ja leun, water, some anger in the stomach

no matter how hard you try, if the other person isn't willin to heap it out, then efforts fer naught? hope can only carry one so far.

a couple of days reorganizin the room. still needs to be roomier, but guess that's my OCD poppin up. woke early from bad insomnia, then headed out to service. ended up sittin on the bad chair fer the sermon while gettin a second dose of how to minister to elder and elderly folk. typical traipsing after service, then headed out to Park Street Church fer the special sermon series featuring Francis Collins. PSC is pretty big, but seems a big conservatively strung-up fer current tastes.

headed back to church to grab some lunch. chowed on some viet subs and McD's sweet tea, with some general horsin aroun in the youth lounge. game of Life and Settlers, with edge win and edge defeat.

came back to base, entertained a friend, took a nap, made some quick din, browsed through a book, and listenin to som old school music on the jamn. got acceptance call from mass common seminar-maybe a lil eager, but lil apprehensive about the future appointment. also fer the fact their orientation meetup spot is at a place dtown that got mediocre reviews across the internets. some apps to crank out, to preserve the future, and possibly compensation on the side

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does experience feel as if someone's rubbing salt in the wounds? sometimes when we change our outlook, our way of approach to the same situation multiple times, we may end up with the same result. futility, frustration, flagellation in the mind. so are the sensations i feel when dealing with folks, or dealing with things that are minorly out of my own control.

does wisdom trouble us? we cannot miss the things we do not have or have not received-we only long for them, in the context of another's life, another's situation. one man's boon to his life need not take the joy out of your own, but we do it all the time-at work when someone receives a bonus, and we feel we are not properly compensated. however, i guess it's all part of the same pool, the piece of the pie that is available drops down. (wonders if we can truly feel happy for someone else, to appreciate and extol achievements of someone else, without feeling selfish desires [but this doesn't mean we wipe out our own thoughts entirely either])

perhaps something is wrong in my mind; tday at this moment, i don't feel a desperate urge, but i don't feel an amazing want either. it must be the juice, the lights in my house, the music in my room-mind stunners, placating my desires. guess my fuel is my ppl; tmr i pray that i can refuel, but not fer my own fulfillment. folks really need someone out there, even fer the small things.

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my debt-laden friend reminded me that there were some earthquakes in Chile. again, another time to reinforce the point that resources are better shared, and that disparity between the less fortunate and the sufficient is eradicated when entitled ownership becomes nullified.

give to help-don't think that you will, or will need to receive something back.

lasagna, arizona arnold palmer

gotta learn how to deal with not being on all the time. no meds, no stim packs to keep it up, so gotta dig deep an be strong.

past couple days were kinda a blur. mostly involved errands and running tasks around the house. startin to think more an more of bein an efficiency expert/storage facility operator than anythin else. been hangin out nights some, lil food and whatnot, but kinda droppin back later in the night, recedin into myself so to say. so far have gotten at least 1 fear token everyday out of the way, but still more to come. this lent thing is killin me inside a bit, but eventually i'll see the better side of it, and conceptually use time more effectively. otherwise, at the ver least, a save on the electric bill.

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startin to think that all the thinkin done so far on my end is fer naught. when gettin into those social situas where basic common courtesy steps are to be taken, feelin stifled and locked up by thought.

more and more, it's better to be unhindered, unabashedly fearless. and the idea is there, cept the prolem is, i can't sustain it. comes in flickers.

feelin a fifth life crisis right now, and all this talk bout stimulus and stimulants, not really feelin it. feelin like my will's bein broken down by my worst enemy-my own intellect. this is the winter storm that i wasn't prepared fer at all.

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do folks deserve the best, or the realest? or is there no entitlement, and we're focused only on what is earned? perhaps there is no judgment where truth lives free.

ja leun, milk tea, cha siu bao

twice in 24 hours have i been told to go to the brattle theatre to see some movies. perhaps i will, and love it.

woke up early enough fer service. coin swap, service, jokes durin and good sermon about what the glory is of being old. picked up my dreamcast, then headed to SS fer a lesson about grace. emphasis on the stepback perspective, being humble and whatnot. also compiled the early list for presidential responsibility, credo of sorts.

went with some friends to DT to check out the chinese new year celebrations. typical affair: lion dances from every organization, tons of firecrackers and poppers, and free coffee samples. gathered some fer friends instead. headed back to base to drop off the dreamcast, then lunch at CPK with TWIGS folks. first legit talk about vaginas and breasts, in a medical sense.

back to church, some reflectin and the game of LIFE. burned out the rest of the night on a wiki journey that took me through death, animals, and marshmallows.

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the driving factor seems to be this special word i chant in my head. forces me to do what i want to do, but what i wouldn't normally do. it's fer the best, and i guess it feels pretty good too.

what is this word? it's whatever you want it or need it to be, to get things done. fer me, it's lookin to the future of the folks.

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prayin that the opp to serve remains open, and if not, that it's been filled faithfully.

honey nut oats, water

learned that NASA is possibly the worst reason for our budget deficit. costs about $450 mil to pull a mission, and the space shuttle Endeavor costs $1.7 billion.

opted to wake up early to get things done. got spooked by an overreal dream, ended up wakin at 7. rewoke again at 11. ran all over town tryin to get gift cards verified, look up specs for flat screen tvs, mail out some stuff, and generally run errands some more in spite of the freak loss of internet yday. also jim belushi was at copley place today-he's kinda balding.

back to base to fix the net, took 2 hours, avoided some bills while settling others. some cookin, cleanin and workin on future apps fer jobbin. needin to be a lil more patient and productive in snowy an slow days.

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not sure what to say tday, but pluggin an agenda for an agenda simply doesn't work. businesses fail and causes stand still cause folks don't see the bigger picture. yes, it's understood that sometimes things are done to be done, but at this point in human societal evolution, most ppl kinda expect more.

though, i guess i'm a fool fer folks to make them happier. spendin the last couple days with family kinda proved it...

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should make a show where 6 people raise money for 6 different causes, and they run it like a documentary/game show, but actually have some purpose for doin all this.

raisin bran, chuen fun, sparkling water

stimes you gotta trust your gut, unless you're calvin chan.

woke this morn prematurely, cannot sleep early at all. rewoke again, took care of some items, delivered the rest. unexpected delay, so reheaded back to service, followed by party all day at brother's place. still gotta get my bearins back on the old school stuff. also gotta learn to deal with frantic kids better.

headed to andy's after fer some chill time. played mafia and liar's poker through to the midnight, gettin squashed left and right. back to base soon after, took care of some packin, need to get ready fer tmr-hopfly a land onto somin big, if not, then at least outta the house.

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understandin more about, and the need for flowin freely, as well as the diffrence tween that and freeflow. one is true expression, the other is a rehash of another one's ideas.

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peace comes from knowing that the world is a better place whether you are here or not.

raisin bran, sparkling water

procrastinatin what could be destiny. faithfully should be carried out first though.

tried this honey tranqulizer tip that i learned last night from family-it failed, and my legs ached as a result. woke to take care of some messages, check the mail, and see what was goin on in the internets. gamed fer a lil bit, and watched some old tv movies.

headed out to somerville to pick up a package. dumped in the middle of nowhere, got lost and accidently stumbled onto Tufts University. saw some of the campus, caught the "joey", and headed back to base from Davis.

project still left to do, makin some ol soup fer din. not wantin to yell on the web again tday.

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tmr a couple things to look forward to. only lookin to do one thing though, and it involves sitting on a couch.

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cgi's ruined a ton of movies. visual flair makes us all picasso fanatics.

bagel and sweet tea

as i sit in my room, i come to the conclusion that silence isn't so bad when you're not being oppressed.

tried wakin up on time tday, but another fail again. made it successfully right when the back to the day buffet began. made some breakfast, unwounded, and checked some msgs. took care of some sales in the early and mid-afternoon, while learnin how to play zombies. spent some time lookin fer a card: papyrus has terrible customer service.

after gettin the one i wanted, took the long way to gcenter to meet up with matt from bls. lotta nice buildins we got, lots of churches in the neighborhood, and learned more about the reshift in businesses. played some charity poker and was unfortunate in 3 separate occasions. a fight was also bout to brew-talked to the main instigator, but he was prolly in one ear, out the other syndrome.

headed back to base. caught the silver line, and found some documents about how to save your money and manage your expenses, while lookin fer an empty seat. also got some massive headache, prolly through the heaters. cleaned up some stuff at home, makin dinner, lookin to relax through the night. too bad CRoads is cancelled this week.

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while siftin through those papers on the bus, i found a dolphin picture, and some information about IDA accounts, which basically reward ppl for saving and being very intelligent with their budgeting. the thing that intrigued me the most was this piece of paper along with it labelled Value Rankings.

in it, one is asked to rank 14 different things in terms of their importance to you. i forgot the name of the person, but all i rember was it was a girl who was in a low income family, and who was possibly in her middle teen years or perhaps grown up.

in order from most important to least important. some of them have this female's personal description of a value; i will add my own commentary in parentheses.

1. Happiness - To feel good about everything in my life
2. Inner Harmony - To accept myself flaws & all
3. Sense of Accomplishment - To feel like I've finished something
4. Financial Security - To be comfortable with having enough money
5. A comfortable life - To not let things bother me
6. Personal Freedom - To be able to do what I want [positive]
7. Family security - That my family is taken care of
8. Wisdom (King Solomon would be rolling in his grave)
9. A world of beauty
10. An exciting life
11. Self-respect (I like how this one is less important than an exciting life, or that it's not even in the top 5)
12. Social Recognition
13. Health
14. National Security (Take that, America...)

The top 3 things dealt with accepting one's self and dealing with one's own place in the world. the next things talked about personal freedoms and stability within one's environment. the last couple of things were attributable more or less to situations in one's life that is out of their own control. makes me wonder how i'd prioritize these values myself..but i guess things change depending upon your own family and ability to be satisfied with what you have, rather than what you could have or could have been.

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reading is so fundamentally important-it has served me well this day, and many days more. and no, books aren't the only thing i'm talkin about.