sermon reflection

I wanted to gather my thoughts right now, but a lot of short term things have been on my mind, mainly the toilet not working at base.

Within this week, I'm confronted by the future - both for my career path and for my life. I've settled into a routine that is both mind numbing and relaxing at the same time. I wanted to spend time with family on both sides, and I did, but not in the super cool grandson secret agent style that I thought I could pull off.

My life's desires are still the same; in fact, after mulling over the sermon today, I feel even more entrenched in my way of thinking in that the world is still going to be an enemy to the cause of good. It's never going to allow people to take breaks, slow down, and enjoy the simple things in life, mainly because every amenity, every pleasure, every basic freedom now has a price tag on it.

I want to say that this world could be a better place if we all worked together to achieve the same goal and that if we pooled together our resources, we could achieve anything. But the people aren't ready for that. They're afraid of change and what true power they can actually have if they can accomplish what's on their hearts and minds. That is why a mass of people are threatening - it's not their number, it's their potential.

Yet, we've squandered our potential for too long. We've kept to our own devices, and we've let people and other priorities slip through the cracks. It's why we hurt, it's why we ponder, it's why we feel guilty and ashamed of ourselves.

I want it to end tonight and every night. My hope isn't for a fallen world. It's not for total redemption either though.

Posted via email from Bloodscope Economics

reflections from small group

am wondering if i'm dropping the ball at work and if i'll have a slow but abrupt demise.

Though I didn't show up for the first half of the sermon on Sunday, I arrived in time fer the main point in how we're opting for community with each other and God, whether we know it or not, and that our relationship with God alone cannot suffice for our lives.

Questions were asked today, ranging from the "what if" to psychoanalysis of Adam to the imposed characteristics of animals, so on and so forth. I had wondered for a bit whether this was a sermon that implicitly made sense the connection between man and woman and that it was to be some sort of eternal destiny. That question was never really answered, though the vibe of the talk and the feel of the room made it so, but I couldn't tell.

Community - the issue of what it is, and why it is so special. Why is it that we can't live alone, living with the animals? We can't, it seems because they can't fully know us and love us, nor we can do that to them. Humans supposedly can, and it's also the only way we know how. However, the community seems to imply the mix of people, versus an entire body of sameness. Not saying here that an Adam and Steve would make it work, nor implying that "love is the answer to everything" scenario, but I guess it's the entire image of God composed by those two types of being - man and woman. Both created without sin, one from another, but to represent the same Sovereign Creator.

We also talked about the idea of vulnerability and shame. When I think vulnerability, I think of a suit of armor. Vulnerability means that a part is not at its peak shape and that it is susceptible to attack. Most people don't look to be vulnerable, and most vulnerability is hidden. Some is feigned too - people invite others in, but to ensnare. However, in this vulnerability, there is progress, because there is development. This development only comes if someone wants to actually create something and not destroy. Too often people can look, find and capitalize on someone's vulnerability for their own gain. In a sense, by sharing vulnerability with another, one could also gain from that too, if they aren't genuine in their intent (At this point, I believe people have heard that cliche saying already). 

Shame and judgment are inseparable. People feel ashamed because they feel insufficient, or because they have not lived up to a standard imposed to them by someone else or themselves. Regardless of party, there is judgment there, but there is also the reaction. There can be disregard for the judgment and there can be repentance.

On top of that, there was the practical application of how to foster such an environment where brothers and sisters are loving and known to each other. One option was for people to be bold but discerning in sharing. The other is to create a safe environment of love. As I write this, I believe both can be sought in an ideal, but either scenario fully accomplished (at least with the presence of sin) would be destructive.

Boldness is only bold and most effective when others aren't. When you have a setting where that is the majority, it becomes the norm. Suddenly, boldness isn't normal and isn't striking. Within the context of sin, if it doesn't hit hard, people let it slide. The same would go in a safe environment, where nothing can crack the shell. We may rebuke, but if the people feel no repentance, then people may feel that it's only a place to be freely absolved, and that actually isn't the case without the context of sin.

Reactions are also out of our control in general, especially if we are vulnerable and not ready for it. Right now, I'm striking a delicate balance between saying I can't judge anyone for anything because only God can rightly do so, versus scrutiny of the actions. Both extremes are bad. The toughest problem out of all of this is realization. Realization of facts, reality and actualities - that we are alone, that we are sinful, that we struggle, that not every star shines, and not every night is peaceful. How do we reconcile and live our lives differently? How do we live them better, and how do we live them right?

In the beginning and in the end, the movements of life start with one man.

Posted via email from Bloodscope Economics

first week of work

So a lot of people heard that I was pretty anxious about going to work this week, anticipating the best or at least being motivated to do so. After the first week, I am finding it quite difficult to be there.

What we do is important, but as many of others in that position or similar roles, we don't get a lot of appreciation or perks. Trying to do things for the greater good is hard when people aren't treated like people. We are not machines, yet we're expected to act as perfectly as they do. We get no repairmen, we get no excuses, we are what you want to do, but not what you want us to be.

Who we are is not where we want to be. This is the basis, the fundamental reason why we grumble and take things hardly. This is why we reject your notions, this is why we rebel, this is why we occupy streets and other locations of high business density.

Tonight isn't the beginning of the war, and neither is it the end, but we're ready to fight it to the bitter end. It's bitter, cause it leaves a bad taste in our mouths and the tears, though salty, are also acrid by the skies you pollute.

Posted via email from Bloodscope Economics

Lost my phone

I started out Columbus Day weekend by losing my cell phone again. This time though I wasn't able to retrieve it from the MBTA. Instead, one of my friends told me that the person was from Roxbury and they wanted a reward. I thought about it for 2 days, having lived life off the grid but at the same time a bit worried that someone might have been called. On Monday, I decided to go get a new phone and not deal with this person.

Factors leading up to the decision:

1) I called my phone at least 10 times during the 2 day period at various times of the day, figuring I'd reach the person. No answers whatsoever, which was particularly odd because this person wanted a reward. How are you gonna get one if the owner can't contact you?

2) After getting a random text from someone, I returned a phone call and found out that random texts were being sent from my phone at the time. Why am I going to reward you for wasting my money without my permission?

3) This person's location, without much details and having some prior insight, dissuaded me from going there without having a backup plan.

As much as I wanted my classic crappy phone back with its numbers, I figure it wasn't worth the hassle to make up resources to get it back.

The whole ordeal got me thinking about understanding people from both ends, and our society as a whole today. Nowadays, where income is scarce, opportunity is rare, and anonymity is high, this would have been a prime time for said person. My wish is that this person would have gone through more noble means rather that through coercion - even if they were actually in need, they would have done better off by helping someone in the long term rather than satisfy their own temporal desires. People are short-sighted when there seems to be no end to a dream.

I realize that I desire items of nostalgia too much, and put too much faith in the hope that humanity can be redeemed. I also see that I am adventurous but at the same time a risk-taker, and that I need to be kept in check. Yet I still need someone to understand why I do the things I do. Above it all, my life now is spent trying to live outside of time, trying to encapsulate past, present and future into one movement.

Posted via email from Bloodscope Economics

reflections from Faneuil Hall

I took a stroll through Faneuil Hall after a job interview. I haven't done that for fun in a while, and it was the perfect time to do so, having went through a long week of disappointment. I remember an article on CNN about women, particularly teens, who were agonizing about their body size, trying to reach that magical number - size 0. Not actually knowing what a size 0 was or even looked like, I stopped by some of the retail stores in the area.

I first went to Ann Taylor, looking for something to compare to. They had it, but they also had an even smaller size called size 0 Petite, which is apparently for shorter women. It was on the second floor, so I decided to take a look. The size difference isn't that much greater, but what threw me for a loop was the mannequins. They say that petite is for shorter women, but the mannequins they used were for taller women.

I then stopped by Victoria's Secret and learned more about the fashions and functions of brassieres. What was weird was when I looked around the store - no woman's body shape looked even slightly similar to what the models presented on the window poster. I know that the fashion industry adopts an elitist standard, and that we shouldn't assume that what they advertise is the norm, but even still, most women and girls don't look like that unless they are naturally skinny, or even malnourished. 

As I sat down on a bench, eating my chicken salad sandwich, I look around and see people have given up on their lives. Perhaps not in the suicidal sense, but letting themselves go, physically and mentally. The same fashions, the same physiques, people falling into archetypes way too frequently.

I don't wonder anymore if money is the root of evil, nor its want even, but just people...

Posted via email from Bloodscope Economics

Funerals

First off, I'd like to thank Pastor Raymond Yeung. I went to his funeral today, not remembering who exactly he was until I saw his picture again. Because of him, my family is Christian. Without him, I might have became a Buddhist (and hooked up with someone) or practiced ancestor veneration (and hooked up with someone). I suppose that within the infinite wisdom and grace of God that things have happened the way they do. Also, if anyone knows the short version of my name, it'd just be weird if I weren't anyways.

As I went through the procession, I couldn't help but think why funerals hit the family so hard. I think it's because when you're at the cemetery and see the coffin right before it goes into the ground, that the realization hits. It is the realization that you'll actually see this person in your life for the last time. It's an odd feeling, but it comes from knowing that your life runs relatively stable, in the fact that the people you know age and work at the same pace as you. Even though you're 30-40-50, your friends and stuff will still feel like the same things grew up with, but never really left.

It's also hard on the family because there will be a physical emptiness, a void left to be filled. The dinner table chair, the barcalounger at home, the one less voice you hear - all reminders that indeed life is gone. It's funny how we mourn and are joyful at the same time, having believed that though the person is physically gone, the spirit has gone to a better place, one without pain, persecution, strife and struggle, and in that the next life lies infinitely greater pleasure. Still, it doesn't erase the feeling of pain, especially when we focus on the real aspects of the loss versus the big picture.

Two people take care of my brother's gravestone. Both question who does the work while the other is absent. I try not to answer the question, because it would only create a tension that distracts from the real issue. It's sad that it's come to a point where both parties think they're speaking for the best of the deceased, when in actuality he doesn't have a voice, per se in how his own memorial ought to be treated. The greater issue is whether or not people can still work together.

Posted via email from Bloodscope Economics

Who says hello anymore? I do.

To that girl who ignored me this week, it's alright. People got things to do, places to go, people to see. I know I did - that's why I had a Choco Taco for free.

It's been a while since I last blogged. It's not that I haven't found the motivation, or a lack of content to write about. Quite the contrary, a lot has been on my mind for the past couple of months. Work, relationships, money, future, and the past have all played a factor as to what I've been doing today. However, a little birdie brought me to write this particular post, one about keeping things in perspective.

Blogging is my haven. It's my venting ground, my announcement board, my soap box, my diary. It's entertainment, philosophy, comedy, sadness. It's unedited, non-sequential and from the heart. It's me and myself. Nowadays, blogging has become more of a business, rather than a method of personal expression. Businesses have blogs, movements have blogs,  even imaginary characters have them. Why must you not be yourself in order to sell something? Why must you go out of your way, to be unnatural, to set up an adventure, to advertise an activity, to push your next product?

Putting up the facade over the internet is easy. Sure we've found ways to cyber-stalk, and generally find out more information about others, but on the whole, people can still remain anonymous. Internet chat rooms of debauchery and hatred, Xbox Live where absurdity blossoms, and yes, Nigerians can still scam your dollars away.

We can advertise all the good things in our life, in order to be a bastion of hope or a boat of boastfulness. We can push all the sadness into the light as a cry for help, a suicide call, an attempt to cure human loneliness.

I wonder now if I had no face - could someone go through life without a physical identity? Even the lack of identity now can be considered one, but with the lines blurring where life imitates are and vice-versa, is it really possible?

Nevertheless, it's important to be yourself, in whatever capacity that means to you. The sheer overwhelming number of societal elements doesn't mean you need them to function - why must you iPhone it? Why must you identify with this major group?

My life goal of fading away into legendary obscurity is slowly happening.

Posted via email from Bloodscope Economics