realized how i haven't fooded my notes in a while. think i'm eatin better now.
had trouble sleepin this mornin-cold room, no blanket, talkin to ppl last night, but i managed. spent all morning in bed, talkin out loud, thinkin bout the future, present, ppl, etc etc.
had brunch at noon, then came back to base. motivational posters, then crack napped fer a bit. got my bus exam to study fer. from what i'm readin, almost all financial institutions are subject to the same growth and risk patterns.
fin'd the exam-wasn't as bad as i thought-but i got some really easy questions wrong. oh well, 1 down, 3 to go.
countin down the days till end of the semester, and most likely a new chapter in my life.
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the last couple weeks have been...tumultous and unexpected. being confronted with the real possibility of being left in the dust, social, economically, physically, mentally, emotionally-it's all there. it's a time to step up, to get out there...get a job, find your own place, you're an adult...all that jazz and hooplah.
but i'm not used to it, and i'm not ready. yknow, i've been a student pretty much all my life. it's been, boom! wake up, cram/do homework, go to class, sleep, rinse, repeat. how do i get used to and introduce myself to a life where you're yknow...another one of the crowd? one in a hundred bazillion people, wakin to go to work, early commute, hittin the grind...that's not me. it's not what i want to be.
so many points in my life, i imagined what i'd be when i grew up. wanted to be a trucker, wanted to be an adventurer like Indiana Jones, wanted to be a lawyer, politician, psychologist, entrepreneur, informal corporate officer...grug.. not cut out for the 8:30-6 office cube/desk job, whatever you wanna call it. i wanna be out there-independant, free, and for the people.
yknow, i wanna give back to the places i've been, the communities, the hangouts i had, the places that i took fer granted so much, and returned so little a contribution. i wanna create change, i wanna inspire people, i got a big picture on my mind. but, in this world now, you need the tools. you need the cash, you need the position, positioning and connections. you gotta brownnose, you gotta take the accepted way to get up there, and you gotta pay your dues to get it done.
but i can't accept that. we are stuck in a rut where we believe our paths in life are so predetermined, that a certain sest of opportunities are available to you solely based on your career choice and areas of expertise. where are the transitions? can you be connected in many other industries?
perhaps i'll find something to do. maybe i won't; who knows? maybe successful, maybe not-doesn't matter to me. all i wanna do is be out there fer the people. if i could, i'd ask someone to leave it on my tombstone-the man's got soul. not the soul that's about jazz and funk, (although it might be nice to have, if i ever understood of it). the soul he's got-it's fresh, it lives throughout time, it crosses hearts, breaks down barriers-it's real, it feels and it's good.
neitzsche once said that the authentic man can't be defined. don't trip...
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everything in life is a bonus.
i see everything given to me, whether good or bad, triumph or trouble, conflict or resolution, as plusses and smaller plusses. the only zero value item is death, and even by the time that occurs, i hope that i have left the world, having made it a better place, both with my existence and my departure.
the very fact of the matter is that if you're here on this earth, then you were deemed worthy, plucked from the fruits of your father's and mother's loins, beating all of scientific probability, and surviving through the alterations of the genetic timeline, to partake in the great ritual called life. that is something fundamentally special and worth treasuring. cherish it and live it well.
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