pancakes with jam, scrambled eggs, fruit punch soda

man was not meant to beg on his knees, nor fly like an eagle. earth is his domain.

woke up early from a weird series of dreams. mystery girl morphing into something else, old people on top of a summer camp hill, me singing go west "king of wishful thinking". me falling, rolling down the hill into the surrounding area of mystery woman's bed. about to enter, when all of a sudden, i play a murmillo and destroy a spirit reaper. i'm about to attack for game, when i hear another woman's voice saying "no, please". the familiarity and pleading tone of voice placates me. enter sunlight.

jeff woke me up, needin somthin to do. came over, made pancakes and scrambled eggs. plannin to see off jonathan but was too late by then. cleanin up the house some, then headed to copley. ppl with lack of confidence, while debatin the economy's status. on and off with gameplay, while talkin to folks, makin jokes. wendy's after, hearin stories and failures of glory.

TWIGS after, learnin about how God wants us to take risks with what we have, our talents, gifts, responsibilities. not unnecry risks though. played some r band and heads-up bang. walkin back to base, assailed by visions of poverty. recollectin my thoughts now.

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headin back to base from TWIGS around mass ave, a spanish guy asks me fer directions, an i shrug it off since i didn't know the street he was lookin fer. he then asks me fer money twice, 50 cents first, then a quarter. i play it off by "faking" that i only know chinese.

headin down tremont st. saw two people on two separate blocks, checkin trash fer cans. night's stil active in the cafes and bars. thinkin the street's a lil more soulless now.

back to base round my area-i think...yeah, we gotta do somethin bout this. this ain't the way a city's sposed to treat its citizens. public awareness, empowerment, housing, ....we gotta do somethin together. a lil sacrifice makes a diffrence in life.

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there is much risk in doing an action as well as considering it. a risk with no reward...is only a reward not seen, but not recognized.

fettuccini alfredo, fruit punch soda

noticed that the last couple times i was sick, it was cause i was spendin time with friends =)

woke up round 10ish, wasn't feelin too good. went back to bed and woke again at 1. ate some breakfast/lunch at home instead of out, dim sumin or whatever.

headed to church to look fer ppl. played some bball on the outdoor court, back inside later. watched a travesty of a monpoly game go down, while indulgin in old school paperboy.

back to base, ivan, jonathan, james, and mel at my place. we found a book in the livin room that had a buncha pickup lines to get women. played some games, headed to james' place fer pizza and guitar hero.

return again to base, made 2 decks. thinkin bout day and night. the lonely loner seems to free his mind at night...

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i've made up my mind. noble ends can come from ignoble actions.

made a new enemy today, solidified in stone. time to get smarter.

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so...from what i hear, cops had to patrol against bars and liquor stores, cause of the st. paddy's parade? ...must we equate drinking and..?

flutie flakes, popcorn, fruit punch soda

my eyesight is so bad now-more accustomed to the darkness, and but still lookin for rays of light to guide me to my final destination.

woke up mid late, strugglin with my bed, feelin a lil irritated but also restless. stuck around fer a bit at home, got some good news bout a friend and her troubles.

went out to ymg, waited fer ppl to show up. killed some time in the park, playin horse and findin the errors in my shot. met up ivan and apparently he brought an acquaintance too.

came back to base, started to make shrimp alfredo w/fettuccini. got screwed up cause the cheese somehow created a bunch of oil in the sauce. decided to salvage most of it by de-oiling the mix.

wiki'd one of my old favorite shows, married with children. some tv, some games, some talk on the side, but nothin real deep. revelations in the back room, i spose. ponderin how tmr's gon go, what i wanna do, who i wanna spend time with, etc etc.

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if you're scient (observant, knowing) enough in any situation, watching for the tendencies, you can dig yourself out of it, rise up and perhaps overcome.

my wonder is how short or how long life's gon be fer me. my wonder is if i made a diffrence tnight or any other night in those lives i interact with, even for a lil while durin the days. whether or not they end up becomin better ppl, either from example or observation of my folly, it's important to even "feel" that change is being done.

tday, guess was a weird day. simplest of moments give my mind volumes to struggle with. yday, i'm wantin to eradicate myself of someone's presence, and tday it comes back. the so called "veterans" are playin the same trash. an unheard question led me to a proverb by C.S. Lewis on the train. even the briefest of talks... they help me understand and piece together what exactly my role is..

tmr, what does it mark? as i write this, listenin to anthony hamilton, i wonder if tmr is gonna be game filled, or gain filled. lookin further into the next month-possible clashes once again with my 2 organs. the phrase "life goes on"... makes it necessary to prepare for a life with and without, yknow?

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these nights, i never end them with a smile on my face. for once, i ask of one.

french toast, scrambled eggs, purple powerade

with all the money in the world, would your life really change? or would your inhibitions disappear, only to resurface as new vices?

woke up early, but dreamin about the game. thought i smelt pancakes, but it was french toast. ate my cheesy eggs while jonathan killed me at cooking.

copley-won some more games. new deck ideas. left around 4 to kill time at prudential to wait for shaq. saw someone get robbed of their ipod. hung around fer a couple hours, found a Playboy in the bathroom. went to shaws to pick up ingredients fer shrimp alfredo.

back to base, cleaned up some, ate leftovers and mulled over the day. tried to watch some dvd, but ppl got bored and tired. plannin fer tmr.

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it's a drag. the unique ideas i "have", now they're being listened to, and i don't want that. there's a reason why i made it that way-it worked for me, a large percentage of the time. now, if people are going to do the same thing, it's gonna lose its effectiveness.

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you know, i can't lie. now i'm startin to feel a little greedy too..

flutie flakes, purple powerade, beefaroni

i don't mind losing-the challenge is what keeps me comin back, an it makes it that much sweeter.

woke up early but still was feelin groggy. checked up on the job postin again, searched instead for the branch office online, and emailed them to make sure i wasn't gettin another hoax mail. went out, played some games, talked to some ppl. came back to base, ate a nice homemade meal and then lounged fer the rest of the night. don't think i ought to become a certified nursing assistant-cause i mean, i guess it's good on paper to have, but other than that, i have no justification to go for it. lulz don't count..

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every day gives me some time to reflect upon who i am, what i do, who i'm not, and what i ought to do. if anything, i learned that i'm too drawn to sympathy and intellect.

sympathy in the sense of understanding and on the level communication. intellect in the sense of tinkering around and curiosity. any endeavor that involves either or both of those values together puts me out there. fer most of these days, it would actually be discussing tactics of a certain game i play. tis sad, but it's my stimulant.

the other thing i learned tday is that i can be a real bully, given the proper circumstances. i rember a conversation i had with some friends, regarding murder and if i'd do it. guess if i can do somin small like this, then perhaps it is possible.

think i need to be outside again. outside of my bubble world in order to regrow my life.

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trips in and out of a possible ghost town next month.

flutie flakes, blue powerade

how do we actually save daylight? is this save as in...conserve, or save as in...to recover a loss?

after comin back from ymg las night feelin a lil fiendish, played games fer a bit then went to sleep. woke up next mornin, eat breakfast. found out i ran outta socks..eww. headed to service, caught up with a friend after, then headed to trellis. learned bout logic and syllogisms. lunch after at gourmet dumpling place-ended up seein 3 worlds "collide". food was so-so, felt a lil stomachy after.

came back, decided to whiffleball instead of monpoly. played some n64, then came back to base. entertained another friend, an now watchin tv. mullin oer what to do tmr, other than go to the bank and make dinner fer TWIGS ppl.

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service got me in the gut. expansion got me to wonder, while the sermon made me view my life in a different light. the thing that hit me the most was right in front of my eyes.

5+ years. gone. done. chapter of my life over. made one mistake, ok. a couple of mistakes that snowballed from it. pains me the most to see it, especially when an bad episode become the leading series.

no curse words, no anger, no regret. when i look at it, i see that from it, i wanted to become a better person. and i still do, not for those certain people anymore, but for the benefit of everybody.

*sigh*... don't think it'll er come back, cause i don't detect a heart. can only say i are friend first-and as long as they're in a better place than you can ever lead them to, then that's what matters.

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we let cruelty slip into our brains, like noxious vapors. when we express ourselves, we release it, but not purge ourselves of it.

instant noodles, orange juice

at one of the few points in life where havin a snow day doesn't matter fer me nemore.

woke up round 11ish with a funky dream in my mind bout dancin. played some games fer a bit, while eatin breakfast. found out that there's over 110% of the daily intake of sodium in it-ruined my taste. gettin yelled at too don't make my day either.

went to lib to take care of stuff. plans to start mentoring some ppl, if in fact they can get it out of their heads that their way, or the "pros" way is the best method. still seein that folks only respect the money line, or are too committed to their own ideals.

bk after, went to twigs. was a weird night, considerin all the semi-isolation that i felt/saw being caused by the couples. the few solaces i had, whether gaming or music, didn't seem to work out in the end.

back to base, phone call in hand, can't talk because the roommate's sleepin. dunno what i'm feelin now-the last couple hours are collapsin on me. noticed that on my ipizzle that the only categories of songs are either love or rap...

wantin to get away from the non-life i ever had.

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feelin this rancid taste in my mouth, simply because the path to happiness i want, i can never have.

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righ now, lookin fer ppl in life to understand. thinkin however, my mind and heart are really confused...