corn flakes, arizona iced tea

being 100% is the difference between flake and fake.

woke up with a weird dream about celebrities killin each other to be in my project. made a couple of phone calls to take care of graduation and other life requirements. went on the road fer a bit, and apparently i have speed issues.

came back to base, pumped up the bball, then went to peters park to shoot around. played 2 on 2, beat some white guys, lost to some black guys. sides really hurt, so decided to come back and call it a day.

decided to drink some cherry coke instead, and got sick. went out to somerville to pick up some stuff. major fail in all activities, primary an secondary. back to base once more fer some fried chicken dinner and tele plus games. mighta pulled somethin...somewhere..

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power lies in purity and simplicity. and it needs to be regained...

breathe in...breathe out.. let some gas puff :)

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no closing thought tday. caffeine hurts my head.

some freebase writing

sigh...where an how do i start? (simple, dummy, you type...)

so it's 4/24/2009, and what's on my mind? reflections on where my life's goin right now. as i go through the twists and turns, i find myself desiring many things, many people, many outcomes. ideally, i would wanna be self-sufficient in a couple years, or at least be out of this house fer a while. seems like my own uncomfortable prison cell.

days go in and out as i try to find a source of redemption and a calling or two to fill out. work has fizzled out, and i think once again i've stopped looking. this time around, i don't fear work as much as being put in a routine (even though my life now is currently in one). been glad that i haven't had to suit up, or wear a suit each day in order to be or feel productive. basic needs are still provided for, and a meager but salvagable income still comes in.

in the night, i seek something quieter and more fulfilling than the noises i hear from the tv, radio, ipod, and computer. gives me some time to read and understand, and definitely relax. (wait...relaxed isn't the right feeling...kinda feel...anxious, tense) anyways, my thoughts right now are centered or revolving around people. who are these people? these are the ppl who are in my mind stubborn.

no names, no judging, no rubbing it in...these are the folks who are goin through some things that they've resorted to handling it themselves. to further explain it would most definitely be trespassing, breachin of their trust, so i'm gonna let it pass. doesn't mean that it's not on my mind, and not a concern either. it's tough when you try to be a true friend and not some other occupation or fill some other role in someone's life.

what does that mean? well, basically, all it means is that instead of worryin bout how to get by day to day, some people should look forward into the future. (guess i gotta break out that corny metaphor of "if you continue on this path, where will you be in 5 years" sorta thing). yeah. i'm that old, and maybe overthinkin too much. but i'm thinkin for 2 people, so that's prolly why it's too much-the task wasn't meant solely fer me to embark upon.

some ppl worry that if they die, people won't notice. guess i'm worried bout that too, but moreso in the influence department, rather than my physical being. my legacy(?) if it could so be that, would be that i truly was unconventional and in doing so, was able to tap into true humanity. hmm...(perhaps that's not the right way to phrase it). oh well, it's somethin that my piddly mind can't express merely in voice. it's definitely an action thing.

-loveless world.

hmm, i swear i will eat that bread

ppl got too much pride. they gotta let it go, otherwise they'll be stuck in their rut fer life...this is how and who you become 10 years later.

woke up and checked, still no assignments yet. lost all my stuff in my account, gotta start back the hard way. went to catch jeff and jimmy, and was runnin around gov center and park street. out to orange julius, then to jimmy's place fer some chillin.

went to prudential, took care of some stuff. got bored an headed back to base. learnin to repractice my skills fer the big day, whenever that is..

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7 deadly sins. see them in a lotta folks. especially me. but it feels like i'm only a handful who are fightin against, and not simply a person who'll sit idly by. my understanding is that people indeed are like books, and that if you actually take the time to read them, you'll understand them. their twists an turns, ups an downs.

look hard enough, and you can find a reason to smile. guess that's why some guy called me mr. joker tday.

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the thing is, i find myself being happier when i help people instead of bring them down. dunno if that's a sign of maturity or not...if it is, guess i'm slippin then =P

need to change breakfast diet...

at 7 eleven, there were four different flavors and they were the same color. think i'm gettin ripped off...

woke up earlier than i planned. had to help someone take care of their election statement. also talked to an old annoyance, and i still want my debts paid. chilled at home fer a bit, while makin some phone calls and installin the same software.

headed out to prudential, played fer a bit. after that, went to this weird place in eastie, where i got rid of some junk, and saw the old neighborhood again. came back to base, need to clear up some discrepancies in my soul.

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knowledge is power. knowledge is responsibility. knowledge is a noun. =P

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we really can't change people, only entice them. how you do that though... gotta reach in the bag of tricks.

homemade mcdonalds, arizona tea

as i stood in the rain waitin fer the bus, i notice that the higher end vehicles can be identified in the night by their white headlights, whereas older cards have yellow.

woke up this morn, hopin to go to work. can't happen right now, caus technically i'm fired. chilled at base with jeff, cleaned the house a bit. headed out to pandemonium in the rain.

played some games, decktested, got some trades off, won another prize too. headed back to base round 9:30 after freebieing some wendy's. saw some messages, responded to them, had a nice conversation with an old friend. watchin some tv now, and plannin what to do tmr.

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don't let your heart get hard. by being human we are meant to hurt and be hurt, but as humans, we also have the privilege to feel and be felt. if it's the last thing i do in my life, it's to embolden my soldiers, my people, and apparently the women i know to stand strong.

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being poor sucks. having nothing sucks more, but having nobody... that's when you really don't have anything.

egg mcmuffins-homestyle, arizona ice tea

sensory overload and sensory deprivation are equally but differently dangerous.

woke up fer work with a huge pain in my back. took care of 2 blocks while bravin the chilly weather. on my way back, findin out they're shootin a movie in my neighborhood; maybe i can get a part as an extra or somin, break out.

back to base, a lil kid demonstrates why i should wear a belt from now on. chilled fer a bit, then headed out to brigham circle to check out possible apartments. would have to say mission hill has some small and crummy places. still need to figure out budgeting and who else would be there too and monies..

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they say having somethin is better than nothing. true, since even if one is evil, one knows what to combat. one who stands for nothing will indeed stand for nothing.

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gettin old and fat sucks. not trying to audition for Santa right now, dammit...

japanese food

the idea isn't merely that we're called to serve. it's knowing when, where, and how to serve. remember, it's all about the people, both who can encourage and lift you up high, and the people who are in need at that moment.

right now, been in philly fer a couple days. got away from work, from home, the drudgery of a perhaps repetitive card game and a daily routine which i can only describe as atrophic? (yeah, that's the right word).

pretty much have been doin nothin, cept spent time with a friend or two, go out and celebrate good friday, read, and listen to music. the weather pretty much destroyed most of my plans, or at least the plans set out by others. it's ok though-it's given me time to recoup, relax, read, and readminister some crucial parts of my life.

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the weekend's given me time to realize somewhat clearly what type of company i'd like to spend time with. without sounding too conceited or prideful, these people have to be sensible, somewhat responsible, have a willingness to change, a willingness to learn, and perhaps the most important above all, the ability to hope.

that doesn't mean necessarily i'm going to shun off those ppl who don't exhibit any or all of those qualities. rather, it's something in my life that i learn i have to accept positively, that in those aspects, some people i can't change. rather, it's by the grace of God that these people allow themselves to open up, and believe that there lies something greater for them in their lives.

even so, if not in company of such people, it would be in order to help others, i.e., ones who lack hope or "excel" in stubbornness. it would be in order to show that change can happen fer the better. and yeah, i know it takes some major convincing. i know, i'm not a cunning linguist, an orator, one who is crafty or even careful with my words. most ppl say i'm quite blunt, direct, and harsh even. but uh, that's cause i'm on the quest fer truth.

the point is, that even though i may not be the right one to convince, persuade, or even to carry out the task to the best of its quality, it's my duty, heh, they say...our calling, our livelyhood. what more can i do to serve and let people understand, by both being there, and living the life that both i proclaim and believe in? consistency is very key.

granted, there are gonna be some rough patches. the uh...road marked with good intentions, blah blah blah. not gonna say i'm gonna turn over "a new leaf" immediately. after all, it's the same leaf. let's say that...i'm gonna try to be more mature and responsible, even if it looks odd.

ah well. when i get back to boston, guess it'll be back to work fer me. the grind, the life, whatever it's called. to all my people, my warriors, my ones who need guidance, ones who are seeking...shine on. shine on.

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when i first came to philly, i wanted to be alone. now as i leave it, for perhaps the final time, all i really wanna do is be with people. funny how life plays itself out, huh?

cheese danish, orange juice

didn't know easter had a taste.

woke up an headed to work. the block was kinda slow, and outside was pretty cold. spotted some dogwalkers-two in particular stood out. a nice tibetan terrier, and this really fat lady with a tiny dog. got stuck on the second block since the mailboxes and names were all screwy.

came back to base to organize some stuff, and get the gb deck runnin. some lunch, then headed out with parents to pick up supplies in quincy apparently.

first stop was south shore plaza. most of the places fell into niche categories and most the old stores are gone. there's now a Lego store-they've gone a long way from simply bein bricks. other oddities such as Hot Topic, lingerie stores at every turn, and "stylish" maternitywear came out. checked out some furniture at bernie and phyl's, then off to walmart in search of shorts and a duffle bag.

that place was a lol-fest. every shorts model is supposed to be this 6 pack, thin, and built person. XL shorts show a guy with lovehandles. some dr. thunder soda, but not that thirsty. also checked out the feminine care section. tons of douches and condoms. also a massive bottle that looks like grape drink, except it's multi-purpose cleaner.

back to base, need to clean, correct, collect, and consume.

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on the drive back through our old neighborhood, lookin around and seein how much things have changed. small businesses, out of businesses, clothing stores, food chic, etc etc. and i wonder why there goes so much change.

it's cause we get bored. we need diffrent tastes. we're never fully satisfied. content, but not solidly settled, nor sold. that's why we get restless, why we leave our jobs, our spouses, our homes.

now, i dunno what interests accomodate you. i dunno how your life goes, but i know that we're all yearnin fer somethin to fill in us that, well, not a void, but to exterminate that continuous wanting of something more. what makes us completed?

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people are worth much more than money, although many a time we do put a price on them. insurance companies do it, we do it, politicians do it. know that money is a means to an end, not the end itself.

spanish dip, pita chips, french au jus, vbean frappuccino, perrier, hot fudge sundae

maybe that's my weakness-not aggressive enough when i need to make a final push.

woke up to get to work. had brunch at houston's near government center, with a nice talk about livin life. searched downtown fer some supplies, but none suitable. came back to base to get another jacket. headed to prudential fer a couple of games, and then off to pandemonium fer some fun. doing things isn't as important as figuring out how. back to base again fer dinner and checkin out how to absolve some issues involving life.

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if you never see it, then you can't get hurt? what a buncha bullsh..

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from my uncle: people don't plan to fail; they fail to plan.

white chicken, pasta, orange juice

I want some japanese food, right now. it's my favorite.

woke up early to get my hours in, also before the rain started too. the block itself was kinda lame, but most of the numbers were posted up. one place i had to wait a couple hours for clearance, because the management company needed my supervisor's ok.
another nice car on my routes,

after the weather started to go south, ate lunch and headed to prudential to get my game on. ended up gettin the short end of the stick after a bad trade, but got my needed materials. my Nth protege is doing well.

went to TWIGS, felt kinda bad, due to the seating arrangement. was out of it the whoel time, since i didn't eat yet. some good points made about validating the existence of God. some Bang! afterwards when i got thrashed. headed back the long way to base, and got to get some bake sale food at ABP.

back at base, checkin some emails, msgs. might be gettin sued by half.com soon, and might have to request a new computer fer work.

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couples eventually look the same. we saw it. oh boy, looks like i'm doomed...

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you can't hide it, and you can't schedule it. it's apparent, and there.

lasagna, cherry slurpee

hmm...perhaps i may have to start workin at night. no other way to fill in those hours.

woke up at 10:30, but struggled to wake. tried again at 1, and succeeded. made breakfast the easy way via microwave. checked out some wiki articles, and drafted a new deck idea. gonna use some real crap that no one uses, which is why it'll work. waited fer ivan to show up at my place. funny how he got pissed at me fer waiting at the wrong door the whole time...

after a couple games, headed out to church fer some wiffleball. was stinkin all day, but gettin my batting eye better. stuck around fer a lil bit to let some neighborhood kids participate. headed out to downtown to get a T pass and in hopes of findin a dufflebag. found out Champs was closed about 5 blocks from it. took the longer route back to base.

decktested a lil bit, chatted with some folk. figurin out my work schedule-the rain's gonna kill it, but i gotsta go, like the mailman.

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tday, i was reminded again that the life i have isn't mine. much joy derived from teaching ppl something, whether important or inane. tricky or sadistic. noble or destructive. in some way, we're all trained to be teachers, but i really don't wanna be one in the future.

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the truth will eventually hurt. are you man enough to face it, or do you duck it to avoid the lil pain?

a screwed up omelette on my part, powerade

what's good being #2 of 97, if you can't even beat an outlier more than once? =P

finally had more than 8 hours of sleep las night. weird dreams, but can't recall them now. woke up round 12, afternoon routined it. made some breakfast, which went south before, during, and after it was made. headed out to get some work done. as soon as i left the house, found out that i fergot my wallet and keys...

anyways, headed out to the block i was to cover. first place i ran into was a church,which i later found out i came in thru the side. continued round the block, started to rain a bit, but was doin ok. brought my iPod to prevent boredom, prolly not a good idea to sing Notorious B.I.G. in front of a 4 year old, no?

some ppl were really nice, other ppl were kinda defensive. one guy i agitated, because i called his house number, which was clearly on his doorbell. winds were screwin me and the gps signal, decided to put some gloves on. soon as i put both gloves on, got a phone call from ivan. finished the block in bout 4 hours, then headed back to base. dropped off the work materials, then rushed out with the house, tv dinner in hand.

ymg sucks...ppl don't trade fair, nor do they wanna challenge themselves at all. thinkin of makin a new deck soon, once the materials are found/proxied. pretty bored all the time there.

came back to base again, washed some dishes, makin dinner, plannin my next week.

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....i notice how chic the south end can be, but it feels so heartless. gated communities, urban renewal, and yuppies... face it, ppl aren't better when they have money; they either start good and fall, or they remain good when they have it.

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the question in my mind now isn't what i'm lookin for-it's who i'm lookin for. my mate, my compadres, my allies, my guidance, myself, my Lord.

honey bunches of oats

seeking comfort often leads us to the wrong decisions.

woke up, kinda drained from last nigh. job trainin's still goin on, the hardware wasn't registerin yet. a lot of messin around and boredom-got reamed fer sleepin again. went to get lunch at the somalian place again, but their electricity went out.

lunch was a weird talk about elitism and the mentally challenged, kinda made me sad. did fingerprinting and finished up with most of the mapping. got driven back to base by supervisor, took a nap fer some hours, then helped to unpack groceries. watchin jurassic park 3 on tv now.

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how stimulated are you really? what's your high? is it the right one?

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counting down...even if it's short.

honey bunches of oats, cherry 7 up

it's a challenge to be challenged. but, we need to be challenged in order to face challenges.

stayed up all night surfin the net and playin monopoly. bedded round 6:30, then woke up an hr later to do work hw. work was pretty lame, fallin asleep all the time. got bored and texted a friend some. found out later that i forgot to submit my personnel file.

came back to base, went to prudential in hopes of pickin up my stuff, no dice. got bored again, came back to base. doin laundry, watcihin tv, gotta do some groomin, and catch up on meals with sleep.

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no offense to anyone who has down syndrome, autism, mental retardation, etc.. at work, when ppl gotta compete against another, it's like fightin in a tournament in the consolation bracket, and even the winner is a "loser". i know it sounds really mean, and i don't mean it like that.. but it's the task of all to triumph over all. my words are sloppy tnight.

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i want to taste some sweet fruit. my mind misses it.