggets of gold i can extract from it. a big picture guy if you may, but shrouded in secrecy.

i dream of something big, something massive, something that'll simply utilize the status quo and make something of life proper. there's only a couple things that are in the way. one is folks who won't go as far as they say they will or ought to, and the other is the lack of hope from even the closest of confidants. this is my pain, my bearing, my load to carry. in this aspect, i need to be of a superman.

tonight was not my center stage, nor in any remembrance will it ever. perhaps every night is not a right night. but, every night can be a better night, and if that's what it takes to get there, then walking through the blizzard i will.

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the skill of obtaining understanding in the world, an obsession, a craving to me, but am starting to see that having this understanding is scaring folks away because it presents itself as something else entirely. need igniters of truth, folks who are wanting to go the true extra mile.