boredom at home some more-as i wonder what prison could be like, i realize that this now is the minimum security facility i've never wanted my whole life.
mornin started kinda rough and feelin kinda hungry.
not enough sleep, phone not in front of me.
jeff at the lib, called, asked if i wanted to chill, at a friend's place way up near mission hill.
decided to take my mornin kinda slow, although in an hour or so i'd be on the go.
7 eleven gettin my drink, while headin to copley gave me time to think.
in the 5 hour mark i suddenly noticed the weather. winds blowin so hard, makin streetlights sway like feathers.
hung around for a couple of minutes, tryin to get my head an my feelin all in it.
people lookin for books, and me to act funny. this other cat i know ditches his mat only fer money.
i said no, still kinda empty and broke. challenged him to a game, cause he's a total joke.
but he shrugs it away, and i leave him be. searchin around for the next mind candy.
monday night, 6 o clock, group that i goes. dinner had salsa, chips, burritos.
talked bout the sermon and words inspired from above. inquired and debatin bout what really is love.
an action, a feeling, a desired happy state? how really do we show it, how to avoid hate?
the night carries on, sittin here, feelin loose. refreshin my mind on some orange juice.
===================================================================
but i guess, let's get serious fer a moment. tnight, one the key questions was "is love a feeling, or an action?". from what i gather, we respond to the love we feel with actions for someone/something. that we don't know whether or not we do love, until we act, because how do we express our love? how do others know that we love them, or that they are loved, until they receive actions? what is it to feel love?
(narf..ok i rember the other thing that caught my mind). can someone who hasn't experienced love express it? sounds simple enough...i guess we start off by defining what love is, and also by defining the circumstances behind it. (my mind's in a haze right now, and my eyes hurt). hmm, to say that would be saying, can one do good and not know of the concept of good? most ppl would equate love with good, or rather, to love is to do good. goodness, however, may not equate to love. this would be presupposing that love is a conscious feeling, active and aware of its expression and intention. good can simply be done, without awareness or intent, intent being the desired purpose from the giver, and not so much to the recipent.
what i can only say is that, if nothing else, it is love that is hardest to understand, hardest to feel, hardest to do. but that being said...how much more important and fulfilling is it when finally attained?
====================================================================
guess there are a couple souls on my mind. gotta work on bein a better me, so that they can see Him. simple as that-my life's not my own.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
no-money style writings
woke this mornin to package some books, started the day checkin my looks.
hair in a mess, pants in a flutter, rememberin we got excess peanut butter.
blew a couple hours, playin some games, frustration and lameness, more of the same.
stuck round till late 3 to send out the mail. no idea of success or of another fail.
when i got to the office, checked my bag. forgot the shippin labels, makin me mad.
headed back home, mind cast in doubt. let loose in anger, spittin the f word out.
fast forward a couple hours, seekin a deal. still on the welfare diet, 2 bowls of oatmeal.
the night talk with some friends, as mundane it could be, revealed in my heart the love i didn't see.
today tomorrow, i furrow my brow, to find a way out of my life somehow.
dreamin, prayin lookin for more, reverting to the tasks that i greatly abhor.
but entertained amidst all the confusion and fuss, to learn the Holy G's in all of us.
man..i need some flow.
hair in a mess, pants in a flutter, rememberin we got excess peanut butter.
blew a couple hours, playin some games, frustration and lameness, more of the same.
stuck round till late 3 to send out the mail. no idea of success or of another fail.
when i got to the office, checked my bag. forgot the shippin labels, makin me mad.
headed back home, mind cast in doubt. let loose in anger, spittin the f word out.
fast forward a couple hours, seekin a deal. still on the welfare diet, 2 bowls of oatmeal.
the night talk with some friends, as mundane it could be, revealed in my heart the love i didn't see.
today tomorrow, i furrow my brow, to find a way out of my life somehow.
dreamin, prayin lookin for more, reverting to the tasks that i greatly abhor.
but entertained amidst all the confusion and fuss, to learn the Holy G's in all of us.
man..i need some flow.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
recap of the week so far
still in my off time, while looking for a job. to say, not much has really gone on since comin back on sunday.
(huh...the weather..it's snowing? outside) anyways, the past couple days have been at home. playin games, sellin my textbooks, and tryin to get rid of junk at base. my reco forms, fer some reason, haven't come into the philly offices, which is really disappointing to hear. actually hand delivered my part too..
saw an ad i guess to work fer the census bureau. took their placement exam-was like the mcas. pretty much basic math and reading questions. can't believe ppl were havin a prolem with it, but it pays crappily. oh well, any work's better than none righ now.
still waitin to hear back on my other spots. people are gettin hard hit these days, not only with money and resources, but knowledge and overall mistrust. gon be a while before things are sorted out. in the meantime, i'll enjoy the luxury that is sleepin for X hours a day, where X = 8 or more.
but i breathe out heavily, waitin for a sign. dunno if i wanna stay here still, but it's the haven that doesn't create as much friction... =(
(huh...the weather..it's snowing? outside) anyways, the past couple days have been at home. playin games, sellin my textbooks, and tryin to get rid of junk at base. my reco forms, fer some reason, haven't come into the philly offices, which is really disappointing to hear. actually hand delivered my part too..
saw an ad i guess to work fer the census bureau. took their placement exam-was like the mcas. pretty much basic math and reading questions. can't believe ppl were havin a prolem with it, but it pays crappily. oh well, any work's better than none righ now.
still waitin to hear back on my other spots. people are gettin hard hit these days, not only with money and resources, but knowledge and overall mistrust. gon be a while before things are sorted out. in the meantime, i'll enjoy the luxury that is sleepin for X hours a day, where X = 8 or more.
but i breathe out heavily, waitin for a sign. dunno if i wanna stay here still, but it's the haven that doesn't create as much friction... =(
Sunday, February 15, 2009
valentine's day 2009
Only the Lord knows my true intentions.
Pretty much I was goin thru a rough patch. To anyone who knows what I'm about, there are only a few things I take seriously (even if it looks really corny): respect, knowledge, wisdom, "justice", war, and relationships. This weekend I was assailed by the latter of the latter.
All I sought to do was to surprise/cheer up a friend, while spendin time with some others and a lil change of scenery at the same time. I accomplished most of what I wanted to do, but I feel I did it at the cost of my soul.
More or less, I had fun. Ended up alienating a lot of ppl for the wrong reasons. Furthermore, it's pretty much set in stone that I have consistent trouble with trying to establish "the perfect relationship". So many issues have come up in the past, ranging from pride, jealousy, and oerprotection, to religion and avoidance of sex.
Fer now, I dunno what path I'm destined for. Judging from what I understood from devotionals today, it's a path of destruction, to Sheol with no return. My heartstrings, spirit, intellect and common sense are all being tugged at, but in the end, I can only sense a call of responsibility. How I keep on getting into these scenarios, I dunno. I admit that while in them, the idea of having to pick a side, whether to keep it clean or not, is both undesirable yet wanted.
As I go back to what my normal, obscure life is, I will continue to figure out how to get this all together. And yeah, it's gon be a challenge.
Sigh...we're not a couple, only a couple of lost folks in the wind...
Pretty much I was goin thru a rough patch. To anyone who knows what I'm about, there are only a few things I take seriously (even if it looks really corny): respect, knowledge, wisdom, "justice", war, and relationships. This weekend I was assailed by the latter of the latter.
All I sought to do was to surprise/cheer up a friend, while spendin time with some others and a lil change of scenery at the same time. I accomplished most of what I wanted to do, but I feel I did it at the cost of my soul.
More or less, I had fun. Ended up alienating a lot of ppl for the wrong reasons. Furthermore, it's pretty much set in stone that I have consistent trouble with trying to establish "the perfect relationship". So many issues have come up in the past, ranging from pride, jealousy, and oerprotection, to religion and avoidance of sex.
Fer now, I dunno what path I'm destined for. Judging from what I understood from devotionals today, it's a path of destruction, to Sheol with no return. My heartstrings, spirit, intellect and common sense are all being tugged at, but in the end, I can only sense a call of responsibility. How I keep on getting into these scenarios, I dunno. I admit that while in them, the idea of having to pick a side, whether to keep it clean or not, is both undesirable yet wanted.
As I go back to what my normal, obscure life is, I will continue to figure out how to get this all together. And yeah, it's gon be a challenge.
Sigh...we're not a couple, only a couple of lost folks in the wind...
Monday, February 2, 2009
cookies, water, advil
day 2 of bein back at base. slept in all mornin, then coughed my lungs out while watchin the superbowl. various other things on tv too.
-commercials sucked.
-pittsburgh won, meh.
-bored
gonna try practicin all my inherent skills again, this time, gotta emphasize them more for cash though. or at the ver least so that i can feel (happy?) again. dunno-looks like i are not gettin a job so early so i might as well enjoy myself.
countin down some days till that jacked up hallmark day comes. least if nothin else, i already have chocolate =p
-commercials sucked.
-pittsburgh won, meh.
-bored
gonna try practicin all my inherent skills again, this time, gotta emphasize them more for cash though. or at the ver least so that i can feel (happy?) again. dunno-looks like i are not gettin a job so early so i might as well enjoy myself.
countin down some days till that jacked up hallmark day comes. least if nothin else, i already have chocolate =p
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)