or whatever they call it in terms of recurring events. day 1 of bein back home.
so i guess you can call my time at boston, semi-vacation, extended. woke up earlier than expected this morn, din't check the clock. went back to bed and rewoke 15 minutes before noon. watched pokemon 3: the movie on tv, ate some cookies, played some games and generally was bored this afternoon.
went with my relatives to jin (again) fer i guess a chinese new year dinner.
highlights from the meal:
-cousin's kid kissed another cousin's kid on the lips
-mango slush drink
-basketball on the tellyscreen
-had to make improptu earplugs, due to lion dance performance inside
-gettin my appetite back
back to base, might have a plan for the summer, but would involve abandoning boston again...righ now, wouldn't seem to hurt. prolly gonna take it easy the next week or so, cure up, and then out on the streets fer work.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
li wong baos, crack drink
Into the fray once more. don't know if permanently, but the ver least I gotta get here to find out
After a wiki session that kept me up till 3 am, woke up @ 930 to finish packin. Headed out the door round 1020 into a snow squall. About 40 blocks, 2 bags slowed down by inches. Got on the bus at 11, and travelled all afternoon. ETA prolly round 7 pm.
Maybe grab some dinner, work on some required writings, then to sleep, preppin fer a long day tmr. No solid plan, only a buncha tasks to get done.
===========================
Don't know what I want to accomplish here. Fer now, I want to be able to live comfortably without the hassles of the past burdening me. Cept there's gon be ver little initial support. Sigh...
But I know that whener I try to get to that point of evrythin bein ok, life sweeps me off my feet once again. At least it's better to have th*t hapnin now, rather when there's a lot more on the line and a lot more to have lost. Character buildin experience, yknow?
To that end, I gotta start somewhere and be open to unconvebtional notions. Notions of trust, humility, servitude, and boldness. Those types of attitudes do not come oernight, which is somethin I'm constantly bein reminded of. Again, it's not of my own ability, but of somethin greater.
Now to live out in for the truth
After a wiki session that kept me up till 3 am, woke up @ 930 to finish packin. Headed out the door round 1020 into a snow squall. About 40 blocks, 2 bags slowed down by inches. Got on the bus at 11, and travelled all afternoon. ETA prolly round 7 pm.
Maybe grab some dinner, work on some required writings, then to sleep, preppin fer a long day tmr. No solid plan, only a buncha tasks to get done.
===========================
Don't know what I want to accomplish here. Fer now, I want to be able to live comfortably without the hassles of the past burdening me. Cept there's gon be ver little initial support. Sigh...
But I know that whener I try to get to that point of evrythin bein ok, life sweeps me off my feet once again. At least it's better to have th*t hapnin now, rather when there's a lot more on the line and a lot more to have lost. Character buildin experience, yknow?
To that end, I gotta start somewhere and be open to unconvebtional notions. Notions of trust, humility, servitude, and boldness. Those types of attitudes do not come oernight, which is somethin I'm constantly bein reminded of. Again, it's not of my own ability, but of somethin greater.
Now to live out in for the truth
Sunday, January 11, 2009
honey roasted cereal, crack drink
extrapolating experience from even the most mundane of places.
tday i spent all day in somerville tryin to hock stuff off. clearly i am still part of this community that i don't want to be a part of. at the end of the night when comin back with a couple ppl, still felt that kind of loserish feelin along with a bit of isolation and stupidity.
but from what little i did tday, was able to build a connection with some folks, even if it were with superficial means. guess that's how our minds can comprehend such a reaching out. but it's ok, cause i know there are worse ways we could do it.
anyways, i've come to the conclusion (and perhaps some paralleling allegory) that i once again can't work via agendas. the balancing act is so fragile and so important to the sanctity of the human spirit...wait, lemme back that up, cause that sounds like bs. pretty much, there's a time to talk, a time to listen, and a time to let others screw up, while there are other times to step in and prevent ppl from shootin themselves in the foot.
tnight, i leave with this thought. in the company of men/women/animals/whatever, you can't go in their with expectations. sure, you can have some sort of norming standard built on rational thought. no prolem with that, but i guess you gotta keep your mind open and ready for how the winds blow.
one week left until real life resumes. haven't been prayin bout it much nor thinkin bout it. all i wanna do is get away again, and let life take me. wanna let the burden of responsibility embed like a knife, but also be a support rod. too little pressure right now, but too much implied importance.
need some air(,) to breathe.
tday i spent all day in somerville tryin to hock stuff off. clearly i am still part of this community that i don't want to be a part of. at the end of the night when comin back with a couple ppl, still felt that kind of loserish feelin along with a bit of isolation and stupidity.
but from what little i did tday, was able to build a connection with some folks, even if it were with superficial means. guess that's how our minds can comprehend such a reaching out. but it's ok, cause i know there are worse ways we could do it.
anyways, i've come to the conclusion (and perhaps some paralleling allegory) that i once again can't work via agendas. the balancing act is so fragile and so important to the sanctity of the human spirit...wait, lemme back that up, cause that sounds like bs. pretty much, there's a time to talk, a time to listen, and a time to let others screw up, while there are other times to step in and prevent ppl from shootin themselves in the foot.
tnight, i leave with this thought. in the company of men/women/animals/whatever, you can't go in their with expectations. sure, you can have some sort of norming standard built on rational thought. no prolem with that, but i guess you gotta keep your mind open and ready for how the winds blow.
one week left until real life resumes. haven't been prayin bout it much nor thinkin bout it. all i wanna do is get away again, and let life take me. wanna let the burden of responsibility embed like a knife, but also be a support rod. too little pressure right now, but too much implied importance.
need some air(,) to breathe.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
on the bus back from NY
Sigh. I got so many thoughts runnin thru my head as usual. Everytime somethin like this happens, I find it easier to deal with by explicating the truths before me. Gives me a solid state of ground to work with.
Anyways, I am done. With school, that is. Barring I don't fail any classes, you can say that I am a college graduate. Wooters! (No, that sounds lame) but it's important that I am past this point in my life, considering some of the ppl I know didn't go that far.
(Mmmm...that scent is still around me now..)
Comin to college, I didn't really plan anything out. I figured that wherever I went, I would get an education, be ok with it, get a job, family, and be done with it. Clearly that is not the case.
Fer me, I came to la salle in order to satisfy my personal agendas. Wanted to get away from the high school ppl I knew. Wanted to start a new life, knowin new ppl. Also went to pursue a girl (oy..) But knowin or feelin that ppl would forget about me. Simply because I'm not a cool guy. I don't hold ppl's attention like some popular ppl or whatnot, nor am I interestin enough to do so, but neways...
One of the other things that brought me out there was that I wanted to instill in myself a Christian upbringing. Around my senior year, I was feeling my spiritual life wane, particularly because I saw it so tied to my brothers and sisters. With them gone, I felt myself slowly dying.
So I came here, and the first couple of years were a drag. I was very introverted and kept to myself (to a certain point, I still am, but I'm a lot more open and vocal when the time comes).I didn't drink, have sex, do drugs, join a frat, whatever. Solely I was focusing on my needs-education and self preservation.
Sophmore year I was a bit more social. Found a small group of friends and met some ppl along the way. Also was able to find a "replacement fellow" that offered me a sense of community and spiritual growth. Also didn't hurt to have some eye candy too :p
Junior year I think I relapsed into the whole "be by myself" phase. However this was more of a test, to see how well I could handle life on my own, so to say. I can honestly say that I liked it, but I needed ppl in my life to be the fuel, to make it interesting. To make life worthwhile.
Progressively, I was trying to become a better person, a self-made man, a stronger Christian. I would put myself more on the line by gradually showing up and being vocal. I knew that some ppl would overlook the efforts I had been making, but my coscience was all in it. As long as I made the moves, I could not hold myself to any fault, even if it did hurt inside.
Senior year was a flurry. Presented with the opportunity to graduate early, I tooik it so in order to leave the prison that I had a part in creating. Financial reasons as well as personal satisfaction and wanting to return to my homeland were my key motivations. But plans always change in my life, and even if I did plan, there would have been no way to stop things from happening...
I am confronted with many possibilities now. Now' I don't want to go home becsuse that is where the fights, the strife, the conflicts occur. Home to me presents the harsh realities of my life that were conveniently hidden whilst I was in Philly. Home is a place where ppl have found new relationships and have been slowly disconnecting from others. Home is unnatural to me-it feels like a hotel, rather than a hotbed of communication. And home is not where my heart and soul have been for the past 3-4 years.
My heart, my love, my being is with and for the people. Granted some ppl in my life have stood out to me as to whom I lavish more favor, desire and attention to, but I am realizing that this shouldn't be the case. To love and to care genuinely is to help a stranger the same way you would help a friend in need. No special treatment to anyone, because the goal is to treat everyone special. I hope that I've been doing that and living my life in such a way for others to know. To know that there is a pure love out there for them, a helping hand, a relatable soul. I don't put it out on my own efforts but am guided and comforted by the One above who grants me these opportunities and desires to do so. Know that like Him, I will always be here, and I will always love, 24/7/365. Even if it does look different, know my intentions well-transparency is key.
But truth...I'm on break now. 1ish month to relax, hang out, get money, find work, and a place to be around for the next X years. It's gonna be tough especially at these times of uncertainty. I am a man who does not plan, but only looks to the future, for sustenance, for hope. I have learned that wherever I go, and whatever I've done, God has fulfilled my needs, and certainly had given me more than I ever expected or even wanted. (Makes me breathe a sigh of wonder and amazement) what do I do now? Get crackin.
The roads are dark and lonely, but I know that I am not alone in heading towards my final destination...in more ways than one ;)
Anyways, I am done. With school, that is. Barring I don't fail any classes, you can say that I am a college graduate. Wooters! (No, that sounds lame) but it's important that I am past this point in my life, considering some of the ppl I know didn't go that far.
(Mmmm...that scent is still around me now..)
Comin to college, I didn't really plan anything out. I figured that wherever I went, I would get an education, be ok with it, get a job, family, and be done with it. Clearly that is not the case.
Fer me, I came to la salle in order to satisfy my personal agendas. Wanted to get away from the high school ppl I knew. Wanted to start a new life, knowin new ppl. Also went to pursue a girl (oy..) But knowin or feelin that ppl would forget about me. Simply because I'm not a cool guy. I don't hold ppl's attention like some popular ppl or whatnot, nor am I interestin enough to do so, but neways...
One of the other things that brought me out there was that I wanted to instill in myself a Christian upbringing. Around my senior year, I was feeling my spiritual life wane, particularly because I saw it so tied to my brothers and sisters. With them gone, I felt myself slowly dying.
So I came here, and the first couple of years were a drag. I was very introverted and kept to myself (to a certain point, I still am, but I'm a lot more open and vocal when the time comes).I didn't drink, have sex, do drugs, join a frat, whatever. Solely I was focusing on my needs-education and self preservation.
Sophmore year I was a bit more social. Found a small group of friends and met some ppl along the way. Also was able to find a "replacement fellow" that offered me a sense of community and spiritual growth. Also didn't hurt to have some eye candy too :p
Junior year I think I relapsed into the whole "be by myself" phase. However this was more of a test, to see how well I could handle life on my own, so to say. I can honestly say that I liked it, but I needed ppl in my life to be the fuel, to make it interesting. To make life worthwhile.
Progressively, I was trying to become a better person, a self-made man, a stronger Christian. I would put myself more on the line by gradually showing up and being vocal. I knew that some ppl would overlook the efforts I had been making, but my coscience was all in it. As long as I made the moves, I could not hold myself to any fault, even if it did hurt inside.
Senior year was a flurry. Presented with the opportunity to graduate early, I tooik it so in order to leave the prison that I had a part in creating. Financial reasons as well as personal satisfaction and wanting to return to my homeland were my key motivations. But plans always change in my life, and even if I did plan, there would have been no way to stop things from happening...
I am confronted with many possibilities now. Now' I don't want to go home becsuse that is where the fights, the strife, the conflicts occur. Home to me presents the harsh realities of my life that were conveniently hidden whilst I was in Philly. Home is a place where ppl have found new relationships and have been slowly disconnecting from others. Home is unnatural to me-it feels like a hotel, rather than a hotbed of communication. And home is not where my heart and soul have been for the past 3-4 years.
My heart, my love, my being is with and for the people. Granted some ppl in my life have stood out to me as to whom I lavish more favor, desire and attention to, but I am realizing that this shouldn't be the case. To love and to care genuinely is to help a stranger the same way you would help a friend in need. No special treatment to anyone, because the goal is to treat everyone special. I hope that I've been doing that and living my life in such a way for others to know. To know that there is a pure love out there for them, a helping hand, a relatable soul. I don't put it out on my own efforts but am guided and comforted by the One above who grants me these opportunities and desires to do so. Know that like Him, I will always be here, and I will always love, 24/7/365. Even if it does look different, know my intentions well-transparency is key.
But truth...I'm on break now. 1ish month to relax, hang out, get money, find work, and a place to be around for the next X years. It's gonna be tough especially at these times of uncertainty. I am a man who does not plan, but only looks to the future, for sustenance, for hope. I have learned that wherever I go, and whatever I've done, God has fulfilled my needs, and certainly had given me more than I ever expected or even wanted. (Makes me breathe a sigh of wonder and amazement) what do I do now? Get crackin.
The roads are dark and lonely, but I know that I am not alone in heading towards my final destination...in more ways than one ;)
Monday, December 8, 2008
ministrone, fruit, grape juice, beef sandwich, danish
realized how i haven't fooded my notes in a while. think i'm eatin better now.
had trouble sleepin this mornin-cold room, no blanket, talkin to ppl last night, but i managed. spent all morning in bed, talkin out loud, thinkin bout the future, present, ppl, etc etc.
had brunch at noon, then came back to base. motivational posters, then crack napped fer a bit. got my bus exam to study fer. from what i'm readin, almost all financial institutions are subject to the same growth and risk patterns.
fin'd the exam-wasn't as bad as i thought-but i got some really easy questions wrong. oh well, 1 down, 3 to go.
countin down the days till end of the semester, and most likely a new chapter in my life.
=====================================================================
the last couple weeks have been...tumultous and unexpected. being confronted with the real possibility of being left in the dust, social, economically, physically, mentally, emotionally-it's all there. it's a time to step up, to get out there...get a job, find your own place, you're an adult...all that jazz and hooplah.
but i'm not used to it, and i'm not ready. yknow, i've been a student pretty much all my life. it's been, boom! wake up, cram/do homework, go to class, sleep, rinse, repeat. how do i get used to and introduce myself to a life where you're yknow...another one of the crowd? one in a hundred bazillion people, wakin to go to work, early commute, hittin the grind...that's not me. it's not what i want to be.
so many points in my life, i imagined what i'd be when i grew up. wanted to be a trucker, wanted to be an adventurer like Indiana Jones, wanted to be a lawyer, politician, psychologist, entrepreneur, informal corporate officer...grug.. not cut out for the 8:30-6 office cube/desk job, whatever you wanna call it. i wanna be out there-independant, free, and for the people.
yknow, i wanna give back to the places i've been, the communities, the hangouts i had, the places that i took fer granted so much, and returned so little a contribution. i wanna create change, i wanna inspire people, i got a big picture on my mind. but, in this world now, you need the tools. you need the cash, you need the position, positioning and connections. you gotta brownnose, you gotta take the accepted way to get up there, and you gotta pay your dues to get it done.
but i can't accept that. we are stuck in a rut where we believe our paths in life are so predetermined, that a certain sest of opportunities are available to you solely based on your career choice and areas of expertise. where are the transitions? can you be connected in many other industries?
perhaps i'll find something to do. maybe i won't; who knows? maybe successful, maybe not-doesn't matter to me. all i wanna do is be out there fer the people. if i could, i'd ask someone to leave it on my tombstone-the man's got soul. not the soul that's about jazz and funk, (although it might be nice to have, if i ever understood of it). the soul he's got-it's fresh, it lives throughout time, it crosses hearts, breaks down barriers-it's real, it feels and it's good.
neitzsche once said that the authentic man can't be defined. don't trip...
=========================================
everything in life is a bonus.
i see everything given to me, whether good or bad, triumph or trouble, conflict or resolution, as plusses and smaller plusses. the only zero value item is death, and even by the time that occurs, i hope that i have left the world, having made it a better place, both with my existence and my departure.
the very fact of the matter is that if you're here on this earth, then you were deemed worthy, plucked from the fruits of your father's and mother's loins, beating all of scientific probability, and surviving through the alterations of the genetic timeline, to partake in the great ritual called life. that is something fundamentally special and worth treasuring. cherish it and live it well.
had trouble sleepin this mornin-cold room, no blanket, talkin to ppl last night, but i managed. spent all morning in bed, talkin out loud, thinkin bout the future, present, ppl, etc etc.
had brunch at noon, then came back to base. motivational posters, then crack napped fer a bit. got my bus exam to study fer. from what i'm readin, almost all financial institutions are subject to the same growth and risk patterns.
fin'd the exam-wasn't as bad as i thought-but i got some really easy questions wrong. oh well, 1 down, 3 to go.
countin down the days till end of the semester, and most likely a new chapter in my life.
=====================================================================
the last couple weeks have been...tumultous and unexpected. being confronted with the real possibility of being left in the dust, social, economically, physically, mentally, emotionally-it's all there. it's a time to step up, to get out there...get a job, find your own place, you're an adult...all that jazz and hooplah.
but i'm not used to it, and i'm not ready. yknow, i've been a student pretty much all my life. it's been, boom! wake up, cram/do homework, go to class, sleep, rinse, repeat. how do i get used to and introduce myself to a life where you're yknow...another one of the crowd? one in a hundred bazillion people, wakin to go to work, early commute, hittin the grind...that's not me. it's not what i want to be.
so many points in my life, i imagined what i'd be when i grew up. wanted to be a trucker, wanted to be an adventurer like Indiana Jones, wanted to be a lawyer, politician, psychologist, entrepreneur, informal corporate officer...grug.. not cut out for the 8:30-6 office cube/desk job, whatever you wanna call it. i wanna be out there-independant, free, and for the people.
yknow, i wanna give back to the places i've been, the communities, the hangouts i had, the places that i took fer granted so much, and returned so little a contribution. i wanna create change, i wanna inspire people, i got a big picture on my mind. but, in this world now, you need the tools. you need the cash, you need the position, positioning and connections. you gotta brownnose, you gotta take the accepted way to get up there, and you gotta pay your dues to get it done.
but i can't accept that. we are stuck in a rut where we believe our paths in life are so predetermined, that a certain sest of opportunities are available to you solely based on your career choice and areas of expertise. where are the transitions? can you be connected in many other industries?
perhaps i'll find something to do. maybe i won't; who knows? maybe successful, maybe not-doesn't matter to me. all i wanna do is be out there fer the people. if i could, i'd ask someone to leave it on my tombstone-the man's got soul. not the soul that's about jazz and funk, (although it might be nice to have, if i ever understood of it). the soul he's got-it's fresh, it lives throughout time, it crosses hearts, breaks down barriers-it's real, it feels and it's good.
neitzsche once said that the authentic man can't be defined. don't trip...
=========================================
everything in life is a bonus.
i see everything given to me, whether good or bad, triumph or trouble, conflict or resolution, as plusses and smaller plusses. the only zero value item is death, and even by the time that occurs, i hope that i have left the world, having made it a better place, both with my existence and my departure.
the very fact of the matter is that if you're here on this earth, then you were deemed worthy, plucked from the fruits of your father's and mother's loins, beating all of scientific probability, and surviving through the alterations of the genetic timeline, to partake in the great ritual called life. that is something fundamentally special and worth treasuring. cherish it and live it well.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
startin somin new
well, i was mulling over the past weeks and so, and thought "hmm, i am somewhat uncomfortable with talking with people. gotta work on my social skills and also train to be a politician (a good honest one, not the typical lying, spinning, hiding type)". think i'm pretty transparent, but could still work on it some.
to accomplish this, i'll be starting what i call TTS or Truth Telling Saturdays. on the second and fourth saturday of each month, approach me with any question, and i'll answer it to the best of my ability, no hiding, no reforming words or messages, straight up truth. can be about anything, and can be through any medium-mail, message, speech, picture, whatever. as long as it reaches me on those days, i'll take care of it on the spot. TTS also extends to holidays too, cause the truth takes no holiday.
it's good to have an unburdened mind and conscience (1 Corinthians 4:4), and frankly, the world could operate a whole lot better without the walls and barriers we put up, either through our speech or actions. even the image we give off may hide many things. stop fronting, stop sugar coating your words, and start living the way one ought to live...untouchable by men, open to all peoples, and genuine in your walks
to accomplish this, i'll be starting what i call TTS or Truth Telling Saturdays. on the second and fourth saturday of each month, approach me with any question, and i'll answer it to the best of my ability, no hiding, no reforming words or messages, straight up truth. can be about anything, and can be through any medium-mail, message, speech, picture, whatever. as long as it reaches me on those days, i'll take care of it on the spot. TTS also extends to holidays too, cause the truth takes no holiday.
it's good to have an unburdened mind and conscience (1 Corinthians 4:4), and frankly, the world could operate a whole lot better without the walls and barriers we put up, either through our speech or actions. even the image we give off may hide many things. stop fronting, stop sugar coating your words, and start living the way one ought to live...untouchable by men, open to all peoples, and genuine in your walks
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