gotta learn how to deal with not being on all the time. no meds, no stim packs to keep it up, so gotta dig deep an be strong.
past couple days were kinda a blur. mostly involved errands and running tasks around the house. startin to think more an more of bein an efficiency expert/storage facility operator than anythin else. been hangin out nights some, lil food and whatnot, but kinda droppin back later in the night, recedin into myself so to say. so far have gotten at least 1 fear token everyday out of the way, but still more to come. this lent thing is killin me inside a bit, but eventually i'll see the better side of it, and conceptually use time more effectively. otherwise, at the ver least, a save on the electric bill.
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startin to think that all the thinkin done so far on my end is fer naught. when gettin into those social situas where basic common courtesy steps are to be taken, feelin stifled and locked up by thought.
more and more, it's better to be unhindered, unabashedly fearless. and the idea is there, cept the prolem is, i can't sustain it. comes in flickers.
feelin a fifth life crisis right now, and all this talk bout stimulus and stimulants, not really feelin it. feelin like my will's bein broken down by my worst enemy-my own intellect. this is the winter storm that i wasn't prepared fer at all.
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do folks deserve the best, or the realest? or is there no entitlement, and we're focused only on what is earned? perhaps there is no judgment where truth lives free.
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