The only way science is trumped is by the fellowship of civil humanity."
-Chodexs

on the bus back from NY

Sigh. I got so many thoughts runnin thru my head as usual. Everytime somethin like this happens, I find it easier to deal with by explicating the truths before me. Gives me a solid state of ground to work with.

Anyways, I am done. With school, that is. Barring I don't fail any classes, you can say that I am a college graduate. Wooters! (No, that sounds lame) but it's important that I am past this point in my life, considering some of the ppl I know didn't go that far.

(Mmmm...that scent is still around me now..)

Comin to college, I didn't really plan anything out. I figured that wherever I went, I would get an education, be ok with it, get a job, family, and be done with it. Clearly that is not the case.

Fer me, I came to la salle in order to satisfy my personal agendas. Wanted to get away from the high school ppl I knew. Wanted to start a new life, knowin new ppl. Also went to pursue a girl (oy..) But knowin or feelin that ppl would forget about me. Simply because I'm not a cool guy. I don't hold ppl's attention like some popular ppl or whatnot, nor am I interestin enough to do so, but neways...

One of the other things that brought me out there was that I wanted to instill in myself a Christian upbringing. Around my senior year, I was feeling my spiritual life wane, particularly because I saw it so tied to my brothers and sisters. With them gone, I felt myself slowly dying.

So I came here, and the first couple of years were a drag. I was very introverted and kept to myself (to a certain point, I still am, but I'm a lot more open and vocal when the time comes).I didn't drink, have sex, do drugs, join a frat, whatever. Solely I was focusing on my needs-education and self preservation.

Sophmore year I was a bit more social. Found a small group of friends and met some ppl along the way. Also was able to find a "replacement fellow" that offered me a sense of community and spiritual growth. Also didn't hurt to have some eye candy too :p

Junior year I think I relapsed into the whole "be by myself" phase. However this was more of a test, to see how well I could handle life on my own, so to say. I can honestly say that I liked it, but I needed ppl in my life to be the fuel, to make it interesting. To make life worthwhile.

Progressively, I was trying to become a better person, a self-made man, a stronger Christian. I would put myself more on the line by gradually showing up and being vocal. I knew that some ppl would overlook the efforts I had been making, but my coscience was all in it. As long as I made the moves, I could not hold myself to any fault, even if it did hurt inside.

Senior year was a flurry. Presented with the opportunity to graduate early, I tooik it so in order to leave the prison that I had a part in creating. Financial reasons as well as personal satisfaction and wanting to return to my homeland were my key motivations. But plans always change in my life, and even if I did plan, there would have been no way to stop things from happening...

I am confronted with many possibilities now. Now' I don't want to go home becsuse that is where the fights, the strife, the conflicts occur. Home to me presents the harsh realities of my life that were conveniently hidden whilst I was in Philly. Home is a place where ppl have found new relationships and have been slowly disconnecting from others. Home is unnatural to me-it feels like a hotel, rather than a hotbed of communication. And home is not where my heart and soul have been for the past 3-4 years.

My heart, my love, my being is with and for the people. Granted some ppl in my life have stood out to me as to whom I lavish more favor, desire and attention to, but I am realizing that this shouldn't be the case. To love and to care genuinely is to help a stranger the same way you would help a friend in need. No special treatment to anyone, because the goal is to treat everyone special. I hope that I've been doing that and living my life in such a way for others to know. To know that there is a pure love out there for them, a helping hand, a relatable soul. I don't put it out on my own efforts but am guided and comforted by the One above who grants me these opportunities and desires to do so. Know that like Him, I will always be here, and I will always love, 24/7/365. Even if it does look different, know my intentions well-transparency is key.

But truth...I'm on break now. 1ish month to relax, hang out, get money, find work, and a place to be around for the next X years. It's gonna be tough especially at these times of uncertainty. I am a man who does not plan, but only looks to the future, for sustenance, for hope. I have learned that wherever I go, and whatever I've done, God has fulfilled my needs, and certainly had given me more than I ever expected or even wanted. (Makes me breathe a sigh of wonder and amazement) what do I do now? Get crackin.

The roads are dark and lonely, but I know that I am not alone in heading towards my final destination...in more ways than one ;)

ministrone, fruit, grape juice, beef sandwich, danish

realized how i haven't fooded my notes in a while. think i'm eatin better now.

had trouble sleepin this mornin-cold room, no blanket, talkin to ppl last night, but i managed. spent all morning in bed, talkin out loud, thinkin bout the future, present, ppl, etc etc.

had brunch at noon, then came back to base. motivational posters, then crack napped fer a bit. got my bus exam to study fer. from what i'm readin, almost all financial institutions are subject to the same growth and risk patterns.

fin'd the exam-wasn't as bad as i thought-but i got some really easy questions wrong. oh well, 1 down, 3 to go.

countin down the days till end of the semester, and most likely a new chapter in my life.

=====================================================================

the last couple weeks have been...tumultous and unexpected. being confronted with the real possibility of being left in the dust, social, economically, physically, mentally, emotionally-it's all there. it's a time to step up, to get out there...get a job, find your own place, you're an adult...all that jazz and hooplah.

but i'm not used to it, and i'm not ready. yknow, i've been a student pretty much all my life. it's been, boom! wake up, cram/do homework, go to class, sleep, rinse, repeat. how do i get used to and introduce myself to a life where you're yknow...another one of the crowd? one in a hundred bazillion people, wakin to go to work, early commute, hittin the grind...that's not me. it's not what i want to be.

so many points in my life, i imagined what i'd be when i grew up. wanted to be a trucker, wanted to be an adventurer like Indiana Jones, wanted to be a lawyer, politician, psychologist, entrepreneur, informal corporate officer...grug.. not cut out for the 8:30-6 office cube/desk job, whatever you wanna call it. i wanna be out there-independant, free, and for the people.

yknow, i wanna give back to the places i've been, the communities, the hangouts i had, the places that i took fer granted so much, and returned so little a contribution. i wanna create change, i wanna inspire people, i got a big picture on my mind. but, in this world now, you need the tools. you need the cash, you need the position, positioning and connections. you gotta brownnose, you gotta take the accepted way to get up there, and you gotta pay your dues to get it done.

but i can't accept that. we are stuck in a rut where we believe our paths in life are so predetermined, that a certain sest of opportunities are available to you solely based on your career choice and areas of expertise. where are the transitions? can you be connected in many other industries?

perhaps i'll find something to do. maybe i won't; who knows? maybe successful, maybe not-doesn't matter to me. all i wanna do is be out there fer the people. if i could, i'd ask someone to leave it on my tombstone-the man's got soul. not the soul that's about jazz and funk, (although it might be nice to have, if i ever understood of it). the soul he's got-it's fresh, it lives throughout time, it crosses hearts, breaks down barriers-it's real, it feels and it's good.

neitzsche once said that the authentic man can't be defined. don't trip...

=========================================

everything in life is a bonus.

i see everything given to me, whether good or bad, triumph or trouble, conflict or resolution, as plusses and smaller plusses. the only zero value item is death, and even by the time that occurs, i hope that i have left the world, having made it a better place, both with my existence and my departure.

the very fact of the matter is that if you're here on this earth, then you were deemed worthy, plucked from the fruits of your father's and mother's loins, beating all of scientific probability, and surviving through the alterations of the genetic timeline, to partake in the great ritual called life. that is something fundamentally special and worth treasuring. cherish it and live it well.

startin somin new

well, i was mulling over the past weeks and so, and thought "hmm, i am somewhat uncomfortable with talking with people. gotta work on my social skills and also train to be a politician (a good honest one, not the typical lying, spinning, hiding type)". think i'm pretty transparent, but could still work on it some.

to accomplish this, i'll be starting what i call TTS or Truth Telling Saturdays. on the second and fourth saturday of each month, approach me with any question, and i'll answer it to the best of my ability, no hiding, no reforming words or messages, straight up truth. can be about anything, and can be through any medium-mail, message, speech, picture, whatever. as long as it reaches me on those days, i'll take care of it on the spot. TTS also extends to holidays too, cause the truth takes no holiday.

it's good to have an unburdened mind and conscience (1 Corinthians 4:4), and frankly, the world could operate a whole lot better without the walls and barriers we put up, either through our speech or actions. even the image we give off may hide many things. stop fronting, stop sugar coating your words, and start living the way one ought to live...untouchable by men, open to all peoples, and genuine in your walks

chronology

8/25/2002 Daisy Lights
12/3/2008, 12/6/2008, 12/10/2008, 2/13-2/14/2009, 4/9-4/13/2009 Yellow Kites

don't ask me why-not even on TTS will you get an answer. only the people involved know.

s'like the whole world...

is taking a massive dump on me this thanksgiving.

here's the scoop-i've been havin a terrible one. come back to base and find the house lookin like a mess. because of lack of sleep fer a good 3 weeks, i've been exhausted. wasn't able to get some stuff ready for wednesday.

wednesday, got nothin done so far. also got taken for a massive hit on the same day.

this mornin, wasn't able to get to MIT field to hang out. furthermore i get news that it's not thanksgiving lunch and actually it's dinner, making me have to choose one of three things. since i don't see my family much, i opt for that plan. this year, we had hotpot as dinner, and that'd be great...cept for the fact that i hate hotpot.

on the way back home, parents get snippy because i wasn't speaking in chinese. wantin to leave home, for much longer than ever.

other stuff's been crackin at me. family stuff, the fact that i'm almost done with school and have to find a job at the worst time for the economy. haven't spent any time with the people i wanted to, nor made any money. ran thru the timeline, and found out that my worst enemy has been my home.

needin a way out. so sick of this place now. how much worse will it be when i really have to return...

plans for the next week

my mind is shot. my legs are tired-my arms feel broken and cartilageless. my throat is dry, my eyes are strained, and the bed calls me back every second. but i gotta go on-gotta complete the next chapter of my life that eerily feels already written. all i have to do is step through the door, and off i go.

fer the next week, the following agenda

-get sleep
-get equipped
-cram out some tests and projects
-follow the schedule i have for my final project
-hang out with ppl
-go home
-talk with advisors to see if i am getting out of here

if i fail to do any of this stuff, then i sign over the right to ppl i know to punch me back into submission. that is my promise; that is my goal; that is my plan.

after all this, i dunno what's next, but for now, this is my life-a big grocery list and a balancing act. *sigh* now, onto the show...

running note about art...

you wear your symbols out

as i sat at treetops eating my hash browns, fruit, breakfast, and some bad grapeade, i look around as i usually do. today's been unusually sunny and bright-70's they say. guess it's a good contrast as to the weather and the feels of las night, or it's a reminder of an eventuality, an inevitability that "the day is darkest before the dawn". heh.. as i looked around, all i saw were these explorer entourage and phillies shirts. they got me thinkin-besides the amount of consumerism and supposed loyalty they imply, it got me thinkin about symbolism. (from this point on, i will be talking about the same hypothetical person, but dressed in typical garb, for all intents and purposes.)

so what do symbols mean? in history people have worn symbols on them all the time. it is found in their clothing-representing class, ancestry, location. it is found on their bodies-tattoos have been used for aesthetic value, but also as an implement for expression-love, hatred, loyalty, pictures, a symbol of lasting ideas. symbols have been used to represent ethnicity and religion-the Jesus piece, the swastika, the yarmulke, beads, the white hood, the queue are some of the major forces of elemental behavior.

you are not a still-life. you are not a snapshot. if historians were to find a picture of you, dressed up in a suit, posed very confidently and nonchalantly, they could make inferences on your class, your behavior, possibly surmise your prior and future actions, and perhaps the purposes behind your own self-structuring. however, pictures alone do not tell the whole story: they are a capture of time. you may have been dressed in a suit, but maybe it was halloween. maybe you rented the suit for a party; maybe you wore it on a whim or for a dare. what we can see at first hand can give us a glance into the life of the individual, but in comparison to other recordations, the picture is very short-sighted.

so we move up from there; the video. the video is a set of frames sped up at a particular frame rate to establish the illusion and capturing of movement. the video is a truer form of capturing the symbols and has a better chance for us to understand the context of those symbols in a truer state-one of action, interaction, and reaction. of course those symbols again are dependant upon the wearer. how one decides to utilize those symbols is especially important-truth or ironic usage. perhaps it may even be concident that they have those symbols on them, and really, they don't intend to imply anything. you may have been wearing a shirt with a smiley face on it, but meh. you might have been feeling sad. you might have been wearing a gag gift. you might have been forced to wear it, you might have worn it for other people. hell, it could have even been laundry day and you had no better alternative, because nudity doesn't work for you. videos: they capture a bit more, they give a little more of the story, but again...it's only a piece of time, a segment, perhaps pieced together, set-up, idealized, drawn out, merely compiled..

and so what do you do, to look for and to understand the truth, the truths that people may or may not have laid out in front of them? how do you break through the facades, the illusions, the fronts? how do you find the reality of people, whether they are living high or low, what their true feelings and intents are? how do you find out and experience how life really...should be?

what you do is look deeper. you go forth and you try to understand people, what they do, how they do it, how they feel. you look at them, on their good days and bad ones. you analyze their experiences, you propose and speak truth to them. you don't dilute your life with unnecessities or superficialities, but you confront them with reality. you do not escape life by way of physical pleasures or psychological dependances, but you embrace life. you rip down the walls, the things we use to hide from others, the walls that we use to make people think that things are "going ok", or good, or whatever, those mere formalities of speech and custom that we're so used to.

the only way to look deeper is to be with them, to be with those people. it is, dare i say, the most genuine, simple, yet articulate, understood gesture one could make. to spend time with them to find the truth, to be relational, to help them fight their problems, to enjoy their pleasures, to understand the troubles, trials, and tribulations that although, we may not have experienced them ourselves, it is that thought, that expression, that presence that makes people know "yes, this individual is taking a step".

the symbols we wear are, like my professor says, facts. facts only express some concreteness in the world among us. however, it is our interpretation, our meaning, our representation of these symbols that make us or do not make us. the question is-are your symbols right? do people understand them the way they were intended? are those symbols characteristic of an importance, an unsuperficialness, a genuine heart? are those symbols going to make you right with others, and are those symbols the way to go, in terms of bringing people together, exposing the truth, and living it? do those symbols mirror reality, or are we merely putting up more fronts, more walls, more blocks, preventing us from being effective with one another?

we wear our symbols out, but have our symbols become us? are we our symbols?

it's only been one night...

it's only been one night...but one night can change it all.

headed in day 4 of lack of sleep. woke up in anticipation for what music we'd listen to in american studies. when i came to class, the chairs were turned towards the back and we were surrounding a boombox, listenin to popular music of the 50's, 60's, 70's and 90's. learned that there were a buncha screwed up songs perpetuating domestic violence, particularly creepy were the Pointer Sisters, who loved to sing about getting beat up by their men. Jack Jones also sounded like a Home-Ec regimen.

to philosophy where we talked more about the Growing Stone. pretty much more autopilot in the class-professor overtalks, and i chime in only to "prove" that i read the book. too much inference from small details in that story, but it makes sense that, i dunno, people affix themselves to some absolutes in order to escape their exiles from life itself. got some lunch with ppl from philo class. learned all they do is drink and get in trouble, but they're typical folk, so i guess i can live with that.

back to base, played some games, went to chinatown with some friends. hacked around the gallery fer a bit. checked out that "prison bookstore". apparently it's an Afrocentric/Afro-American bookstore. will come back to them-they have writing by Iceberg Slim.

had to kill some time before meeting for LW. went to this shop where they sold fake pokemon cards, then starbucks, then pretty much sat in the food court in the gallery. all that food was remindin me of food. met up with small group at Banana Leaf, but dinner at Wong Wong due to social considerations.

prayer walked fer a lil bit. made me think about how little i really know about this urban environment, and perhaps a reminder of how out of touch i can be. on top of that, the only other thing i drew from it is that my approach to prayer might be a bit robotic, but it's the way that I can express myself truthfully. they say, it's the measure of what's in the heart, so....

met up with some ppl after to discuss life. all that was goin thru my mind was that it shouldn't be done, that we should be set apart, as one said "beyond reproach", and that the mark of a man isn't by what he has; it's by his responsibility. control and purity of action and intent, and perhaps better alternatives should be sought, and that image is...semi-irrelevant. all that was goin thru my mind when i left was that i should give it some time, that i should take it down a notch, that these people are still my brothers and sisters, that i can see some of what i truly want from there. it's funny how the conversation before with someone on the train kinda foreshadowed this; was stressing the relational quality of it all, and that is what makes me want to be there. true building of these relationships, and an escape from the normalcy that life and college life presents.

walking thru the warzone of parties, bars, and the night crowd, was able to catch the last trains from 40th as well as city hall. the wings sauce was leaking from the bag, and there were some mentally distraught ppl on the train as well. got back to campus around 1ish, anticipating some good eats.

the night was a muddle soon after. all i know is that somewhere in my mind, psychosis can be beneficial, but it needs to be controlled. also, i gotta take my contacts out sooner. damn though...

woke up to take them out, and the last thing that stirred up a thought came from the custodian; "do this [job] to get free education? i'll do it." so many wise implications from that statement..

day 5 of sleep deprivation. startin to think it might be something else entirely this time

fruit, mozzerella balls, garlic bread, pizza, grapeade

2 weeks until thanksgiving weekend-where has all the time gone?

last couple days, been goin thru the motions fer classes. histry we talked more about the feminist movement. also watched mona lisa smile. pretty drawn out in terms of a movie, lemme see if a woman directed it (jk, nope). finished up my lil stint with nietzsche and dostoeyevsky. moving back to camus and prolly a review of sartre fer the final week. business has also been repetitive fer the most part. got a decent score on my test-makes me wonder if i should not go to classes again, since it seems to be workin out.

next couple of weeks, gotta be able to finish those long span projects. amazing how much time we got to do this stuff, but w'all know, ervyone procrastinates. hmm, i do believe that the person who finally is able to step outta that rut, they will conquer earth like rita repulsa. or maybe get some rest-either way works with me.

time to get some work done...

===================================================================

as i hear all these issues of civil rights, feminism, and existentialism among other things, i find that the one thing in common they all share is people fight for these things, because of relative sensibility. relative not in the sense of "right for you, right for me", but relative as in illustrating the obvious as well as subtle differences between all of them.

people fought for these issues because what they believed in made sense for them in their situation. oppressed people wanted equality because it was on the basis of belief that humans are inherently born equal. we are born with nothing, and die with nothing. perhaps we may be born into hostile or comfortable circumstance. however, we all deserve the same right of treatment, the fairness of freedom and justice, without having labels, assumptions, or power lorded over us.

feminists felt that equality was something to be strived for because of the stark objectification and idealist situation that they felt complacent enough to be a part of. women thought that their main goal fer the most part was to get educated, find a man, get married, and take care of home, husband and kids. that fell into conflict with the liberated woman, a woman who felt that she was not defined solely by the men around her, but that she had a unique identity. she had been strengthened by her will, her intellect, her essence of being a woman. it is because of that that women were objecting these perceived notions of submission and subservience. and it made sense to them too-equality and change were necessary not only for society to progress, but also for society to integrate.

existentialism taught me about the feeling of nothingness in this world, that perhaps there is no real purpose, that death is the last feeling, and that everything before or after is merely nothing. it's pretty drab in terms of a philosophy-most of the things that i believe deal with how to interact with others and i guess basic commonalities of behavior and desires. that's probably more psychology, but to the root, they are the same. once again, people felt that life was not exactly peachy keen for them, and so they lived their lives, voicing their disgust, their opinions, what they believed to be true. they're not crazy either, but i think their line of thinking is too exclusive to relate to people of here and now. they are the underground man, it seems.

fer me, the truth of the matter is i do what i feel makes sense. some people say that i may be cold hearted, that i seem insensitive, unwilling to compromise, or to even allow newness to come into my life. the perspective i hold is a clash between human emotion and operational efficiency. in time, i know that i will regret some of the decisions i made. some were made clearly on the basis of looking at the short term, that i realize that the brevity of time on such opportunities makes it necessary to capitalize now. other times, i will put myself in the situation of the hated in order to get things done. however, i try to see things in terms of the big picture. sometimes i will bite the bullet and do things that people really don't want, and they will feel pain. but if they look inside my head, my heart, my being, they will know i meant well.

===================================================================

fer lack of a better word, karma. broke a chair, been a chair. helped my friends, get helped too. despise myself, hurt myself. all works out in the end somehow.

fergot my food =(

my bed and kinetic energy are my ultimate drugs.

friday morn was havin sleep prolems again. shouldn't be eatin too late, i spose. went to lib fer histry class. learned bout the large amount of resources they have for advertising and american analysis. particularly would like to listen up to some that old jazz when i find the time.

philo, ran through the two stories of camus. found out that she still wants my midterm, dunno how i'm gonna trudge through this one. came back to base to nap and get some work done.

went out to the city, time got cut a bit short. next week, we're havin field day. semi-anticipatin it. headaches in the car on the way back.

thought the lan party was friday night, ended up breaking into olney accidentally. headed over to commuter lounge, played some pool, got some food.

was seein if people were doin nethin, nothin really. chilled for a bit at neuman, then back to base for sleep.

woke up again, couple hours later. phone calls, then back to sleep, then false alarms, then back to sleep. whole day was spent crack nappin and eating. gotta try to get some work done tnight, or get sleep...prolly sleep.

===================================================================

lights-i'm lookin for them and wantin to be one. that pretty much sums up my goals for the next 30 years.

===================================================================

recognizing patterns and being self-aware; it lulls us into a false sense of control. you always gotta be on your feet, no matter how vested in time, experience or skill you are.

2 soups, 3 slices bread, pineapple, chicken tenders, jello, grapeade, 2 cookies

what's a 6 letter word for loser? Nasdaq.

attempted to get some long sleep tday, but was mentally woken up. got some breakfast, then worked on some overdue business hw. went to forensics, learned about blood spatter and the tricks behind identification and location. pretty sweet old school learning.

came back to base, got some ice cream from a friend, chilled in room for a bit. went to dinner at treetops but went to b&g after hearin "taco bar". dinner was aright, but some of the stuff was either overcooked or left out a bit long. stupid soup burnin finger too.

back to base again. maybe do some work or take a longer nap.

=====================================================================

at dinner, went to get a plate fer my wings. no plates around, since it was late, and the glass ones don't hold as much. went to the sandwich area to get one, and they decided to be real "richards" about it. it always seems it's from any sandwich place, and only the sandwich places.

the larger picture behind it is you sayin no, while clearly you are in a position where you're obligated and hired to serve others. furthermore, you're in a position of serving and you chose to be in that position, most likely for monetary compensation. what the hell are you doing refusing service to people? that's your friggin reponsibility.

it also seems that they coincidentally have the same look. for me, i'm a guy that hates stereotyping. usually i speak from personal experience and kinda investigate what "the truth" is before making my own judgments. however, it's becoming kinda sad that it boils down to whom respect is gonna be given solely based on outer appearance and connotation.

basically don't pull that disrespect on people. there's no good reason to type anyone, nor is there any reason to deny service solely because you felt you needed a power trip. like jay-z said, if you got problems, i feel bad for you, son. but if you're gonna act as the problem and not the solver, then step away from people when you do it.

well, i haven't served my country yet, but i've served my share of people. taken their trash, their insults, their disgust and hatred, and absolute nonsense. extend some courtesy to people; you wanna treat others like animals or non-humans, then i'm glad to oblige and lodge a chair in your forehead.

====================================================================

damn it usher, you were and are still spot on.

election day revelation.

so today was the day to go vote fer your favorite candidate, or "the lesser of two evils", or whoever best represents your ideals. so far, i think race has been a prevalent factor characterizing decisions. mostly every caucasian person i know advocated for mccain, while minorities and such got obama on their minds. maybe it's only a coincidence...



one of the thoughts that ran through my mind were among anyone, whether a family, group of friends, coworkers, whomever, if you had gone out to vote today. every vote for a candidate is a +1 and a vote for the other candidate is a -1 for your count, so this means if one person voted mccain, and one person voted obama, then in essence, we have gotten nowhere. might as well have stayed home if you guys knew who the other was gonna vote for, if in fact in equal proportions (1:1)



alongside with this thought was the one i commonly hold in that the voting system is a double edged sword in terms of "equality". in one sense, with each vote holding the same power, a racist, bigot, or informed voter has the same voice as someone who became educated, who sought out the issues, who really choose whom they thought was the best candidate. flipside of the coin is that the voice of the rich is the same of the poor. some greedy top 1 percentilist has the same bearing as a person who's been oppressed by welfare and poverty. of course, one could also bribe and influence people to vote a certain way, but that's another story for another time.



while in the bathroom thinkin about what to write for my econ project, i thought of two concepts that seemed relevant to the voting process: the prisoner's dilemma and the characteristics of an oligopoly.



the prisoner's dilemma refers to a hypothetical situation where two criminals are arrested for a crime which could lead to 20 years in prison. however, if one criminal gives up the other, the confessor is free, and the other serves 20 years. if neither criminal gives up the other, they each serve 6 months on a misdemeanor. if they both implicate each other, they both serve 10 years. the dilemma is that if a criminal keeps quiet, he serves either 20 years if his partner implicates him or 6 months if he does not. if the criminal implicates the other, he serves 10 years if his partner implicates him too, or goes away free if he does not. in both cases, it is the optimal strategy to implicate the other. in this scenario, both criminals implicate each other and serve 10 years, instead of only the 6 months if they both kept quiet.


the point of that is that people choose the best alternatives for themselves and forgo cooperation to serve themselves. in the situation of voting, assume there are two people in the world, person Democrat and Republican. if one person votes but the other does not, the other will die (since the winning political party will destroy the other). if they both vote, they will both die (since nothing has been accomplished). if neither votes, they will both live (since they both chose to cooperate together). much like the prisoner's dilemma, the best choice in both situations is to vote, leading both persons to vote.

the other part is the characteristic of an oligopoly and wasted resources. assume two people had to vote, but the voting area is in another city. both have to drive a car to get there. now, assume that if you vote, you earn a 10% bonus on your salary. if neither person votes, they both save the money they spent on gas to drive back and forth. if both persons vote, they don't get a bonus, and take in the cost of gas. of course, both persons will vote in order to get what they want, the votes tie up, and both persons lose out.

maybe i'm blowing it out of proportion. there's a moral reality and representation that comes with the voting process. one standing for their ideals, whether it be freedom of thought, independance, pro-life, pro-choice, healthcare, whether private or shared, social security, immigration, all that good stuff. the hard truth is, all this change....doesn't come by only voting for one person.... there are parties of people and powers, which are controlling the scenes from the back. we as a people need to know how to cooperate and work together instead of being fooled into naively thinking that one person alone is going to change our nation forever.

it is not that i do not have hope in people at all, but perhaps we are overstating the importance the election has on our country. if we wanted a better nation, then we should have been fighting for it every day, not only at the ballot booth.

pineapple chunks, taco?, fries, grape juice

it's like a drug-constant motion.

woke up this mornin, and found out i missed the reset. did some read up on jean kilbourne's feminist piece. seems she really hates guys. did bring up a good point bout how objectification of anything leads a greater compensity of violence towards it. after all, that how people treated other races like animals an such. also, i find it easier to get angry at a thing than a person.

to philo, which i have decided to not do my philo thing anymore. will take the big hit, but nail everything else, if plans turn out right. camus has become my new worst enemy now, right next to gravity, and the sun.

lunch was short in order to cram for my finance test. haven't been to class fer a couple of weeks. wanna get this done and stave off the next weeks in sleep.

took the test. wasn't very phased that much, cept i had to make up some story about mortgage rates.

burned my fingers twice today, once at lunch with taco cheese and at night class with cocoa. gon fin a forensics case, and sleep good tnight fer the rush tmr.

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tday, we're starting on camus and the myth of sissyphus. the premise of the writing is based on two questions that struck me. is life worth living and why not suicide? along those lines, the subject is absurdity and suicidal nihilism, which is positing that since there is no ultimate purpose in life, then to suicide is best. well, to answer those questions, one needs to define the terms and keep them in context. so let's get to the first question: is life worth living?

the first thing that came to me was that in to ascribe a worth, one has to put value on something. the next thought was worth in the context of alternatives. worth would mean that it was the best considerable option, given other alternatives. in the case of nihilism, the alternative is no life or in other words, death.

what's funny about that question is that you have to be alive to ask that question. also you need to assume that dead people cannot ascribe worth to anything, nor compare themselves to a living organism. furthermore, who is to say what life is? guess that camus has to assume a non-human non-physical being, like a spirit or metaphysical state. it's very messy what i'm saying, but essentially, one has to be alive to question if death is a better alternative. and if life as, perhaps human, is not worth living, then what form of life, if camus even meant non human, that was worth living?

camus also kinda screwed up in asking the second question: why not suicide? rationally, if that were the case, then the person who asks that question must die immediately, lest they run the risk of living the absurd life. is suicide a rational choice, and the living irrational? are we assumed to be rational beings?

the answer is yes, but we all do irrational things that aren't coherent with our internal logic. there was this bit i heard from NPR asking people two questions. if there was a lever that you could pull that would save 5 people from dying by killing 1 person, most people would pull the lever. however, if you could save those same 5 people by pushing the 1 person off a cliff, most people would say no. same actual result in terms of numbers, but there's a moral sense that contradicts this seemingly simple logic.

screw you camus.

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planning makes me sad. the best experiences i've had in life came at the moment. no calendars, no events, no agendas. guess that's the way it's meant to be fer me.

animal crackers

in $$$ we trust.

woke up this morn, gettin some last minute readings done fer histry and philosophy. both very enlightening. one was a piece of how the corset contributed much to repression and propagation of womenly sexuality. the other was the play "no exit" by sartre-gave a look into human psychology when external factors pressure people.

histry was kinda lax-usually i don't like listenin to anything considered feminist, solely because there brings a connotation of a pushy woman to the point of being a brash man. however, the rights and goals they look for are pertinent to cross all barriers of social difference, whether man, woman, black, white, disabled, gay, whatever.

to philo now...

wedding soup, grapeade, mushronion ricefish, sugar cookies, pears

took a couple days to get back to "reality"

vacation was bummish. at the end, all i felt was compelled to leave home. an arduous route back-took a bus at 2:00 am, and landed in NY in 3 hours. still dark and nothin open, had to kill 2 hours and find shelter. fortunately there was a starbucks open at 5:30. stuck around until 7 to catch the ride back.

took a day break or two. forensics test on thursday, followed by blown time. tday, got good news bout my histry midterm, but might end up on the precipice of failing philosophy. hopefully that doesn't come to be.

chilled fer a bit at base, then went out to LW. was feelin so so, bein semi-sick and all. long day tmr-hopefully i can fulfill all my obligations, if not, at least the important ones.

while comin back to my room, got hassled by an SDR booth person again. this is the 2nd time i've been mistaken for someone who doesn't go here. this means 2 things-one is that they're crap at their jobs, and the other is that i don't look like someone who goes here. that makes me feel all warm inside.

gon take a nap, and wish my people well.

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dunno what i wanna do right now. last couple days, really felt like quittin school. if i had to give a reason why, no reason, only feelings. tnight was kinda diggin into me. still tryin to "find my place" in this world. but small group study kinda gave me the light bulb inspiration to do somethin. will embark on this in the next couple of weeks, and by then, control will be established.

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for what you do, and what you believe, be loud, proud, and to the clouds.

congee, fried dough

and vacation is half over already.

woke up groggy, but psyched to go to church at home. ate breakfast in the cafeteria. saw a game called submarine by the children's ministry. will have to learn how to augment later.

service and ss were alrigh. was able to catch up with some people. not everybody or all the people i wantd to catch up with, but you take what you can get. went to mcdonalds after to get lunch, but wasn't feelin fast food. wanted to get some local food instead. so went to catch dimsum with ma.

dim sum wasn't where i expected it though, or with the people i thought. ended up goin to jin in saugus. saw a friend's parents there, and learned that fish are very similar to humans, in that they always flock back to the herd when separated.

went to the saugus mall after to find a new backpack. will talk more about it in the main reflection part.

back to base. screwed up again and forgot to empty my food. gettin used to my new phone, but gotta look more into getting a cheaper one in the future.

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so i usually hate going to the mall, mainly because i hate consumerism. the mall doesn't facilitate that. usually i'm a straight-forward guy, only lookin for what i need and nothin else. but in order to find it, i have to look around. went around and the only backpacks that were available were overpriced, and small, like purses. also, hot pink isn't my style. so decided to sit down, lax, and watch the people passin by. what i saw were the victims of the mall.

no one was spared. people of all ages and backgrounds were hit. saw women covered too much in makeup and eyeliner. monotonous outfits and styles. guys who looked like wannabe gangsters. even the children, purses, boots, hoodies, polos and all. seems to be no escape from it.

the first time i sat down, there was this grandma who also sat next to me. she had some sort of breathing problem, and sounded like a kazoo on beat. moved over to the bench across the way. some kids were knockin it, and then stopped. then this kid, couldn't have been 5 years old, sat next to me on the bench and called me a mothafacker....continued to write the note on the phone.

eventually i was able to get a backpack, but going to the mall brewed up all this negativity, which i thought wasn't worth it. the only redeeming quality i found is that i gotta work on my "tolerance" and acceptance levels, and how to extend grace to others, even if the world around seems so bland, and artificial.

but i guess it's my beef and my beef alone. only wishin that some people in my life would not be struck too..

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today, learned of how there are good days and bad days and that Christians only have "days". their days should not be so bad, that they feel unable to reach God's grace, nor should they feel so good as not to need God's grace either.

that's my life-a big neutral feeling. not a day goes by when a good day isn't balanced out by crappiness, but when the feces hits the fan, there's always someone to lift me up out of it too.

spicy chicken crisps, whopper jr., fries, blue water

glad to be fackin back home

weird dream last night. every sense was magnified. could feel items from the mind, and even felt the force of a blown kiss. was really trippy, but i liked it. woke up, fumbling in the dark to gather my stuff. headed to chinatown to catch the bus to nyc. caught the bus from nyc back home. took less time than it usually does.

went to repair some supplies. new shoes, some sweaters, new phone. worst buy was probably the 35 i spent on some paper though. chilled with ivan fer a bit, then came back to base. dinner time and laxing.

vegetarian vegetable soup, dijon rotisserie beef, pizza, grapeade

end of the tunnel is a light-they say it's the train. fer me it's the way back.

spent all morning playing games instead of getting work done. came in late to forensics class, learned about paint and saw an hour long episode of fbi files. apparently for causing 54 federal violations of law, including triple homicide, you only get life without parole at the federal level. ridonkulous.

stayed around at lab to find out the pattern of a game. read about the bombshell of updates and figured that perhaps this is the beginning of the end. dinner at b and g, then back to base.

headed out to center city to catch the grand inquisitor on penn campus. found out they have a lockout policy if you're late to the show-damn moneygrubbers. walked from 36th street to center city in search of an ice cream or smoothie shop. there was this one place on 18th and sansom? that had some expensive but creative ice creams. captain crunch, cookies and cream, and one other ingredient. fergot what it was.

came back to base. gettin hounded by the outside and in. wantin to take a nap, but also stay up to dream. red sox are still in it, i hear...

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small steps to building my future tonight.

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we weren't born traitors.

pizza, hungarian mushroom soup, sloppy joes, grapeade. fruits, angel cake

this note will be the break for my sanity for the next 2 days.

woke up early to cram for nutrition exam. could not store information at all. thought the forensics case was due today, but it's actually thursday, so now i won't have to make up an excuse fer not havin it.

had a lecture about hair in forensics and did a microscope lab with it. rabbit hair is invisible, i swear.

more studyin for nutrtion test, not even the powerpoints are helpin. as long as i don't fail this one, i'm good for perhaps the semester. still have to do the dietary analysis though. will prolly cheat and eat all prepackaged foods for the numbers.

after this test, prolly gonna head to library to pick up some research so that i can crank out a draft fer econ and also gotta study for part 2 of histry test. no sleep tnight and tmr, cause of philo midterm as well. hope the grand inquisitor is ostentatious and showy-gon need a distraction for sleep.

after basically failing the nutrition test, came back to base. got some extra (but little) time to relax before the all night workathon. wish me well.

====================================================================

in next couple of days, will be planning out how i'm spending my vacation. this time i'm gonna do it a bit more methodically instead of hopin or doing whatever i feel like. won't feel like wasted time. would want to take care of business, family, friends, self, and catchin up with some ol roots.

feels good to be goal oriented, keeps you in focus, at least fer the time being. walkin back here, i can find myself gettin distracted by the world around. visual stimuli, bills to pay, people to talk to, important issues and the whatnot. but that only roots you in stubbornness if you seek one thing, and don't get it at that point.

point being, is you can't get stuck in your ways, your own desires. although they may be important, you gotta be ready to change, to give it up fer the better, for others, for a greater cause. what that cause may be, well...that's up to you, but you should never fear or avoid the potential hurt in order to change and grow and ultimately get what you were seeking.

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all i want to do is wake up again.

birthday note

screw my school. no mail, no holiday-wtf....wish i were back in new england.

woke up early to do some crammin fer histry midterm. breakfast was lame: a couple strips a bacon, small fruit bowl, grapeade and golden grahams. apparently, the small bowl is called a monkey bowl for official reasons...

took the first part of the histry midterm. some of the easier questions were actually worth more, but wasn't feelin too awake to do them. does anyone know who richard hunter is? seemed to be a random name for the identification part.

lunch was so-so. turkey, potatos, pears, more grapeade. apparently the best thing they had today was the veggie tempura. makes me eat my vegtables if you deep fry em or somin...

fell asleep in the library, woke up some time later. came back to base-watched the warriors. was an ok movie-next time i shouldn't read the spoilers =/ more of a popcorn flick than a thinker of a film.

checked the internets some, did some business hw. business class was drawn out about bonds, premiums, yields and risks again. seems like we could do a whole course on those things, or perhaps shorten class time to an hr...yeesh. also saw some sartre philosophy of existence preceding essence when some guy got reamed for plagarism.

back to base again, find there's a hole in my butt (pants). needin to keep on schedule fer next couple days by doin some more work.

====================================================================

oy, thought i was gonna not think bout the wife/companion search for a while. but it dawned on me, seein that some ppl round my age were already engaged or married, whatnot.

when i look back, i think of the girls that i've been infatuated with, what connections i had with them, and what drew us together. cannot lie that some of them were physical, others stimulated intellectually, and some spiritually. but it didn't seem like it was fully there. that is to say, they had this going, but had this lacking.

this leads me to believe that multiple needs had to be fulfilled. certain relationships would fill this gap, but it's with different people. then i realized, that's like cheapening human interaction, outsourcing what people do best-thinking too much like an profiteer or an economist.

ran into the same problem before, when i tried leaving someone cause i said i couldn't fulfill their needs. but the truth was, that they didn't care about that, that they didn't want the person that was better at so and so, could do this or that; they wanted the person-they wanted me.

and so from that past revelation and from today, i'm led to two conclusions. one is that my major or its basic line of thinking counteracts most of the human gains and societal welfare behind it. efficiency, comparative advantage and machiavellian action create the bottom lines. if i were to be a better person, not only for her, but for my family, my friends, even fer my enemies, i gotta let go of the notion that results and hard numbers aren't the goals fer life all the time. it's ok to be imperfect and imprecise. that's why you're loved, yo. that's who you are, and your "family" is gonna take you for that.

the other is that you can't compartmentalize human emotion and relationships. they gotta come coherently together. it's not the case where you can pick and choose, that you can't discard solely because it doesn't fit like a puzzle piece. the whole package of a person is one-taken and valued for everything. some people may be emotionally gripping, some may be physically attractive, some may pique your intellect, whatever. that one person-you want it, cherish it, love it all.

the mark of a man is made by his mistakes, but also how he learns and does what is right from it. in getting older (grah), my wish is to remain timeless like the values and ideals i've been tryin to seek fer so long. it's not about being perfect or impressing people, it's about being there and doin the right thing, the hard thing, the necessary thing when the time is right.

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in desperation, one seeks the easy way out. seen it in my games, seen it in schoolwork, seen it on tv. standin and fightin strong is what we gotta do now and on.

chicken salad, shrimp cutlet, chocochip cookie, grapeade, italian wedding soup

my mind never sleeps, but my body has to.

woken up at 4:30 thinkin about people. got an extra bread from doing so. went back to sleep and woke up again before my alarm at 9:20. took a hack at reading sartre's "nausea" fer class. did not draw any philsophical meaning from it. maybe that was the point :shrugs:

to histry, where we picked up some more material we needed to study for the mid term. apparently coney island was a place of sexual freedom and vibrancy. Furthermore, people became reactionaries and muckrakers to all the social injustice and working conditions for the lower and working classes. seems to me that if we have this struggle all the time throughout history, then perhaps we have really not learned nor decided to change from it at all. maybe complacency, maybe apathy. all i know is representatives are needed from each class for each class across classes and open a link of communication and steps towards improvement.

talked to my econ professors bout the seminar paper. sigh of relief when i found out that i don't have to condense all my findings into one sentence. got a couple of resources and more ideas towards how i want to explain business failure rates. might decide to go back to school after graduation, but my spirits are not there as of right now.

the talks went so long that i basically skipped philo class. or rather, i came in with 5 minutes left fer class. the mid term is a take home and due wednesday. also, we're seein a play on one of the books we read, and consequently don't have class on friday. after thinkin about this, prolly not good. give up 3 hours to avoid 1? blah....this play better cure cancer.

brunch was simple but filling. bag broke a second time this week. gon have to either get a new one, or replace it with one from home.

in library righ now after doing som more research. the call for doin work is strong, but i'm tired again. need some sleep drugs, or ppl.

went back to sleep fer some more. got woken up by field music again. they play it evrytime they have a practice....so lame...

got picked up, went to banana leaf. had some generic wonton noodle soup. semi filling but kinda expensive. went to this ktv karaoke place, which killed the mood so much. would not recommend the place ever, unless you gotta stash drugs.

back to base, caught up for casino night. won an entourage dvd, and some crappy poker player got an iPod nano, while another got airfare tickets. tellin ya, there's some kinda balance in the world, as bad as it is.

now plannin what to do fer the weekend. maybe a lil birthday dinner, or maybe wings in the lounge again. blah.

===================================================================

some unchivalrous deeds tonight and made me switch up perspectives quick. wondering if this is that call for responsibility i'm lookin for and dreadin at the same time.

===================================================================

events happen once. concepts happen forever.

pasta e fagioli, grapeade, jack's chick sandwich, fries

3 for 3 in being paired with crappy roommates.

went to sleep early to get some work done. got woken up mid morning by sounds of roommate flushing toilet and coughing his lungs out. yeah, i know he's sick, but it's intolerable.

went back to sleep and woke up again around 9:30 am. had 3 weird dreams that felt so vivid. one involved me being naked on bolyston street, walking into a victoria's secret, and finding money and what appeared to be my hoodie. another involved 4 other people finding a new church and subsequently splitting up in order to grab breakfast in the dorchester area. the last one involved 5 mono but separately colored birds. a blue bird named captain perry tried to shoot himself, but the bullet richocheted off his head. was something out of madagascar or somethin.

to histry, where we recapped abotu coney island and how it was a reactionary place to the victorian ideals america incorporated in the 1900s. entertainment and sexual freedom were at a rise, much like today.

philosophy, where we talked about sartre some more. we denied the determinism laid out upon us by our environment and instead reinforced self-determinism: man is not born a coward, but is a coward by his actions. my counterargument is that it is not the forces at play, but the magnitude to which the forces affect the will. it's about breaking points relative to the individual.

lunch, then went to the lab to get make up work done. went into a steroid sleep, and coincidentally learned about steroids too via MLB.com. apparently, viagra can double as a steroid. +1 for BALCO.

still gon be doing work prolly fer the whole day. this week is gonna be dependant upon how much work gets handed out in the next 3 days. 2 mid terms on monday, and a paper due on next wednesday, so it'll be a crunch if i can go home.

baked fish, fries, apple pie, hungarian soup, grapeade

haven't watched baseball for a while. saw some last night, and all i wanna do is grab my crotch every inning, zambrano style, and take viagra (yknow, for the lulz)

still no good sleep. must need to work out or work out before sleeping. did some biological research, then headed to histry, where black civil rights were elaborated on. learned about plessy vs ferguson, brown vs board of ed, and the horrors of lynching. simply put, people were more radical and expressive in yesteryears.

philosophy, more about sartre. was able to prove i actually did some reading. class went smoothly, and we'll be talking more about him on monday. got an A on my paper and most ppl did too, so if i pass the midterm, i'll be set.

had some meetings with my professors bout the seminar paper. still no one readily available that i wanted to talk to. however, did cement a good direction as to how the paper's gonna go.

came back to base after brunch. contemplating what i have to do fer today and the week ahead.

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today in philo class, we talked about responsibility of man and how he feels anxiety, both at responsibility and the possibilities that responsibility has lay before him. one thing that stood out was that there was this vicious cycle between acting and feeling. it's that we don't know what we feel, until we act. however we don't act, unless we are on feeling. my counterpoint is that in order to break or begin the cycle, one needs to think.

yesterday, i had a conversation with a friend and told him that mistakes can be predictable. some people make bad choices relative to what is good, and some people make the best choices based on what they do or can, even if the choice itself is murky.

another friend said don't let your emotions overcome your intelligence. in that aspect, it is prudent for us to understand and be educated on life, and what should be and shouldn't be. it is that sometimes we must learn not to overstate the importance of feelings in terms of logical calculation and sense.

it's perhaps pursuing a balance between not being a hedonist swayed to emotions and a logician, only going by the numbers.

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tonight i will see what direction the fellowship will head, and tonight i'll make my decision as to whether stay here, or break.

grapeade, seasoned rice, chicken ribs, frosted flakes

tried so hard...to sleep. couldn't do it.

was not able to get my 10 hours of sleep that i hoped for. ended up playing games online till 10 am, from 3:35 am...i suck. went back to sleep after a lil chat, woke up at 1ish to grab breakfast.

headed to forensics class. more about the atom, but also radiation and spectroscopy. apparently quantum mechanics fascinates me.

in the lab feeling not really awake, but caffeinated. my blood must create its own i guess.

======================================================

election season is coming. people have been on campus with clipboards and other things, tellin me to register and vote, and i throw them the same lie; i'm not an citizen of the united states. apparently it gets them off my back.

it dawned upon me that the country was built upon the idea of democracy, that we vote for our leaders, our ideas, our needs, our causes. in relation to the presidental election, a vote for a candidate (obama, mccain, some other third party) means an advocacy for their beliefs (i.e. what they stand for) but then i think about it again, and remember that i have such a distaste for the voting system. 2 things about it; the inequality/inadequacy of it, and the real purpose for it.

inadequacy/inequality (no racist intention here, only stating what i saw)
each person who is eligible to vote gets one vote. in this election from an average american, these are the two choices; black guy or old white guy. not the first time a white guy's ran, but it's the first time a black guy ran, which is pretty epic and monumental. the implications seem to outweigh the true matter at hand: reforming our country. but anyways...

i am deciding not to vote. it's not apathy, but it's this. every vote carries the same weight. so it's like this: i can vote for the better candidate, in terms of policies, stances, moral character, etc. in response, to negate my vote, some angry racist can vote mccain. that's how crapped up voting is: it makes no reference nor gives any validity to a vote, whether or not it is polished and thought out.

to the other side of the coin, yes...a rich aristocrat's vote is the same as a working class person, and for that, the system makes sense. however, the bottom line is this: money. cash rules everything around me-it ran the election process. it defines this country. it influences behavior (including the vote and laws passed in the House and Senate). the concept of voting for a democratic state exists, but it's so minor as to what actual forces are in play.

real purpose
so you're thinking, "i'm voting, in order to get the right candidate, to make a stand for what i believe in, to be empowered and united as a people for change" (not quoting obama, but the ideals of wanting the country to change has long been ingrained within me). for that, i am grateful to you as an american if you are proposing that on a noble stance.

however, on election day, the candidates aren't gonna care about that. all they're gonna care about is if they secured enough votes to become president. end of story.

to that end, obama doesn't need my vote. he may WANT my vote. he doesn't need MY vote, nor MY money. but he needs A vote, he needs SOMEONE'S money. we are faceless millions swept up and lost in a sea of anonymity. the candidates put on one hell of a show, and once they're in office, are they gonna care? are they gonna remember the hands they touched? the people they visited? the rallies they spoke at? the people they said they'd help? the true test of these people isn't what they do in the limelight; it's what they do in the street lights, the night lights, the common light.

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most of my entries will now be on facebook and blogger, and no, i did not jump on the bandwagon. been writing fer a while, but i feel there are new audiences to reach out to. also, facebook format is kinda restrictive.