woke this mornin to package some books, started the day checkin my looks.
hair in a mess, pants in a flutter, rememberin we got excess peanut butter.
blew a couple hours, playin some games, frustration and lameness, more of the same.
stuck round till late 3 to send out the mail. no idea of success or of another fail.
when i got to the office, checked my bag. forgot the shippin labels, makin me mad.
headed back home, mind cast in doubt. let loose in anger, spittin the f word out.
fast forward a couple hours, seekin a deal. still on the welfare diet, 2 bowls of oatmeal.
the night talk with some friends, as mundane it could be, revealed in my heart the love i didn't see.
today tomorrow, i furrow my brow, to find a way out of my life somehow.
dreamin, prayin lookin for more, reverting to the tasks that i greatly abhor.
but entertained amidst all the confusion and fuss, to learn the Holy G's in all of us.
man..i need some flow.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
recap of the week so far
still in my off time, while looking for a job. to say, not much has really gone on since comin back on sunday.
(huh...the weather..it's snowing? outside) anyways, the past couple days have been at home. playin games, sellin my textbooks, and tryin to get rid of junk at base. my reco forms, fer some reason, haven't come into the philly offices, which is really disappointing to hear. actually hand delivered my part too..
saw an ad i guess to work fer the census bureau. took their placement exam-was like the mcas. pretty much basic math and reading questions. can't believe ppl were havin a prolem with it, but it pays crappily. oh well, any work's better than none righ now.
still waitin to hear back on my other spots. people are gettin hard hit these days, not only with money and resources, but knowledge and overall mistrust. gon be a while before things are sorted out. in the meantime, i'll enjoy the luxury that is sleepin for X hours a day, where X = 8 or more.
but i breathe out heavily, waitin for a sign. dunno if i wanna stay here still, but it's the haven that doesn't create as much friction... =(
(huh...the weather..it's snowing? outside) anyways, the past couple days have been at home. playin games, sellin my textbooks, and tryin to get rid of junk at base. my reco forms, fer some reason, haven't come into the philly offices, which is really disappointing to hear. actually hand delivered my part too..
saw an ad i guess to work fer the census bureau. took their placement exam-was like the mcas. pretty much basic math and reading questions. can't believe ppl were havin a prolem with it, but it pays crappily. oh well, any work's better than none righ now.
still waitin to hear back on my other spots. people are gettin hard hit these days, not only with money and resources, but knowledge and overall mistrust. gon be a while before things are sorted out. in the meantime, i'll enjoy the luxury that is sleepin for X hours a day, where X = 8 or more.
but i breathe out heavily, waitin for a sign. dunno if i wanna stay here still, but it's the haven that doesn't create as much friction... =(
Sunday, February 15, 2009
valentine's day 2009
Only the Lord knows my true intentions.
Pretty much I was goin thru a rough patch. To anyone who knows what I'm about, there are only a few things I take seriously (even if it looks really corny): respect, knowledge, wisdom, "justice", war, and relationships. This weekend I was assailed by the latter of the latter.
All I sought to do was to surprise/cheer up a friend, while spendin time with some others and a lil change of scenery at the same time. I accomplished most of what I wanted to do, but I feel I did it at the cost of my soul.
More or less, I had fun. Ended up alienating a lot of ppl for the wrong reasons. Furthermore, it's pretty much set in stone that I have consistent trouble with trying to establish "the perfect relationship". So many issues have come up in the past, ranging from pride, jealousy, and oerprotection, to religion and avoidance of sex.
Fer now, I dunno what path I'm destined for. Judging from what I understood from devotionals today, it's a path of destruction, to Sheol with no return. My heartstrings, spirit, intellect and common sense are all being tugged at, but in the end, I can only sense a call of responsibility. How I keep on getting into these scenarios, I dunno. I admit that while in them, the idea of having to pick a side, whether to keep it clean or not, is both undesirable yet wanted.
As I go back to what my normal, obscure life is, I will continue to figure out how to get this all together. And yeah, it's gon be a challenge.
Sigh...we're not a couple, only a couple of lost folks in the wind...
Pretty much I was goin thru a rough patch. To anyone who knows what I'm about, there are only a few things I take seriously (even if it looks really corny): respect, knowledge, wisdom, "justice", war, and relationships. This weekend I was assailed by the latter of the latter.
All I sought to do was to surprise/cheer up a friend, while spendin time with some others and a lil change of scenery at the same time. I accomplished most of what I wanted to do, but I feel I did it at the cost of my soul.
More or less, I had fun. Ended up alienating a lot of ppl for the wrong reasons. Furthermore, it's pretty much set in stone that I have consistent trouble with trying to establish "the perfect relationship". So many issues have come up in the past, ranging from pride, jealousy, and oerprotection, to religion and avoidance of sex.
Fer now, I dunno what path I'm destined for. Judging from what I understood from devotionals today, it's a path of destruction, to Sheol with no return. My heartstrings, spirit, intellect and common sense are all being tugged at, but in the end, I can only sense a call of responsibility. How I keep on getting into these scenarios, I dunno. I admit that while in them, the idea of having to pick a side, whether to keep it clean or not, is both undesirable yet wanted.
As I go back to what my normal, obscure life is, I will continue to figure out how to get this all together. And yeah, it's gon be a challenge.
Sigh...we're not a couple, only a couple of lost folks in the wind...
Monday, February 2, 2009
cookies, water, advil
day 2 of bein back at base. slept in all mornin, then coughed my lungs out while watchin the superbowl. various other things on tv too.
-commercials sucked.
-pittsburgh won, meh.
-bored
gonna try practicin all my inherent skills again, this time, gotta emphasize them more for cash though. or at the ver least so that i can feel (happy?) again. dunno-looks like i are not gettin a job so early so i might as well enjoy myself.
countin down some days till that jacked up hallmark day comes. least if nothin else, i already have chocolate =p
-commercials sucked.
-pittsburgh won, meh.
-bored
gonna try practicin all my inherent skills again, this time, gotta emphasize them more for cash though. or at the ver least so that i can feel (happy?) again. dunno-looks like i are not gettin a job so early so i might as well enjoy myself.
countin down some days till that jacked up hallmark day comes. least if nothin else, i already have chocolate =p
Saturday, January 31, 2009
bringin back the hits
or whatever they call it in terms of recurring events. day 1 of bein back home.
so i guess you can call my time at boston, semi-vacation, extended. woke up earlier than expected this morn, din't check the clock. went back to bed and rewoke 15 minutes before noon. watched pokemon 3: the movie on tv, ate some cookies, played some games and generally was bored this afternoon.
went with my relatives to jin (again) fer i guess a chinese new year dinner.
highlights from the meal:
-cousin's kid kissed another cousin's kid on the lips
-mango slush drink
-basketball on the tellyscreen
-had to make improptu earplugs, due to lion dance performance inside
-gettin my appetite back
back to base, might have a plan for the summer, but would involve abandoning boston again...righ now, wouldn't seem to hurt. prolly gonna take it easy the next week or so, cure up, and then out on the streets fer work.
so i guess you can call my time at boston, semi-vacation, extended. woke up earlier than expected this morn, din't check the clock. went back to bed and rewoke 15 minutes before noon. watched pokemon 3: the movie on tv, ate some cookies, played some games and generally was bored this afternoon.
went with my relatives to jin (again) fer i guess a chinese new year dinner.
highlights from the meal:
-cousin's kid kissed another cousin's kid on the lips
-mango slush drink
-basketball on the tellyscreen
-had to make improptu earplugs, due to lion dance performance inside
-gettin my appetite back
back to base, might have a plan for the summer, but would involve abandoning boston again...righ now, wouldn't seem to hurt. prolly gonna take it easy the next week or so, cure up, and then out on the streets fer work.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
li wong baos, crack drink
Into the fray once more. don't know if permanently, but the ver least I gotta get here to find out
After a wiki session that kept me up till 3 am, woke up @ 930 to finish packin. Headed out the door round 1020 into a snow squall. About 40 blocks, 2 bags slowed down by inches. Got on the bus at 11, and travelled all afternoon. ETA prolly round 7 pm.
Maybe grab some dinner, work on some required writings, then to sleep, preppin fer a long day tmr. No solid plan, only a buncha tasks to get done.
===========================
Don't know what I want to accomplish here. Fer now, I want to be able to live comfortably without the hassles of the past burdening me. Cept there's gon be ver little initial support. Sigh...
But I know that whener I try to get to that point of evrythin bein ok, life sweeps me off my feet once again. At least it's better to have th*t hapnin now, rather when there's a lot more on the line and a lot more to have lost. Character buildin experience, yknow?
To that end, I gotta start somewhere and be open to unconvebtional notions. Notions of trust, humility, servitude, and boldness. Those types of attitudes do not come oernight, which is somethin I'm constantly bein reminded of. Again, it's not of my own ability, but of somethin greater.
Now to live out in for the truth
After a wiki session that kept me up till 3 am, woke up @ 930 to finish packin. Headed out the door round 1020 into a snow squall. About 40 blocks, 2 bags slowed down by inches. Got on the bus at 11, and travelled all afternoon. ETA prolly round 7 pm.
Maybe grab some dinner, work on some required writings, then to sleep, preppin fer a long day tmr. No solid plan, only a buncha tasks to get done.
===========================
Don't know what I want to accomplish here. Fer now, I want to be able to live comfortably without the hassles of the past burdening me. Cept there's gon be ver little initial support. Sigh...
But I know that whener I try to get to that point of evrythin bein ok, life sweeps me off my feet once again. At least it's better to have th*t hapnin now, rather when there's a lot more on the line and a lot more to have lost. Character buildin experience, yknow?
To that end, I gotta start somewhere and be open to unconvebtional notions. Notions of trust, humility, servitude, and boldness. Those types of attitudes do not come oernight, which is somethin I'm constantly bein reminded of. Again, it's not of my own ability, but of somethin greater.
Now to live out in for the truth
Sunday, January 11, 2009
honey roasted cereal, crack drink
extrapolating experience from even the most mundane of places.
tday i spent all day in somerville tryin to hock stuff off. clearly i am still part of this community that i don't want to be a part of. at the end of the night when comin back with a couple ppl, still felt that kind of loserish feelin along with a bit of isolation and stupidity.
but from what little i did tday, was able to build a connection with some folks, even if it were with superficial means. guess that's how our minds can comprehend such a reaching out. but it's ok, cause i know there are worse ways we could do it.
anyways, i've come to the conclusion (and perhaps some paralleling allegory) that i once again can't work via agendas. the balancing act is so fragile and so important to the sanctity of the human spirit...wait, lemme back that up, cause that sounds like bs. pretty much, there's a time to talk, a time to listen, and a time to let others screw up, while there are other times to step in and prevent ppl from shootin themselves in the foot.
tnight, i leave with this thought. in the company of men/women/animals/whatever, you can't go in their with expectations. sure, you can have some sort of norming standard built on rational thought. no prolem with that, but i guess you gotta keep your mind open and ready for how the winds blow.
one week left until real life resumes. haven't been prayin bout it much nor thinkin bout it. all i wanna do is get away again, and let life take me. wanna let the burden of responsibility embed like a knife, but also be a support rod. too little pressure right now, but too much implied importance.
need some air(,) to breathe.
tday i spent all day in somerville tryin to hock stuff off. clearly i am still part of this community that i don't want to be a part of. at the end of the night when comin back with a couple ppl, still felt that kind of loserish feelin along with a bit of isolation and stupidity.
but from what little i did tday, was able to build a connection with some folks, even if it were with superficial means. guess that's how our minds can comprehend such a reaching out. but it's ok, cause i know there are worse ways we could do it.
anyways, i've come to the conclusion (and perhaps some paralleling allegory) that i once again can't work via agendas. the balancing act is so fragile and so important to the sanctity of the human spirit...wait, lemme back that up, cause that sounds like bs. pretty much, there's a time to talk, a time to listen, and a time to let others screw up, while there are other times to step in and prevent ppl from shootin themselves in the foot.
tnight, i leave with this thought. in the company of men/women/animals/whatever, you can't go in their with expectations. sure, you can have some sort of norming standard built on rational thought. no prolem with that, but i guess you gotta keep your mind open and ready for how the winds blow.
one week left until real life resumes. haven't been prayin bout it much nor thinkin bout it. all i wanna do is get away again, and let life take me. wanna let the burden of responsibility embed like a knife, but also be a support rod. too little pressure right now, but too much implied importance.
need some air(,) to breathe.
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