History repeats itself because I don't learn from my mistakes, or because I want to relive it again.Saturday morning started out quiet, playing video games and learning guitar. I still have trouble playing a D chord with the 4th finger. I might need a finger extension, or some extra bones. After that, I went to Morse Fish Co. again for lunch, ordering the fried Catfish at the last moment. Going well with ketchup, I killed a couple more hours at base, before heading out to see Immortal Technique. It was the first time going to a hip-hop concert, so I was looking forward to it, even though the place was pretty small. At this point, I realized I locked myself out of the house again when trying to get a Hubway bike. The concert was great. I saw names like Poison Pen, Mad Hoffa, The Circle, Diabolik, and Pumpkinhead. There was a lot of energy, humor, showmanship, and technical delivery, though a lot of the cliches of hip-hop were present as well. Nevertheless, it gave me much material to reflect upon. After the concert, I headed downtown to Burger King. There's a Yelp review (http://www.yelp.com/biz/burger-king-boston-12#hrid:OM9g8g7uWqUGx6walnF-jg/) which you can check out in case you need laughs. Sunday was full of BBQ, roast pork, pie, and diet Dr. Pete (which I highly recommend because it tastes like vanilla). We spent most of the time at our cousins' place playing Halo 2, Mortal Kombat, driving sims, and a whole bunch of other old school video games. Apparently, my cousins are into this new thing called "Minecraft". Crazy kids... Back at work now, and now I have to catch up from everything on the weekend. Hopefully, base didn't turn into an aquarium...
Monday, June 18, 2012
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Small Group Reflections 6/6/12
I'm not sure how to process this all. Being faithful to something while being faithless doesn't seem like the right path to go. It all looks so disjunctive and not flowing correctly.If there were any confirmation of thought yesterday, it is that God constantly tells us to defy and go against the grain in terms of conventional wisdom, of strength being inverted in the face of humility, that a savior would not come in the form of a warrior, but rather a man who seemingly came to accept his fate. I am disturbed by people who opt to speak as wise men, but sound like fools (present company included).At the end of the day, it seems that our causes, our purpose, our desires - they need to be validating and validated, and also that our source of strength, our reliance or what we can depend on must give us assurance, and give others assurance too. I feel like taking on the world today. Earthly consequences, pain, shame, grief, doubt - they appear to fly out the window of the mind.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Day 3 of Charlotte, NC
I simply wonder when I'm going to get back.
A lot of things that I've seen and heard are on my mind concerning the future of the nation, if not at least my job.
Tomorrow I head back home trying to understand more of this world around me.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Day 2 of Charlotte, NC
I've yet to find someone from the Carolinas who has a Carolinean accent.
I woke up this morning, and headed across the street to the conference room for our Day 1 training. The central air was running too hard. Also after going through that training case, I felt too much sympathy towards the fake family presented in the training.
For lunch, I went to the Kangaroo Express across the street to pick up a snack. Everything was cheaper there - a 14 oz Slush cost $1.20 and a 32 oz Slush cost $1.50. Cigarettes were $5 a box and for the brand name ones too.
I'm looking to check out the city either tomorrow or the day after if plans go well. Also, I'm looking forward to checking out the regional office to see what kind of pearls of wisdom we can learn there too. The weather's nice, and it hasn't rained yet. All is good for now.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Day 1 of being in Charlotte, NC
It's been a while since I was on a plane to somewhere, and I didn't have anything on my agenda. Getting out of the office was a refreshing change of pace, even though it's only been the first day.
The airport was fun. Instead of getting X-rayed, I let them pat me down and it wasn't as titilating as I thought it'd be.
The flight involved gorging myself on bags of Popcorners, which apparently is a new way of making popcorn, but into chip form. There was a Rick James documentary on VH1 and MTV Countdown of the most expensive Cribs ever. I didn't know that Richard Branson had his own private island. There were a lot of good ideas to decorate a house, but the Van Gogh paintings are a bit out of my budget.
There are huge bugs in North Carolina.
This room is awesome. If only I could get the normal internet working, then we'd be back in business. The lights are kinda dim though.
We're sorta in the middle of nowhere. It's an office park-like community, where there are schools, condos, businesses and stuff all around. It's like the area in Wellington, except without buses.
The weather is really nice too, but I hear it's gonna rain in the coming days. There's also a tornado warning but I don't think it'll touch down here.
There are only a couple hours left before hitting the sack. Time to make use of the fitness center, and then crash hard.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
QT reflection 2/6/12
How often do we look to the law to break the rules? Sounds funny, right?
I've been using this book I borrowed from Lee Yih to do daily devotionals. Most, if not all, of the reflections have some sort of practical application in terms of character, internals, and understanding the nature of Christianity on a day-to-day basis. In one of the things I read, I came across the idea of how if "we follow the 10 Commandments, then the requirements of the Law are satisfied." It makes sense that if we glorify God and don't screw over our neighbors, then we can be held blameless for what we do.
Often, I find myself being able or wanting to bend the rules without breaking them. Games are a prime example in our culture where's it's accepted and expected for you to do so. How far and to what depths of actions will you go through in order to achieve what you want?
Friday, January 20, 2012
small group reflections 1/17/2012
I love my small group for the diversity of opinion and reasonings people can give, along with the ideas they make me ponder about. I dislike my smal group because....(for that, you can ask me in person)
A lot of thoughts ran through my mind in small group this week, and a lot of questions came from it too. Without going into an uber-philosophical tirade, I find it helpful to at least mull about the implications of such questions and issues that popped up. Any one of these can be a good conversation in and of themselves, but for purposes of mental exercise, the thoughts about them will be short.
Can we still grow/change, even if we know the answers?
I liken it to a robot that has all the information in the world fed into it. It's at the apex of development where any other information would seem redundant. However, if there is nothing further for it to learn, can it become any better at all? In our walks of faith, we find that even if we do know what the Bible says, that our own personal development is stunted without being tested. Whatever testing that may be - we can still grow, whether by changing our perspective, rearranging our priorities, or understanding a greater importance.
Faith & works go hand in hand, but can you develop faith through your works?
It takes effort and will to develop faith. One can go about life easy and "believe" anything, but the main proof is whether you live your life on that belief thinking that it is or should be true. A child could believe in Santa Claus, but if they start buying their own presents and not wait for him to show up, then we would say that they don't believe in him, even though they declared it so. When we say faith, the connotation is that it's a good thing, particularly in the Christian realm. If one were to do good works continuously, without obligation to do so, I believe they start growing into that mindset of a deeper morality. One's mind begins to change, not simply because they are doing something, but rather because they're coming to a realization in their lives by doing do.
Who is in charge of the renewing of the mind?: (Romans 12:2)
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
People wanted to avoid talking about pre-destination. One person in our group believed that it's a joint effort. I can't consider any alternatives where it's 100% God or 100% man, since if it's 100% God, then He wouldn't need to renew it, and if it's 100% man, it wouldn't be possible since by nature we despise Him.
Are we replacing our thoughts or are we transforming them?
I don't think we are replacing our thoughts, though i can see that we do blur the lines. Sinful thoughts do and will exist, and it will happen. In one case, I can see us moving towards the point where certain desires are dulled out to the point, but are never gone. We are not "brainwashed" in the sense that there is some deviousness or malicious intent to change one's thoughts. Rather it is the forced choices that the world makes us make that if we were to choose a Godly perspective, that by not conforming to the patterns of the world, we are being mindless, stupid, ignorant, etc.
We are forced by choice, not by will, to choose between God and the world.
I talked about this before in the previous issue. I believe that our wills are blank slates in that they can be molded and not be preset. I think there is some part in all of us that desire to glorfiy God, but it's not recognized internally yet, or we're being distracted (i.e. other choices). Every decision we make up until the point of death is whether or not we choose God. It sounds melodramatic but I do believe it is realistic to believe so.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
fruity pebbles, crappy vegetable juice
It feels like a while since I actually blogged a personal reflection rather than a "hey, this is how my X went". Christmas was a good time for learning, but it wasn't something that I would have encountered had I not broken the rules of convention.
I was talking to a friend today, whom I hadn't seen in a while. While catching up with him, we went into a discussion of Reddit and the face of the internet today, that it revolved around social media. We also came to the conclusion of information overload, in that we're getting so much information. As useful as it is, we spend hours on ending soaking up all the information that we're neglecting our other duties, deluding ourselves in thinking that we're being productive.
That being said, I thought of something another friend said to me, that "I always tend to find a loophole in whatever is said." I think that is true, in that I do, but not for nefarious or underhanded reasons. Rather, I'm always looking to see things from the other side of the coin, and checking to see if I can make things better.
Concerning the loophole, it goes back to how the market plays itself out. On the one side, people are looking for one entity to depend on to get their information/services/resources. Yet people are afraid that if this entity gets too large and powerful, it would go out of control and effectively destroy everything around them.
On the other side, we're looking for straight efficiency and keeping costs down. It's why we outsource and use cheap labor, in order to push comparative and absolute advantage. However, seen from a different light, going about those methods means the end of unions and American jobs.
Constantly, I find myself having to act like a chameleon in order to meet the needs and demands of others. Again though, the conflictions continue and there seems to be no end.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Christmas 2011
It's not often that I get time off anymore unless I run away. That being said, being able to get out the house this Christmas allowed a lot of time of relaxation and reflection, without the rest. I spent the time with my uncle, aunt and their 3 kids and each one of them taught me a little something about myself surprisingly enough.
From my uncle: Love is rooted in resilience and humility. Often during the trip, I know a lesser man would have yelled and screamed at his kids or put down the hammer, but he was really cool about things. Being a workhorse for the people you love is admirable.
From my aunt: Sometimes you'll have to look like the bad guy to get things done. It's not that she was mean or anything, but from a comparative perspective, she was the bad cop in the Good Cop, Bad Cop scenario. It's not what looks nice, but what is right that matters.
From my 1st cousin: Patience is a virtue, and sometimes the ones you love will hurt you, knowingly or not.
From my 2nd cousin: Innocence and sympathy are not to be taken lightly in a world that's oppressive and constantly moving.
From my 3rd cousin: Empathy needs to be natural and not stilted or rehearsed, and also that the wonder in the world still exists, even if it starts on a small scale.
For myself, I'm learning lessons about how to be single and how to treat spouses and children. It was refreshing that none of this burden falls on my shoulders, but that in time, it comes as a second nature. Maybe next Christmas the story can change.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
thoughts on Occupy Boston
Guess I should have written this post earlier before the tent came down.
Having seen some of the aftermath of Occupy Boston, I had come to many realizations as to why it failed (at least in the short-term):
-A lack of leadership
-A lack of a final goal
-A solidified measure of success
-Lack of cohesiveness among the people
-Internal disputes
-Their depiction in the media
Those are only a small subset of reasons. For me, I had believed in at least some of the message, but disagreed in their execution of their plan. Perhaps in the future, these issues would be addressed. Above all though, the movement has to realize that they need to be about the people, and if they're really about the people, then they need to actually represent what the people want and to represent the people who are truly oppressed.
It brings me to my uncle, who is actually considered one of the 1%, but he acts like a 99%. Right now, I don't believe that the fight isn't merely about money or equality, but rather a change in behavior. More money doesn't cause problems per se, but rather the mishandling of resources is what we're protesting.
We act as if we can levy some sort of behavior on people who are much unlike us, and that they ought to understand our plight. In truth though, it's tough for anyone to be sympathetic to anything if you vilify them right off the bat. Sure, people are people and we do go through the same things, but remember; people are people - they have feelings too.
The fight isn't over for anyone - perhaps the attention is drawn away to other causes, but there's been a sour taste left in the mouths of the people.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
small group reflection 11/29/11
Another day, another time of reflection, hunger, and boredom.
I kinda zoned out of the sermon this Sunday, also talking to a friend about their high-school reunion and whatnot. We ended up discussing Acts and the characteristics of missionaries and the call behind missions. It's a sensitive topic in that we often feel compelled to do so but really don't know how, and can't really do it ourselves. As one person mentioned, it becomes somewhat of a impulsive cultural phenomenon. If anyone went to Urbana, they would understand; after hearing such inspirational tales of struggle, growth, hardship and understanding, one feels called to go out and do such a thing. However, it may not be the case that everyone, though called to do missions, is suited to do missions.
A thing we had talked about for the church in Antioch is how they were fasting and praying for their people. Fasting isn't something we too often do, other than perhaps saving space for a bigger meal, or using it as a time of reflection. More or less, I think about the physical effects and the reality behind it - giving up something consciously so that we refocus and sharpen our relationship with God. It works because in giving up one of our most precious needs, we seek to fill it, and when we start relying on God for that one need, we might be inclined to call on Him for other ones too. The question is though - do we necessarily need to give up food in order to get closer to God? Or rather is it that we give up something of utmost importance to us, so that we allow that dependance to grow? I doubt we're all gonna live lives like Job, having everything being taken away from us, and yet still praising God for who he is, but I do believe that we start stripping away the layers that bound us to humanity more and more, we start to see ourselves less and less within the presence of greatness. It's one of those feelings that leave you awestruck.
Another thought had confronted my mind in terms of how we on the base level are in touch with our missionaries. On the whole, I gather that unless we have a personal relationship or a close connection with a missionary directly, we find it difficult to understand and to know who our missionaries are and how they are. Realistically, it makes sense because while they're away in one location, living out a separate life and a separate calling, we are pursuing our own direction. We realize and understand that the call to missions is an important thing, but we've compartmentalized it in our minds so it's just another thing that occurs in our own little world. We seek and strive to be in touch with one another as a church family, but at the same time, we find it difficult when these barriers are put between us. Even more so on a practical level for our church, I felt compelled to enter the Cantonese Fellowship. Even though my language skills aren't great, and even though I'm of a different culture, it pains me to not know what the other side of the church is going through. We are part of the same "family", yet we don't even know each other - we don't interact and mingle unless we're put together the very few times of the year. In the same way, I think that's what happens to us - we get caught up, and we see the idealism in the act, but confront and resolve ourselves to the realities we set upon ourselves.
That night, I thought about how we have to start seeing missions as a way of life and not merely a process. Whether or not we cross the ocean or cross the street, we are missionaries in our own right. It shouldn't be a standardized process where the steps are laid out before you. Back then, it was fluid, organic. People saw and confronted the needs of the people on the spot and they lived like the locals. They didn't come in with a "we're better than you and we need to give you aid because we're better off" sort of mentality. They didn't have a cushy world to go back to because the missions call was their life - at the end of the missions trip, they didn't come back to comfort necessarily.
It makes me think about where my place is too. Not simply on a missions scale but how I fit into this overall plan. Maybe I'm meant for destruction and someone was meant to stop me.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
sermon reflection
I wanted to gather my thoughts right now, but a lot of short term things have been on my mind, mainly the toilet not working at base.
Within this week, I'm confronted by the future - both for my career path and for my life. I've settled into a routine that is both mind numbing and relaxing at the same time. I wanted to spend time with family on both sides, and I did, but not in the super cool grandson secret agent style that I thought I could pull off.
My life's desires are still the same; in fact, after mulling over the sermon today, I feel even more entrenched in my way of thinking in that the world is still going to be an enemy to the cause of good. It's never going to allow people to take breaks, slow down, and enjoy the simple things in life, mainly because every amenity, every pleasure, every basic freedom now has a price tag on it.
I want to say that this world could be a better place if we all worked together to achieve the same goal and that if we pooled together our resources, we could achieve anything. But the people aren't ready for that. They're afraid of change and what true power they can actually have if they can accomplish what's on their hearts and minds. That is why a mass of people are threatening - it's not their number, it's their potential.
Yet, we've squandered our potential for too long. We've kept to our own devices, and we've let people and other priorities slip through the cracks. It's why we hurt, it's why we ponder, it's why we feel guilty and ashamed of ourselves.
I want it to end tonight and every night. My hope isn't for a fallen world. It's not for total redemption either though.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
reflections from small group
am wondering if i'm dropping the ball at work and if i'll have a slow but abrupt demise.
Though I didn't show up for the first half of the sermon on Sunday, I arrived in time fer the main point in how we're opting for community with each other and God, whether we know it or not, and that our relationship with God alone cannot suffice for our lives.
Questions were asked today, ranging from the "what if" to psychoanalysis of Adam to the imposed characteristics of animals, so on and so forth. I had wondered for a bit whether this was a sermon that implicitly made sense the connection between man and woman and that it was to be some sort of eternal destiny. That question was never really answered, though the vibe of the talk and the feel of the room made it so, but I couldn't tell.
Community - the issue of what it is, and why it is so special. Why is it that we can't live alone, living with the animals? We can't, it seems because they can't fully know us and love us, nor we can do that to them. Humans supposedly can, and it's also the only way we know how. However, the community seems to imply the mix of people, versus an entire body of sameness. Not saying here that an Adam and Steve would make it work, nor implying that "love is the answer to everything" scenario, but I guess it's the entire image of God composed by those two types of being - man and woman. Both created without sin, one from another, but to represent the same Sovereign Creator.
We also talked about the idea of vulnerability and shame. When I think vulnerability, I think of a suit of armor. Vulnerability means that a part is not at its peak shape and that it is susceptible to attack. Most people don't look to be vulnerable, and most vulnerability is hidden. Some is feigned too - people invite others in, but to ensnare. However, in this vulnerability, there is progress, because there is development. This development only comes if someone wants to actually create something and not destroy. Too often people can look, find and capitalize on someone's vulnerability for their own gain. In a sense, by sharing vulnerability with another, one could also gain from that too, if they aren't genuine in their intent (At this point, I believe people have heard that cliche saying already).
Shame and judgment are inseparable. People feel ashamed because they feel insufficient, or because they have not lived up to a standard imposed to them by someone else or themselves. Regardless of party, there is judgment there, but there is also the reaction. There can be disregard for the judgment and there can be repentance.
On top of that, there was the practical application of how to foster such an environment where brothers and sisters are loving and known to each other. One option was for people to be bold but discerning in sharing. The other is to create a safe environment of love. As I write this, I believe both can be sought in an ideal, but either scenario fully accomplished (at least with the presence of sin) would be destructive.
Boldness is only bold and most effective when others aren't. When you have a setting where that is the majority, it becomes the norm. Suddenly, boldness isn't normal and isn't striking. Within the context of sin, if it doesn't hit hard, people let it slide. The same would go in a safe environment, where nothing can crack the shell. We may rebuke, but if the people feel no repentance, then people may feel that it's only a place to be freely absolved, and that actually isn't the case without the context of sin.
Reactions are also out of our control in general, especially if we are vulnerable and not ready for it. Right now, I'm striking a delicate balance between saying I can't judge anyone for anything because only God can rightly do so, versus scrutiny of the actions. Both extremes are bad. The toughest problem out of all of this is realization. Realization of facts, reality and actualities - that we are alone, that we are sinful, that we struggle, that not every star shines, and not every night is peaceful. How do we reconcile and live our lives differently? How do we live them better, and how do we live them right?
In the beginning and in the end, the movements of life start with one man.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
first week of work
So a lot of people heard that I was pretty anxious about going to work this week, anticipating the best or at least being motivated to do so. After the first week, I am finding it quite difficult to be there.
What we do is important, but as many of others in that position or similar roles, we don't get a lot of appreciation or perks. Trying to do things for the greater good is hard when people aren't treated like people. We are not machines, yet we're expected to act as perfectly as they do. We get no repairmen, we get no excuses, we are what you want to do, but not what you want us to be.
Who we are is not where we want to be. This is the basis, the fundamental reason why we grumble and take things hardly. This is why we reject your notions, this is why we rebel, this is why we occupy streets and other locations of high business density.
Tonight isn't the beginning of the war, and neither is it the end, but we're ready to fight it to the bitter end. It's bitter, cause it leaves a bad taste in our mouths and the tears, though salty, are also acrid by the skies you pollute.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Lost my phone
I started out Columbus Day weekend by losing my cell phone again. This time though I wasn't able to retrieve it from the MBTA. Instead, one of my friends told me that the person was from Roxbury and they wanted a reward. I thought about it for 2 days, having lived life off the grid but at the same time a bit worried that someone might have been called. On Monday, I decided to go get a new phone and not deal with this person.
Factors leading up to the decision:
1) I called my phone at least 10 times during the 2 day period at various times of the day, figuring I'd reach the person. No answers whatsoever, which was particularly odd because this person wanted a reward. How are you gonna get one if the owner can't contact you?
2) After getting a random text from someone, I returned a phone call and found out that random texts were being sent from my phone at the time. Why am I going to reward you for wasting my money without my permission?
3) This person's location, without much details and having some prior insight, dissuaded me from going there without having a backup plan.
As much as I wanted my classic crappy phone back with its numbers, I figure it wasn't worth the hassle to make up resources to get it back.
The whole ordeal got me thinking about understanding people from both ends, and our society as a whole today. Nowadays, where income is scarce, opportunity is rare, and anonymity is high, this would have been a prime time for said person. My wish is that this person would have gone through more noble means rather that through coercion - even if they were actually in need, they would have done better off by helping someone in the long term rather than satisfy their own temporal desires. People are short-sighted when there seems to be no end to a dream.
I realize that I desire items of nostalgia too much, and put too much faith in the hope that humanity can be redeemed. I also see that I am adventurous but at the same time a risk-taker, and that I need to be kept in check. Yet I still need someone to understand why I do the things I do. Above it all, my life now is spent trying to live outside of time, trying to encapsulate past, present and future into one movement.
Friday, October 7, 2011
reflections from Faneuil Hall
I took a stroll through Faneuil Hall after a job interview. I haven't done that for fun in a while, and it was the perfect time to do so, having went through a long week of disappointment. I remember an article on CNN about women, particularly teens, who were agonizing about their body size, trying to reach that magical number - size 0. Not actually knowing what a size 0 was or even looked like, I stopped by some of the retail stores in the area.
I first went to Ann Taylor, looking for something to compare to. They had it, but they also had an even smaller size called size 0 Petite, which is apparently for shorter women. It was on the second floor, so I decided to take a look. The size difference isn't that much greater, but what threw me for a loop was the mannequins. They say that petite is for shorter women, but the mannequins they used were for taller women.
I then stopped by Victoria's Secret and learned more about the fashions and functions of brassieres. What was weird was when I looked around the store - no woman's body shape looked even slightly similar to what the models presented on the window poster. I know that the fashion industry adopts an elitist standard, and that we shouldn't assume that what they advertise is the norm, but even still, most women and girls don't look like that unless they are naturally skinny, or even malnourished.
As I sat down on a bench, eating my chicken salad sandwich, I look around and see people have given up on their lives. Perhaps not in the suicidal sense, but letting themselves go, physically and mentally. The same fashions, the same physiques, people falling into archetypes way too frequently.
I don't wonder anymore if money is the root of evil, nor its want even, but just people...
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Funerals
First off, I'd like to thank Pastor Raymond Yeung. I went to his funeral today, not remembering who exactly he was until I saw his picture again. Because of him, my family is Christian. Without him, I might have became a Buddhist (and hooked up with someone) or practiced ancestor veneration (and hooked up with someone). I suppose that within the infinite wisdom and grace of God that things have happened the way they do. Also, if anyone knows the short version of my name, it'd just be weird if I weren't anyways.
As I went through the procession, I couldn't help but think why funerals hit the family so hard. I think it's because when you're at the cemetery and see the coffin right before it goes into the ground, that the realization hits. It is the realization that you'll actually see this person in your life for the last time. It's an odd feeling, but it comes from knowing that your life runs relatively stable, in the fact that the people you know age and work at the same pace as you. Even though you're 30-40-50, your friends and stuff will still feel like the same things grew up with, but never really left.
It's also hard on the family because there will be a physical emptiness, a void left to be filled. The dinner table chair, the barcalounger at home, the one less voice you hear - all reminders that indeed life is gone. It's funny how we mourn and are joyful at the same time, having believed that though the person is physically gone, the spirit has gone to a better place, one without pain, persecution, strife and struggle, and in that the next life lies infinitely greater pleasure. Still, it doesn't erase the feeling of pain, especially when we focus on the real aspects of the loss versus the big picture.
Two people take care of my brother's gravestone. Both question who does the work while the other is absent. I try not to answer the question, because it would only create a tension that distracts from the real issue. It's sad that it's come to a point where both parties think they're speaking for the best of the deceased, when in actuality he doesn't have a voice, per se in how his own memorial ought to be treated. The greater issue is whether or not people can still work together.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Who says hello anymore? I do.
To that girl who ignored me this week, it's alright. People got things to do, places to go, people to see. I know I did - that's why I had a Choco Taco for free.
It's been a while since I last blogged. It's not that I haven't found the motivation, or a lack of content to write about. Quite the contrary, a lot has been on my mind for the past couple of months. Work, relationships, money, future, and the past have all played a factor as to what I've been doing today. However, a little birdie brought me to write this particular post, one about keeping things in perspective.
Blogging is my haven. It's my venting ground, my announcement board, my soap box, my diary. It's entertainment, philosophy, comedy, sadness. It's unedited, non-sequential and from the heart. It's me and myself. Nowadays, blogging has become more of a business, rather than a method of personal expression. Businesses have blogs, movements have blogs, even imaginary characters have them. Why must you not be yourself in order to sell something? Why must you go out of your way, to be unnatural, to set up an adventure, to advertise an activity, to push your next product?
Putting up the facade over the internet is easy. Sure we've found ways to cyber-stalk, and generally find out more information about others, but on the whole, people can still remain anonymous. Internet chat rooms of debauchery and hatred, Xbox Live where absurdity blossoms, and yes, Nigerians can still scam your dollars away.
We can advertise all the good things in our life, in order to be a bastion of hope or a boat of boastfulness. We can push all the sadness into the light as a cry for help, a suicide call, an attempt to cure human loneliness.
I wonder now if I had no face - could someone go through life without a physical identity? Even the lack of identity now can be considered one, but with the lines blurring where life imitates are and vice-versa, is it really possible?
Nevertheless, it's important to be yourself, in whatever capacity that means to you. The sheer overwhelming number of societal elements doesn't mean you need them to function - why must you iPhone it? Why must you identify with this major group?
My life goal of fading away into legendary obscurity is slowly happening.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
I'm saving lives by using Microsoft Excel and the internet.
So ends the first week of work. It's been a huge transition, from when before, i had mad time to read and get in shape, to now when I'm scrambling to read articles and wash the dishes before a proper bedtime. It's not the life I envisioned at this point-figured I'd be dead by now, having done some stupid motorcycle stunt. Thanks Pops, your current life has saved mine.
Having read the job description, I came in with high hopes about a proactive position, where I'd be running around, everything fast-paced, people-oriented, meeting with the big wigs. Expectations are a funny thing if you have none, or the improper ones.
Work right now is pretty slow. The typical day involves staring at a computer, cracking jokes, and taking long lunches. Every once in a hour, I'll ask about my assignment or take long walks down the corridor to my private sanctuary with the white throne. With the sun being out now, there's even more of an incentive to escape the solitary cube.
I'm not sure how I feel about this place. Though it's only temporary, the comforts are there. The long-term of the position as a possibility has me wondering which direction this would lead me in the next five years. I suppose it falls into my general goal of wanting to help people, but it hasn't solidified itself in a specific action or working.
Why, I don't know. All too often, I wish to remain unattached, no allegiances to anything, having allies in all departments, being a jack of all trades instead of a one trade shovel. Professional development never really crossed my mind, and if it ever did, I never found it all that important. Life will find a way (provided people understand the human nature of the work, rather than the mere acts of finishing assignments.)
At the end, I know I'm not going to be rich. It'd be nice, but I wouldn't want it to be mine. I'm going to still continue to work hard though so that others are going to enjoy this life instead. Having really no other motivation but to "do it for the people", I dredge forth, knowing that I'm a part of something bigger.
Knowing that I won't understand the grander picture yet, only hoping now to blur myself into the lines.
Monday, May 9, 2011
i have nothing to say
i'm not a hero, but i'll come to your aid.
i'm not a villain, but i can make you afraid.
i'm not a lion, but i got strength in my heart.
i'm not a mouse, but i sneak in the dark.
i'm not a leader, but i can guide you the way.
i'm not a follower, but i'll hear what you say.
i'm not a genius, but i'm deep into thought.
i'm not a dummy, but i'm always being taught.
at the end of the day, we're all thankful that we're not something, and grateful that we are something else.
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