birthday note

screw my school. no mail, no holiday-wtf....wish i were back in new england.

woke up early to do some crammin fer histry midterm. breakfast was lame: a couple strips a bacon, small fruit bowl, grapeade and golden grahams. apparently, the small bowl is called a monkey bowl for official reasons...

took the first part of the histry midterm. some of the easier questions were actually worth more, but wasn't feelin too awake to do them. does anyone know who richard hunter is? seemed to be a random name for the identification part.

lunch was so-so. turkey, potatos, pears, more grapeade. apparently the best thing they had today was the veggie tempura. makes me eat my vegtables if you deep fry em or somin...

fell asleep in the library, woke up some time later. came back to base-watched the warriors. was an ok movie-next time i shouldn't read the spoilers =/ more of a popcorn flick than a thinker of a film.

checked the internets some, did some business hw. business class was drawn out about bonds, premiums, yields and risks again. seems like we could do a whole course on those things, or perhaps shorten class time to an hr...yeesh. also saw some sartre philosophy of existence preceding essence when some guy got reamed for plagarism.

back to base again, find there's a hole in my butt (pants). needin to keep on schedule fer next couple days by doin some more work.

====================================================================

oy, thought i was gonna not think bout the wife/companion search for a while. but it dawned on me, seein that some ppl round my age were already engaged or married, whatnot.

when i look back, i think of the girls that i've been infatuated with, what connections i had with them, and what drew us together. cannot lie that some of them were physical, others stimulated intellectually, and some spiritually. but it didn't seem like it was fully there. that is to say, they had this going, but had this lacking.

this leads me to believe that multiple needs had to be fulfilled. certain relationships would fill this gap, but it's with different people. then i realized, that's like cheapening human interaction, outsourcing what people do best-thinking too much like an profiteer or an economist.

ran into the same problem before, when i tried leaving someone cause i said i couldn't fulfill their needs. but the truth was, that they didn't care about that, that they didn't want the person that was better at so and so, could do this or that; they wanted the person-they wanted me.

and so from that past revelation and from today, i'm led to two conclusions. one is that my major or its basic line of thinking counteracts most of the human gains and societal welfare behind it. efficiency, comparative advantage and machiavellian action create the bottom lines. if i were to be a better person, not only for her, but for my family, my friends, even fer my enemies, i gotta let go of the notion that results and hard numbers aren't the goals fer life all the time. it's ok to be imperfect and imprecise. that's why you're loved, yo. that's who you are, and your "family" is gonna take you for that.

the other is that you can't compartmentalize human emotion and relationships. they gotta come coherently together. it's not the case where you can pick and choose, that you can't discard solely because it doesn't fit like a puzzle piece. the whole package of a person is one-taken and valued for everything. some people may be emotionally gripping, some may be physically attractive, some may pique your intellect, whatever. that one person-you want it, cherish it, love it all.

the mark of a man is made by his mistakes, but also how he learns and does what is right from it. in getting older (grah), my wish is to remain timeless like the values and ideals i've been tryin to seek fer so long. it's not about being perfect or impressing people, it's about being there and doin the right thing, the hard thing, the necessary thing when the time is right.

====================================================================

in desperation, one seeks the easy way out. seen it in my games, seen it in schoolwork, seen it on tv. standin and fightin strong is what we gotta do now and on.