on the bus back from NY

Sigh. I got so many thoughts runnin thru my head as usual. Everytime somethin like this happens, I find it easier to deal with by explicating the truths before me. Gives me a solid state of ground to work with.

Anyways, I am done. With school, that is. Barring I don't fail any classes, you can say that I am a college graduate. Wooters! (No, that sounds lame) but it's important that I am past this point in my life, considering some of the ppl I know didn't go that far.

(Mmmm...that scent is still around me now..)

Comin to college, I didn't really plan anything out. I figured that wherever I went, I would get an education, be ok with it, get a job, family, and be done with it. Clearly that is not the case.

Fer me, I came to la salle in order to satisfy my personal agendas. Wanted to get away from the high school ppl I knew. Wanted to start a new life, knowin new ppl. Also went to pursue a girl (oy..) But knowin or feelin that ppl would forget about me. Simply because I'm not a cool guy. I don't hold ppl's attention like some popular ppl or whatnot, nor am I interestin enough to do so, but neways...

One of the other things that brought me out there was that I wanted to instill in myself a Christian upbringing. Around my senior year, I was feeling my spiritual life wane, particularly because I saw it so tied to my brothers and sisters. With them gone, I felt myself slowly dying.

So I came here, and the first couple of years were a drag. I was very introverted and kept to myself (to a certain point, I still am, but I'm a lot more open and vocal when the time comes).I didn't drink, have sex, do drugs, join a frat, whatever. Solely I was focusing on my needs-education and self preservation.

Sophmore year I was a bit more social. Found a small group of friends and met some ppl along the way. Also was able to find a "replacement fellow" that offered me a sense of community and spiritual growth. Also didn't hurt to have some eye candy too :p

Junior year I think I relapsed into the whole "be by myself" phase. However this was more of a test, to see how well I could handle life on my own, so to say. I can honestly say that I liked it, but I needed ppl in my life to be the fuel, to make it interesting. To make life worthwhile.

Progressively, I was trying to become a better person, a self-made man, a stronger Christian. I would put myself more on the line by gradually showing up and being vocal. I knew that some ppl would overlook the efforts I had been making, but my coscience was all in it. As long as I made the moves, I could not hold myself to any fault, even if it did hurt inside.

Senior year was a flurry. Presented with the opportunity to graduate early, I tooik it so in order to leave the prison that I had a part in creating. Financial reasons as well as personal satisfaction and wanting to return to my homeland were my key motivations. But plans always change in my life, and even if I did plan, there would have been no way to stop things from happening...

I am confronted with many possibilities now. Now' I don't want to go home becsuse that is where the fights, the strife, the conflicts occur. Home to me presents the harsh realities of my life that were conveniently hidden whilst I was in Philly. Home is a place where ppl have found new relationships and have been slowly disconnecting from others. Home is unnatural to me-it feels like a hotel, rather than a hotbed of communication. And home is not where my heart and soul have been for the past 3-4 years.

My heart, my love, my being is with and for the people. Granted some ppl in my life have stood out to me as to whom I lavish more favor, desire and attention to, but I am realizing that this shouldn't be the case. To love and to care genuinely is to help a stranger the same way you would help a friend in need. No special treatment to anyone, because the goal is to treat everyone special. I hope that I've been doing that and living my life in such a way for others to know. To know that there is a pure love out there for them, a helping hand, a relatable soul. I don't put it out on my own efforts but am guided and comforted by the One above who grants me these opportunities and desires to do so. Know that like Him, I will always be here, and I will always love, 24/7/365. Even if it does look different, know my intentions well-transparency is key.

But truth...I'm on break now. 1ish month to relax, hang out, get money, find work, and a place to be around for the next X years. It's gonna be tough especially at these times of uncertainty. I am a man who does not plan, but only looks to the future, for sustenance, for hope. I have learned that wherever I go, and whatever I've done, God has fulfilled my needs, and certainly had given me more than I ever expected or even wanted. (Makes me breathe a sigh of wonder and amazement) what do I do now? Get crackin.

The roads are dark and lonely, but I know that I am not alone in heading towards my final destination...in more ways than one ;)